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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Chain of Eventsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cindergarden1
    ASL Info:    18 Male Sweden
    Elite Ratio:    4.69 - 43/58/17
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 622
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 830



    Description:
       This is a song... Yeah... A song.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChain of Eventsdots
    -------------------------------------------



    The words pollute the meaning
    The meaning is long lost
    My loss is hard to take
    Guess you'll take the cost

    The actions pollute the motives
    The motives are unjustified
    Unjustified I make my stand
    And you stand rectified

    We're both victims
    We both bent
    And we're both tethered
    By the chain of events

    Tears pollutes the silence
    I'm silent because I must
    Must you be so honest?
    Honesty killed trust

    The reason is just a whisper
    You whisper I'm excused
    Excuses came too late
    Lately you've felt used

    We're both sorry
    We're both spent
    All I can blame
    Is the chain of events




    Submitted on 2005-06-20 12:01:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You go from...what was it? Words polluting something to a chain of events. I detect:
    -Forced rhyme
    -Lack of any real meaning or
    -Horrible presentation of desired meaning

    The rhyme scheme is classic, but each line in each stanza is forced, and often has little to do with the preceding one
    "I'm silent because I must
    Must you be so honest?"
    You know, things like that. It makes instead of a complete poetic voice, more like a bunch of rubble piled together and forced into a tower-like apparatus that shoots it as high up into the sky as it can possibly go, but also sagging and on the point of obliteration. That is what this thing is. I'd recommend a complete rewrite. Thanks. See ya.
    | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]
      NO COMPLETE REWRITE!

    for heavens sake! it's good it's good...haha.no i totally get it though it's like sometimes you can't do anything you just go with the flow and before you know it, what happens is out of your hands, and you're all like 'what just went on here'

    really there's nothing to blame it on all you can say is 'such is life'...which is why this is an excellent choice for a song. you enjoy the music and get a little "oh well carry on message out of it" but it's also something that you could be open to changing the tone of. it could be angry or it could be mellow or it could be serious or it could be fun. i am officially your number one fan .
    This is great. I wanna go get my guitar now lol.

    k, u wrote...

    We're both victims
    We both bent
    And we're both tethered
    By the chain of events

    did u mean 'we're both bent,' cause that would be more effective i think.

    and also tears 'pollute' the silence not 'pollutes'

    and how about *and* lately you've felt used...just to pull it together a bit.

    and maybe *and leave you standing rectified
    instead of and you stand rectified

    and how about *YOUR honesty killed trust

    thems my suggestions

    hats off to this song...might need work depending on how you put it to music. i love it.

    -t
    | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by chalky | [ Reply to This ]
      I just read your other lyrics. These ones are completely amazing. But I like the other one better. Man I thought you said your sister wants to get into the music buisness. You should get into it as well. She can be the singer, and you could be the one to write her lyrics. They are completely good. I love them, I love them...

    I like your topics on these. I can't wait to read more of your work.

    Stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    63491

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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