Description: yeah I waited till today to post this, every year I think....man this is the year it's got to be the one that I hear from my kids. But just like all the others......just another really bad hangover the next day.
"UN-HAPPY FATHER DAY" -------------------------------------------
again those 3 words didn’t pass my ears.
Happy Fathers Day…...
Well not from here,
and not inside this beer.
Now my past
is killing
the salvaging
time fast.
And every year just gets worse than the last.
So I pick up what’s left and move on.
But how much more can I take.....
Before the pieces are all gone?
I don't know what else to say..
Fuck it!
Concise. I like that. It's short but reveals everything that is intended to be revealed. And no! Every man deserves a happy father's day. And if you don't get even a happy father's day greeting next time, well then forget them! Make the best of it yourself. Sometimes it's better to be in the company of yourself. Gosh, sorry if I'm not making any slightest sense (it is rather late, hah).
By the way, thank you for your comment regarding A flickering light. The song was written in past tense, so there's not really any errors regarding verbs. And I do agree that the last stanza doesn't seem to merge well with the rest. In fact, all the stanzas fluctuate, but if you'd hear it sung, then you'd think otherwise. Although the last stanza is spoken. I wanted to give it a certain Nightwish feel (in certain songs, the words are spoken). Thank you for your suggestions. Take care.
Pretty powerful stuff, particularly being read on the day after Father's Day.
An unbiased review is hard for me to give. I had a great Father's Day and I think that makes me feel a little more sorrow for Dads that didn't.
I might add a short one-line bit that describes why you didn't hear "Happy Father's Day". A cemetary? The dollars they sent instead of a phone call? The answering machine message from thier mom threatening you? Why is your day a bad one?
It's a really good piece, but that might make it better.
Just an idea. I hope your next Father's Day is better.
Well, having an alcoholic parent, I know what its like on the other side of the pond. I, personally, am glad I have isolated myself from my alcoholic parent. Out of sight, out of mind. I hate the parent, but I also love them but I realize that their time is past, they are no longer needed and essentially are dead to the world, and to me. What I need to worry about is myself, and in keeping myself growing correctly, I must stay away from them - for my own good. I hope they do this to you, and I hope you hope they do too, because if you truly care about them you'll push them as far as possible from your sight - to save them the misery of you. No offense, just a thought. If I got it all wrong and your not an alcoholic, heh, well, I guess that can happen. Sorry for ranting at you then. The poem gave me no meaning at all, all the meaning I garnered came from the description up top - which means you need to work on the poem.(Complete rewrite, most likely.)
This is so sad. I feel for you man. I've been a [censored] my entire life so I suppose I know what it is like from the other side of the story. Though for reasons undisclosed I never really want to see my father and if I did I would take a swing at him. I wouldn't hesitate a bit, hell, he didn't for my mom. Well so long, perhaps you will hear those three words some day. Thanks for sharing this, PEACE.
P.S. Happy Father's Day (take this from a son in the writing community for you have inspired me more than my own father ever did and for that I thank you.) So long for now.
Short and too the point... I like it, and I read it many times. The last three lines are my favorite. I kind of agree with Steve in that you could make it better by adding a few things in the middle.
Happy Belated Daddy's Day, hun! I know I'm not yours, but hey...I'm somebody's kid, and you're somebody's father! It all works out!
As for the Poem: Such an odd rhyme sceme in this piece- I think that if you try to somehow make the 2nd and 8th lines rhyme it would tie it all together.
You know, I like this writing just the way it is. I mean, how hard is it to put agony into words, let alone make it rhyme, follow iambic pantameter, etc,etc,etc. If sorrow and regret were so easy to express they wouldn't hurt as much. I can't imagine not being able to see or hear from my boys on Mom's day. It would rip me up, and to know there was nothing I could do about their other parent moving them to another country would make it all the worse. I guess, maybe knowing a bit more about the story makes this that much harder to read. I know it doesn't make much difference, but I care, and I hope you keep on keeping on... I hope the technical difficulties are under control... -Chell-
Submission Name: "UN-HAPPY FATHER DAY"
