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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Death's Conscience?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Indelible_ink
    ASL Info:    20/F/AZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 143/109/25
    Words: 330
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1261
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2183



    Description:
       The world today is brutal, everyday someone is dying in the nastiest ways. Sometimes i question what death means. Please review this, it would be appreciated!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeath's Conscience?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Guns out, a man with bravery
    Fighting for another man's slavery
    Thoughts of family, he steps in the battlefield
    With determination, watches the enemy get killed
    Yet, bullets pierce through his skin and penetrate his heart
    Killing him, and tearing yet another family apart

    Does death give a little care
    to what we, mere humans, think is fair
    the world cries out in indignation
    for our brother, death has taken
    ...
    She's walking home, deep in the night
    worn from work, no one in site.
    She hears footsteps, not her own
    She knows that she is not alone.
    Around she turns, a gun to her head
    Pleads for her life, but morn' finds her dead.

    Does death give a little care
    To what we, mere humans, think is fair
    The world cries out in indignation
    For our sister, death has taken
    ...
    Parents walking, child a few steps behind
    Watching the world's mysteries unwind
    Things he'll later ask his parents "why?"
    Strong arms grab him, hand muffles his cry
    Small and helpless, no way of escape
    Parents notice, but they're too late
    Their child dead in a shady corner
    And they're left to be the mourner

    Does death give a little care
    To what we, mere humans, think is fair
    The world cries out in indignation
    For our child, death has taken
    ...
    She's just a teen, no one cares her fate
    Been through so much, carries too much weight
    She writes a note to her friends and family
    Takes a blade, her only way out, sadly
    She slits her wrists, waits for her death
    She cries softly to her last breath
    Her dying breath, she apologizes
    Takes a day, 'till anyone realizes

    Does death give a little care
    To what we, mere humans, think is fair
    The world cries out in indignation
    For our youth, death has taken


    -some lines in third stanza improved by chell







    Submitted on 2005-06-21 11:36:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Immensley sad and beyond moving. This is sooo good.
    Something in the last verse not quite right to me? Perhaps 'She writes a note to her friends and family
    Takes a blade, her only way out, sadly'
    I'm not quite sure but still wow. This is an amazingly written piece and you describe and emote so well. I've used the same irregular repetetive style myself and you've done justice to it in here.
    This is a really memorable poem.
    | Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by Hidden_depths | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this is fantastic work , very deep and meaningful , the only thing i can say to help is the line
    worn from work , no-one in site
    this way of spelling site means like building site
    and you wanted no-one in sight , meaning no-one around.
    sorry if you think i'm picking but i'm just trying to help, as its so fantastic
    Lainie
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by lainie75 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very very nicely done! The rhyming was incredible! The flow was great! I like the thoughts behind this so much! The "story" that hit me most was the last, about the girl commiting suicide. I have personal experience with depression, etc. so it always hits home. Anyway, awesome job!
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...this is beyond good. You Rhymed at the perfect time and it made this poem very Unique. How you look at differnt people as it tells a story adds a very sad effect to the poem and makes it all the much better. Once again Excelent Poem
    | Posted on 2005-06-21 00:00:00 | by Roguex | [ Reply to This ]
      This was truly gripping! brought tears to my eyes. Thank you!

    Again this needs to flow better.

    She hears footsteps, not her own
    She knows that she is not alone

    She turns around-gun to her head
    She pleads her life, but by morning is dead

    I hope these suggestions are helpful. Steve
    | Posted on 2005-06-21 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
      i think this is an awesome poem, and i would rele like to use it as a song in my band, with your permission of course...
    | Posted on 2005-06-21 00:00:00 | by ilikescreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      And you say you're sixteen? Wow! great piece! I have a couple of suggestions. Since you are new I'll let you know that all the suggestions I give are just my ideas, and I do not expect that they'll be used. Just acting as a fresh set of eyes.

    With that said, I think this piece is really solidly written, except for the second story. I would suggest the following:

    "She's walking home, deep in the night
    worn out from work, no one in sight
    She hears footsteps, not her own
    She knows she's not alone"

    I would change the second and last sentances to read:

    'worn from work, no one in site.'
    and
    'She knows that she is not alone.'

    This change would keep the lines witinh the iambic pantameter- or flow- of the other two sentances.

    "She turns around, finding a gun to her head
    Pleads her life, in the morning found dead

    This part is a bit tougher, maybe something like:

    'Around she turns, a gun to her head
    Pleads for her life, but morn' finds her dead.

    That would fix the flow of the second part a bit, but it's solely up to you. It's a great piece as it is...

    I might also suggest separating the repetitive stanzas and treat them like a chorus verse. They are the same but different, and I think parting them from the "stories" would give your readers time to pause and digest what has just happened.

    It's a brilliant concept. Well done, and welcome- I'm glad you've joined!!!
    Thanks for sharing!
    -Chell-
    | Posted on 2005-06-21 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      i am really liking the way you wrote this with the lil repeated verse (somewhat like a chorus or refrain) that is minimally changed each time.

    i can hear what you are saying in this write about death and whether it has a conscience or a heart or even a single damn thought about what it is or does and yet... each of these mini stories has another factor involved... it has another person... holding a gun or knife and so therefore death is assisted and perhaps cannot be soley blamed...

    over the years ive questioned death a whole lot but last year i discovered John Donne and fell in love with one of his Holy Sonnets that is all about death...

    Death be not proud, though some have called thee
    Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,
    For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
    Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
    From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
    Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
    And soonest our best men with thee do go,
    Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
    Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
    And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
    And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,
    And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
    One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
    And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

    i dunno if you'll be able to understand this poem or not... its taken me 6 months of pondering it over and over and everytime ive thought about it something new has been revealed to me in its meaning... i really like it... i know it by heart...

    anyways... i know the point you are making and you make it well... i hope you can see a different way at looking at things through John Donnes X Sonnet
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Awww.... my little sister is writing poetry. How cute. :p Just decided to give you some feedback on this poem, seeing as this is one of the ones that I really enjoyed. I'm not much of a rhyming person. Which I guess is kind of odd for a poet, but I guess it's not one of my things. Anyways, before I start going off on a different subject, I should say that I did like this poem. Very breath taking, and I'm not being nice either. It's definitely incredible - a grouping of sad, despairing vignettes within the poem, all tied together. I hope you never lose your touch. ^_^

    -Segniust
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by Segniust | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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