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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Springdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ratboy
    ASL Info:    17/Male/South Slocan B.C.
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 50/73/22
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 1210
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1113



    Description:
       Pretty self explanitory.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSpringdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She’s a late riser
    And every year it is the same
    Her mask of white
    Is torn and rinsed far from
    Her beaten face
    Rippled with the stench
    Of moldy wood
    Battered, pressed
    And sticking firmly
    To the earth

    A dusty mat
    Embedded with dead
    But entwined with living
    She is peeled from the floor
    And slapped in the face
    By a chill wind
    Her clear blue eyes
    Are glued with sap
    And rain

    She yawns,
    And takes her precious time
    Then rises up
    And blossoms full
    With quiet beauty
    Flying free in
    Fragrances
    As frail and damp as she

    Her hair,
    Belonging to the moss
    Brings scents of sun
    And pollen
    Dancing to her song
    She gaily sings with
    Every tongue
    Of every bird

    And smiles she does
    With radiance
    So all that stay
    To grip in vain
    With frosty hooks
    On tips of flesh
    Will melt away
    In silent pain




    Submitted on 2005-06-21 17:55:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I am in awe. Love the way you described the Spring as a female waking...could almost picture her essence rising up from the earths floor and moving the snow blanket aside, stretching and yawning, all the while her immortal self blossoming...radient. You've created an image in my mind...excellent! I know nothing of stanzas, proses and the like...so my opinion is purely naive and unbiased. I just know that I like this write, and how it made me feel. Thank you!
    ...Kimmy
    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by KimmyMim | [ Reply to This ]
      Immortal premise for a poem (and that of course is a poem's essence). Springtime...when the world comes alive, renewal, rebirth, leaning toward green. Nice.
    Now for the criticism. There are a few incidental (i think) rhymes that distract a reader from the flow of the piece. Stanza 3:"beauty-she"; Stanza 5:"vein-pain" (though i think you meant 'vain'). 'Vein' is the kind people stick needles in.
    [here's a real nitpicky nitpick for ya']
    I work in mold remediation. Mold feeds on carbon, so it loves wood (and paper). When we go into a house that has mold...we gut it. In demoliton we remove the walls and floor coverings...strip the house down to the studs, which we sand, and then have to seal with a pigmented shelaque(sp?) because ther's no killing that sh.it. 10..15..20 years the spores can sprout up again. So once mold finds wood...its in there. Its not an ongoing process at all. In which case 'moldy' would make more sense than 'molding' (in my humble opinion).

    There were some akward turns in the middle of a few stanzas as well. Like: "her clear blue eyes..." could be the start of a sentence proper. Also: "dancing to her song..."; and...well i think there are two sentences in the last stanza as well, they're just a little inverted somewhere.

    I think that if you are going to capitalize the first word of each stanza you might as well work the stanzas up into complete sentences. And its perfectly okay to have long sentence/stanzas too...don't get me wrong. For example:

    Sense,
    for those who
    may miss fields of
    wild-green-glow
    and ache as they
    are pulled to earth in
    somber ignorance lacks
    the passion to suffer
    and live as
    Spring,
    even when
    we have
    parted.

    not trying to bust your balls here man,
    hope this helps,
    later,
    kc
    | Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      *kind of at a loss*
    hmmm. i like the wording(although the beginning sounds painful) and it fit nicely without rhyming, but i think this comment is missing something...crap. i don't know what it is.


    oh well!

    nice job
    CinnamonT
    | Posted on 2005-11-01 00:00:00 | by Avril54 | [ Reply to This ]
      "She yawns,
    and takes her precious time
    then rises up
    and blossoms full
    with quiet beauty"

    I love Spring, so many different colors, pretty flowers. Flowers make me happy...Wow, was that a girl comment or what? Naw, I like flowers because of their colors, I have an obsession with color.

    OH! I love the picture!

    The images in this are wonderful. I'm thinking I really like your work. And I am commenting on a lot more then I thought I would(not saying you like that or anything, heh, my comments annoy me sometimes, if they bother you, just tell me to shut up, it won't bother me, believe me).

    Again, well done.
    Bonnie
    | Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
      Personification of Spring. Well done! Great job of giving life to her! This is a great piece of writing. I loved it. "brings scents of sun", now that's original, yet it clearly reeks of spring, as the temperature change alters the smell in the air. "Slapped in the face by a chill wind", great image, and I loved the phrase, "embedded with dead, but entwined with living", though I might have used "life". "Every tongue of every bird", again quite original. I guess it's the language you've used that gives this the life it seeks. It is a terrific read. Nicely done!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      "she gaily sings with
    every tongue
    of every bird"
    wonderful, yet again. You're an amazing writer and wonderfully imaginative. I wanna read more! ^_^ I loved that part that i entered. amazing. Spring is the best time to just go outside, lay in the grass and listen to the songs and smells of everything mother nature has to offer. I loved it!
    ~Kat
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    63701

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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