Description: I'm in the middle of exams, so this really shouldn't have been written. But you know how it is when a good idea comes...
There's a lot of metaphor in this one, but I think most people will be able to appreciate it on some level- any comments and feedback are appreciated. And finally, try reading it aloud, it comes off the tongue quite nicely.
Note: the 'Fremantle Doctor' is a local name given to a ocean breeze in Perth, Australia.
The quirk-tree -------------------------------------------
Until yesterday, I hadnít
noticed your quirky leaves bouncing
around in the autumn breeze.
I chanced to glance out my window,
and saw you bending like a lithe
rubber band in the hands of the
Fremantle Doctor. With limbs flaying
and leaves flapping, it was an
avant-garde performance worthy
of Frank Zappa. I was laughing.
Now when I look out my window
I see you, the leaning pine of
Pisa, leaping about in a
way almost unseemly in a tree.
But when I see your leafy locks
curling busily and those branches
grinning in perfect asymmetry,
I canít help but get up and smile.
I like the description you use here, but I feel like it's all about the image and once you get it decribed, nothing happens. It's really too well done not to ponder what might occur and to write more. But the idea of "I noticed this hot woman the other day" is so common and your work on this poem isn't. Let me know if you rewrite, I'd like to see it' thanks
It seems to be an analogy between a woman and a tree, basically said. Or it could just be about a tree outside your window, I have no idea. Anyways, it was an entertaining piece, well written and defined. It definitely put a 'mental picture' in my head. Thank you for telling me what a 'Fremantle Doctor' was, without that I would've had no idea what you were talking about lol. I liked your 'Frank Zappa avant-garde performance' bit - that made me smile. Great read. Thanks
That tree is obviously very distracting! I'm also in the middle of exams and i know how hard it is to concentrate on revising when you get an idea that just needs writing. I'm glad you did write this though, there is some lovely imagery in this poem; i especially like the 'branches grinning in perfect asymmetry' because it expresses how nature can be lovely even though it's often completely chaotic.
When i first read this, i thought it was just a pretty description of a tree outside your window, but now I'm starting to see how it could be a metaphor for a person. But either way, its lovely.
Good luck with the exams. Hope you find time to keep writing! xxx
I.m not one to look for hidden meanings. This is agood descriptive poem of a tree. The imagery you use explains the nature of the tree and not vice versa. a good descriptive poem is based on an eye for detail, an eye for uniqueness and good choice of interesting vocabulary and imagery. This is a good descriptive poem. well done.