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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Simplest of Thingsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ratboy
    ASL Info:    17/Male/South Slocan B.C.
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 50/73/22
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1430
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1526



    Description:
       Last year I wanted to write a poem about my bad habit of chewing on pens and pencils. Here's what I came up with...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Simplest of Thingsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Iím a nice person

    Iím considerate
    compassionate
    sympathetic
    and kind.

    But violence bubbles
    in my veins
    and spouts in cold destruction
    on the simplest of things:

    My implements of writing
    my pencils and my pens
    my crayons, felts and quills
    all feel my wrath, my rage
    until
    I diminish them
    to shards of wood
    and broken bodies
    dry, and fully spent
    of life and use

    They scream and cry
    inside my mouth
    I chew them up
    and spit them out
    pieces of their shattered souls
    dismembered splinters
    new and old
    I bent and dent
    and crush their ends
    and brittle things
    they canít defend

    No mercy felt
    no sense of pain
    for in the end
    theyíre all the same
    theyíre made to be,
    but not to last
    so says the mold
    from which theyíre cast

    And if they work
    itís meant to be
    they will be used
    to scrawl a line of poetry
    or be abused until
    their time is up
    their innards torn
    and frayed
    and lost
    or ripped apart
    to be forlorn

    And now they lie
    to gather dust
    upon my floor
    or travel trapped
    forever stuck
    beneath my shoe
    as I continue
    moving on
    to speak of being good

    And kind




    Submitted on 2005-06-20 18:05:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You took a kind of sick joy in this poem, didn't you?

    I think it's the structure that does it. the lines are pretty short i ran through them pretty fast, giving the impression of some sort of pleasant anger, a bit of ferocity mixed with a desperate concentration on harming the poor writing devices. And, of course, I love the way you begin by defending yourself as an moral, good-hearted person - it lends to the upcoming rant and tranforms you into something like a frantic maniac. The rhymes help too i think, in a small quick fire towards the end. The entire poem transforms, and it's fun.

    There are places where i get caught up because of your line breaks. Take this stanza for instance
    But violence bubbles
    in my veins
    and spouts in cold destruction
    on the simplest of things:

    I was unsure for instant what you were trying to say and i think you could make it more clear by bringing 'bubbles' down into the second line.
    But violence
    bubbles in my veins
    and spouts in cold destruction
    on the simplest of things:


    I liked the way you sorta kinda transitioned back to what you were in the beginning. It was a nice touch.
    Do you really have quills?
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by luckypenny | [ Reply to This ]
      I love narcissistic poems... they're so true to the form;) Great rendering of commonality with the gnawing effect. Everyone does it, so get the gist. Your line breaks seem to orbit rnadomly to visually break the iece up, not really in thought. No problem, just a notice on my part. Where you list the things being chewed on, this comes off as a bit lazy. Use metaphors for these items, and give each one their due. Each one had a different feel, a different taste, a different outcome, so revel in their individuality.

    Cheers!
    | Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
      he he he, this is funny. i chew on my pens all the time and then can never figure out why i have nothing to write with.
    your imagery in here is really good and i congradulate you for making such an origional piece.
    keep it up!
    -the wildchild
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok I know that chewing pens is addictive. I know. I used to do it all the time. Sometimes I don't even know why I did it. I guess sometimes it was cause of pressure. But I got out of that habit. My would yell at me for it. Cuz literally all the pen caps in our house was chewed on.

    I don't know why you have the whole thing capatilized. It gets rathering tireing. I would only have somethings capitalized.
    But its definately original. I liked some parts of it. But not the whole thing.

    Good work

    stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the story and images. It tells much about the writer and why they write.

    I stumble a bit on forlorn.

    It does not seem to fit well with the overall voice of the poem. I think it draws too much attention to itself.

    Other than that, a delightful read.
    | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      O.K., this is good, real good, just a little too overdone. I think you've dragged it out just a bit too much. Reduce it down, compact it, and you'll have a winner. Combine S4-5-6-into one and that should do it. Otherwise I think this is original and creative, certainly a different perspective on the implements of writing, and the abuse heaped on them by authors.

    I liked it.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-06-21 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this piece. It really puts a twist on one chewing on a pen or pencil. You're imagery is portrayed wonderfully.

    You have a wonderful talent. Keep it up.

    Kimbre
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      "And if they work
    itís meant to be
    they will be used
    to scrawl a line of poetry"

    seems that poetry in the forth line is forced, but other then that, i can't find anything wrong. It was a rather long poem for only describing your pen chewing, but your imagination is so amazing that it doesn't matter. Keep it up, i wanna read more!
    ~Kat
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ]


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    63545

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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