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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The quirk-treedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1415
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 715



    Description:
       I'm in the middle of exams, so this really shouldn't have been written. But you know how it is when a good idea comes...

    There's a lot of metaphor in this one, but I think most people will be able to appreciate it on some level- any comments and feedback are appreciated. And finally, try reading it aloud, it comes off the tongue quite nicely.

    Note: the 'Fremantle Doctor' is a local name given to a ocean breeze in Perth, Australia.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe quirk-treedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Until yesterday, I hadnít
    noticed your quirky leaves bouncing
    around in the autumn breeze.

    I chanced to glance out my window,
    and saw you bending like a lithe
    rubber band in the hands of the
    Fremantle Doctor. With limbs flaying
    and leaves flapping, it was an
    avant-garde performance worthy
    of Frank Zappa. I was laughing.

    Now when I look out my window
    I see you, the leaning pine of
    Pisa, leaping about in a
    way almost unseemly in a tree.
    But when I see your leafy locks
    curling busily and those branches
    grinning in perfect asymmetry,
    I canít help but get up and smile.




    Submitted on 2005-06-22 01:38:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the description you use here, but I feel like it's all about the image and once you get it decribed, nothing happens. It's really too well done not to ponder what might occur and to write more. But the idea of "I noticed this hot woman the other day" is so common and your work on this poem isn't. Let me know if you rewrite, I'd like to see it' thanks

    ~amun~
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by amun | [ Reply to This ]
      It seems to be an analogy between a woman and a tree, basically said. Or it could just be about a tree outside your window, I have no idea. Anyways, it was an entertaining piece, well written and defined. It definitely put a 'mental picture' in my head. Thank you for telling me what a 'Fremantle Doctor' was, without that I would've had no idea what you were talking about lol. I liked your 'Frank Zappa avant-garde performance' bit - that made me smile. Great read. Thanks
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Delightful images, I'm glad you took the time to write this.

    Perhaps just me, but I feel this line should break at was.

    and leaves flapping, it was
    an avant-garde performance worthy
    of Frank Zappa. I was laughing.

    I think the alliteration is clearer this way.

    I enjoyed this very much.
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      Quirky! Pines do not have leaves. Poetic license?
    O.K. being too harsh, but I liked this. I liked the idea and the original way of presenting it, Just clear up the images and this will be excellent

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      That tree is obviously very distracting! I'm also in the middle of exams and i know how hard it is to concentrate on revising when you get an idea that just needs writing. I'm glad you did write this though, there is some lovely imagery in this poem; i especially like the 'branches grinning in perfect asymmetry' because it expresses how nature can be lovely even though it's often completely chaotic.

    When i first read this, i thought it was just a pretty description of a tree outside your window, but now I'm starting to see how it could be a metaphor for a person. But either way, its lovely.

    Good luck with the exams. Hope you find time to keep writing! xxx
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
      Thank you, this one made me smile and I am still smiling hey this might last awhile, I must have needed it. thanks
    Terence McGovern
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by mcgovern_xiii | [ Reply to This ]
      I.m not one to look for hidden meanings. This is agood descriptive poem of a tree. The imagery you use explains the nature of the tree and not vice versa. a good descriptive poem is based on an eye for detail, an eye for uniqueness and good choice of interesting vocabulary and imagery. This is a good descriptive poem. well done.
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]


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