Spring by Ratboy

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Submission Name: Spring dots

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Author:	Ratboy
ASL Info:	17/Male/South Slocan B.C.
Elite Ratio:	5.17 - 50/73/22
Words:	160

Class/Type:	Poetry/Nature
Total Views:	291
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1113

Description:
Pretty self explanitory.

Spring

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She’s a late riser
And every year it is the same
Her mask of white
Is torn and rinsed far from
Her beaten face
Rippled with the stench
Of moldy wood
Battered, pressed
And sticking firmly
To the earth

A dusty mat
Embedded with dead
But entwined with living
She is peeled from the floor
And slapped in the face
By a chill wind
Her clear blue eyes
Are glued with sap
And rain

She yawns,
And takes her precious time
Then rises up
And blossoms full
With quiet beauty
Flying free in
Fragrances
As frail and damp as she

Her hair,
Belonging to the moss
Brings scents of sun
And pollen
Dancing to her song
She gaily sings with
Every tongue
Of every bird

And smiles she does
With radiance
So all that stay
To grip in vain
With frosty hooks
On tips of flesh
Will melt away
In silent pain

Submitted on 2005-06-21 17:55:36 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I am in awe. Love the way you described the Spring as a female waking...could almost picture her essence rising up from the earths floor and moving the snow blanket aside, stretching and yawning, all the while her immortal self blossoming...radient. You've created an image in my mind...excellent! I know nothing of stanzas, proses and the like...so my opinion is purely naive and unbiased. I just know that I like this write, and how it made me feel. Thank you!
...Kimmy
| Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by KimmyMim | [ Reply to This ]
  Immortal premise for a poem (and that of course is a poem's essence). Springtime...when the world comes alive, renewal, rebirth, leaning toward green. Nice.
Now for the criticism. There are a few incidental (i think) rhymes that distract a reader from the flow of the piece. Stanza 3:"beauty-she"; Stanza 5:"vein-pain" (though i think you meant 'vain'). 'Vein' is the kind people stick needles in.
[here's a real nitpicky nitpick for ya']
I work in mold remediation. Mold feeds on carbon, so it loves wood (and paper). When we go into a house that has mold...we gut it. In demoliton we remove the walls and floor coverings...strip the house down to the studs, which we sand, and then have to seal with a pigmented shelaque(sp?) because ther's no killing that sh.it. 10..15..20 years the spores can sprout up again. So once mold finds wood...its in there. Its not an ongoing process at all. In which case 'moldy' would make more sense than 'molding' (in my humble opinion).

There were some akward turns in the middle of a few stanzas as well. Like: "her clear blue eyes..." could be the start of a sentence proper. Also: "dancing to her song..."; and...well i think there are two sentences in the last stanza as well, they're just a little inverted somewhere.

I think that if you are going to capitalize the first word of each stanza you might as well work the stanzas up into complete sentences. And its perfectly okay to have long sentence/stanzas too...don't get me wrong. For example:

Sense,
for those who
may miss fields of
wild-green-glow
and ache as they
are pulled to earth in
somber ignorance lacks
the passion to suffer
and live as
Spring,
even when
we have
parted.

not trying to bust your balls here man,
hope this helps,
later,
kc
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
  *kind of at a loss*
hmmm. i like the wording(although the beginning sounds painful) and it fit nicely without rhyming, but i think this comment is missing something...crap. i don't know what it is.

oh well!

nice job
CinnamonT
| Posted on 2005-11-01 00:00:00 | by Avril54 | [ Reply to This ]
  "She yawns,
and takes her precious time
then rises up
and blossoms full
with quiet beauty"

I love Spring, so many different colors, pretty flowers. Flowers make me happy...Wow, was that a girl comment or what? Naw, I like flowers because of their colors, I have an obsession with color.

OH! I love the picture!

The images in this are wonderful. I'm thinking I really like your work. And I am commenting on a lot more then I thought I would(not saying you like that or anything, heh, my comments annoy me sometimes, if they bother you, just tell me to shut up, it won't bother me, believe me).

Again, well done.
Bonnie
| Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
  Personification of Spring. Well done! Great job of giving life to her! This is a great piece of writing. I loved it. "brings scents of sun", now that's original, yet it clearly reeks of spring, as the temperature change alters the smell in the air. "Slapped in the face by a chill wind", great image, and I loved the phrase, "embedded with dead, but entwined with living", though I might have used "life". "Every tongue of every bird", again quite original. I guess it's the language you've used that gives this the life it seeks. It is a terrific read. Nicely done!

Phil
| Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  "she gaily sings with
every tongue
of every bird"
wonderful, yet again. You're an amazing writer and wonderfully imaginative. I wanna read more! ^_^ I loved that part that i entered. amazing. Spring is the best time to just go outside, lay in the grass and listen to the songs and smells of everything mother nature has to offer. I loved it!
~Kat
| Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ]

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