Description: Last year I wanted to write a poem about my bad habit of chewing on pens and pencils. Here's what I came up with...
The Simplest of Things -------------------------------------------
I’m a nice person
I’m considerate
compassionate
sympathetic
and kind.
But violence bubbles
in my veins
and spouts in cold destruction
on the simplest of things:
My implements of writing
my pencils and my pens
my crayons, felts and quills
all feel my wrath, my rage
until
I diminish them
to shards of wood
and broken bodies
dry, and fully spent
of life and use
They scream and cry
inside my mouth
I chew them up
and spit them out
pieces of their shattered souls
dismembered splinters
new and old
I bent and dent
and crush their ends
and brittle things
they can’t defend
No mercy felt
no sense of pain
for in the end
they’re all the same
they’re made to be,
but not to last
so says the mold
from which they’re cast
And if they work
it’s meant to be
they will be used
to scrawl a line of poetry
or be abused until
their time is up
their innards torn
and frayed
and lost
or ripped apart
to be forlorn
And now they lie
to gather dust
upon my floor
or travel trapped
forever stuck
beneath my shoe
as I continue
moving on
to speak of being good
You took a kind of sick joy in this poem, didn't you?
I think it's the structure that does it. the lines are pretty short i ran through them pretty fast, giving the impression of some sort of pleasant anger, a bit of ferocity mixed with a desperate concentration on harming the poor writing devices. And, of course, I love the way you begin by defending yourself as an moral, good-hearted person - it lends to the upcoming rant and tranforms you into something like a frantic maniac. The rhymes help too i think, in a small quick fire towards the end. The entire poem transforms, and it's fun.
There are places where i get caught up because of your line breaks. Take this stanza for instance But violence bubbles in my veins and spouts in cold destruction on the simplest of things: I was unsure for instant what you were trying to say and i think you could make it more clear by bringing 'bubbles' down into the second line. But violence bubbles in my veins and spouts in cold destruction on the simplest of things:
I liked the way you sorta kinda transitioned back to what you were in the beginning. It was a nice touch. Do you really have quills?
I love narcissistic poems... they're so true to the form;) Great rendering of commonality with the gnawing effect. Everyone does it, so get the gist. Your line breaks seem to orbit rnadomly to visually break the iece up, not really in thought. No problem, just a notice on my part. Where you list the things being chewed on, this comes off as a bit lazy. Use metaphors for these items, and give each one their due. Each one had a different feel, a different taste, a different outcome, so revel in their individuality.
he he he, this is funny. i chew on my pens all the time and then can never figure out why i have nothing to write with. your imagery in here is really good and i congradulate you for making such an origional piece. keep it up! -the wildchild
Ok I know that chewing pens is addictive. I know. I used to do it all the time. Sometimes I don't even know why I did it. I guess sometimes it was cause of pressure. But I got out of that habit. My would yell at me for it. Cuz literally all the pen caps in our house was chewed on.
I don't know why you have the whole thing capatilized. It gets rathering tireing. I would only have somethings capitalized. But its definately original. I liked some parts of it. But not the whole thing.
O.K., this is good, real good, just a little too overdone. I think you've dragged it out just a bit too much. Reduce it down, compact it, and you'll have a winner. Combine S4-5-6-into one and that should do it. Otherwise I think this is original and creative, certainly a different perspective on the implements of writing, and the abuse heaped on them by authors.
"And if they work it’s meant to be they will be used to scrawl a line of poetry"
seems that poetry in the forth line is forced, but other then that, i can't find anything wrong. It was a rather long poem for only describing your pen chewing, but your imagination is so amazing that it doesn't matter. Keep it up, i wanna read more! ~Kat
Submission Name: The Simplest of Things
