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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Day Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Deep_Monty
    Elite Ratio:    3.42 - 52/76/20
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 264
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 788



    Description:
       I wrote this one late night by candle light when my day dreaming had been especially in depth. I wrote this late at night, so it is bound to have a few problems that I can't see. Critique how you wish.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDay Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A quaint house, off a secluded rocky beach.
    Large Trees in the front yard,
    A dog frolicking in the grass.
    A soothing, gentle music
    flows through an open window.
    Her fingers glide gracefully over the keys.
    A pause, her fingers cry for a break.
    She brushes her beautiful brown hair,
    From her soft, fair face.
    Our eyes meet
    She turns back to her music.
    "I love this piece," I mention.
    -No Reply-
    She can not reply.
    For I am not really there,
    And "there" does not yet exist.
    I am pulled back to reality.
    To the arguing and the accusing and the spite.
    I long for the day that I live in that quaint house,
    with That One Girl of my dreams.




    Submitted on 2005-06-20 09:22:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Honestly, I almost cried when I read this. I really enjoyed the contrast between the soft, gentle words you used to describe the 'dream' and the harsh words used to describe reality. I think the line:
    A pause, her fingers cry for a break.
    kind of interupts that feel though. It really makes me think of the kind of dreams I have/could have for the future. It's great to hear someone with a positive goal in mind. Thanks for the good read
    | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by elitegundam | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really nice.

    I was completely drawn in by the idealic setting and was pained when I found it wasn't real. Very nicely done.

    Minor changes:
    Spelling : frollicking should be frolicking
    peice should be piece

    The only change of substabce would be the word "there" in the 5th to the last line

    "And there does not yet exist"

    I really liked this line, once I figured it out, by I stumbled the first time. thinking more along the lines of "and there does not yet exist a girl; on the keys." Maybe some punctuation would help.

    And "there" does not yet exist.

    Just an idea,
    great work
    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]



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