to taste its aroma? To smell, perhaps. I dunno, just something that made me go, ?
I like how you say that you are not guilty for indulging in pleasure. It is not a sin, some people make it out to be though. So I applaud you for that.
I like this line - My breasts seek caressing not exile. - it just sounds right, you know?
I did say I would critique more of your stuff, so here I am lol.
I reformatted your poem I critiqued before. The same could apply here, but now I realise this is how you want it arranged. I don't know. Just a suggestion..
This does indeed sound like you want to rebel against authority and act out in whichever way you desire! I happen to love this, and am going to add it as a favorite. There is not one thing I would change about it!
To me it sounds more like an authority rebelling against his "minions". Kind of like: Just because I'm charge doesn't mean I'm infallible.
Anyhow, I like the poem. I like how it is made out of statements instead of stanzas. Cool idea. Great ending, too. Somehow it reminds me of vampires... I'll get back to you on that.
It's interesting the way you have written this and i must admire the words you put it in. It states a lot. Something most of us want to do during our teenage times when parents say you cannot do this when you actually want to do it. And it feels like you are all grown up to know the right from the wrong and that you want to feel the pleasure and the pain and that you want this and you want that. It reminded me a lot of myself in the past and a lot of it now. Definitively something i can completely relate to.
I don't really know why you have "Sense" as the title. It sounds so dull and boring compared to what you actually have written here.
In a way, i do think you sound angry and in the same way you sound like you wanna break those rules but you don't wanna get caught doing it. That's how the tone sounds to me.
I don't really think as sinful as a human is the correct thing to say. I mean yea, we are sinful but we are also holy. I think this would sound better to me: "Do not expect of me enlightenment for I am only human"
"I do indulge in myself and I am a dirty virgin." This line kinda doesn't fit in the entire thing. It is trying to add something more about you but it just doesn't fit it.
But overall, it's a neat poem and it has a lot of thing people can actually relate to. Good job.
Submission Name: Sense
