You go from...what was it? Words polluting something to a chain of events. I detect: -Forced rhyme -Lack of any real meaning or -Horrible presentation of desired meaning
The rhyme scheme is classic, but each line in each stanza is forced, and often has little to do with the preceding one "I'm silent because I must Must you be so honest?" You know, things like that. It makes instead of a complete poetic voice, more like a bunch of rubble piled together and forced into a tower-like apparatus that shoots it as high up into the sky as it can possibly go, but also sagging and on the point of obliteration. That is what this thing is. I'd recommend a complete rewrite. Thanks. See ya.
for heavens sake! it's good it's good...haha.no i totally get it though it's like sometimes you can't do anything you just go with the flow and before you know it, what happens is out of your hands, and you're all like 'what just went on here'
really there's nothing to blame it on all you can say is 'such is life'...which is why this is an excellent choice for a song. you enjoy the music and get a little "oh well carry on message out of it" but it's also something that you could be open to changing the tone of. it could be angry or it could be mellow or it could be serious or it could be fun. i am officially your number one fan . This is great. I wanna go get my guitar now lol.
k, u wrote...
We're both victims We both bent And we're both tethered By the chain of events
did u mean 'we're both bent,' cause that would be more effective i think.
and also tears 'pollute' the silence not 'pollutes'
and how about *and* lately you've felt used...just to pull it together a bit.
and maybe *and leave you standing rectified instead of and you stand rectified
and how about *YOUR honesty killed trust
thems my suggestions
hats off to this song...might need work depending on how you put it to music. i love it.
I just read your other lyrics. These ones are completely amazing. But I like the other one better. Man I thought you said your sister wants to get into the music buisness. You should get into it as well. She can be the singer, and you could be the one to write her lyrics. They are completely good. I love them, I love them...
I like your topics on these. I can't wait to read more of your work.