I dreamt of murder that rhymed
And crime that fluttered my eyelashes.
As I blink away snapshots of grime
Brutality, fear and suspense appear
The dream catcher sphere tumbles…
Jeers… shadows enhance and smear
My rapid eye movement,
and make me a seer
Of horrible things….
My night captor brings a gag
Shoves screams down my throat
Only to gloat at my misery
Forces my eyes open
Orange moons in a milk bar
Far and away my psyche sways
Suspended and bound
Not yet lost, but found in chains
And remains captive
Kidnapped and latched
Behind many doors
Writhing in vain
No ransom demands
Just a broadcast on the 6 am news
‘you wont ever wake up’
Are the words used to establish
Control and move on with the roll
Of film that screens rape, and my assassin
Assumes a new shape each time
The tape plays Beethoven
In this poisoned, swollen landscape
Hi Katia. Long time no chat. So about this here poem. Awesome write: rich in its brutality it plunges the reader into a dreamworld likened to "A Clockwork Orange"? Ok and now for my criticism. You know i'm a fan of receiving what i dish out and vice versa.
l1 I liked that first line. That said, and i do note the rhymed/crime rhyme and relation, I personally had trouble finding reason for it there. I'd keep cs it's a great introduction, but perhaps you might be able to incorporate an allusion to it later on in the poem. I think i don't know what i'm talking about. lol. Would not be the last time.
l4 "brutality" and "fear" all the way, but "suspense" i'm not so sure about. i feel that suspense is positive when what you want is smth more painful to the senses.
l5 I don't know about this line. It doesn't make sense to me. What's the "sphere" here?
l11 "Shoves screams down my throat" is the bomb. :D
l13-14 I might change this line to "Assaults my eyes/These clockwork"
l15 is really cute
l17 as is this line.
l23 "Writhing in vain" hee hee, shweet.
l29 i don't understand the "Control and move on with the roll". What's the "Control" doing there.
Btw the rhymes are bedazzling in this poem and i love the double meanings as one reads across the enjambements.
You've taken me to many wonderful worlds, a galaxy of feasts and joys, and now I have a glimpse into what makes you scared. This was eerie and haunting, and so human. A world of nightmares where everyone is a slave to their fears, irrational or otherwise. Brilliant piece.
this has a slam hip hop freestyle feel to it. the rhyme is subtle in places and the flow is determined by the rhyming words and not the line breaks and the structure, and i think that if you can pull this off then it works. what i am initially aware and wary of is the concept and the context of the rhyme and the yeah yeah aha innit rhythm. i think that as a concept that way that you have written this would be better served to words that are not as dark and surreal. i tend to think that a rhyme scheme undermines the nature of the words and the feeling that is created by them. this said when you are being 'abstract,' you can get away with it to a certain extent, and you seem to have here. you have definitely created a dreamscape much like that of the labrynth or beetlejuice and with that you have basically given yourself licence to do what you please: and you have.
so the only definite thing i would say about this is that you should lose the capitals. the position a hurdle at every line and break the rhythm you have obviously spent much time creating,
[ i dont see the relevance of your title being in italian. are you being too clever smarty pants? if there is a relevance should it not be hinted at in the piece?]
and as for the rest, well it is your to fu-ck with.
a lot of erudition prior to this. it makes it difficult in some ways to be valid but being told what your work does is as useful in its way as being told how to 'improve' on it... kafka meets burgess in your disco rhythm nightmare landscape. I like the language you use. It rather smacks of the bondage-induced claustrophobia of sweaty bed sheets wrapped around ankles and half a torso. that inability to make planned moves, compounded by not knowing where you are. not fully. So there is an idea then of impending heart attack and your remorseless wording and wrapping of lines rather supports that. it will be a bad place to exist; this poisoned and swollen landscape and you describe it well. as though you have seen it at some time. and credibility goes a long way toward giving a reader the fingerholds needed to go along with you.
The sublte Rhymes were intriguing the poem had great suspense draws you in almost immediately.
Shoves screams down my throat is one of my favorite lines as most people think of screams coming from oneself, you have flipped it around.
Far and away my psyche sways Suspended and bound Not yet lost, but found in chains And remains captive Snatched Kidnapped and latched Behind many doors Writhing in vain No ransom demands To entertain Just a broadcast on the 6 am news ‘you wont ever wake up’
beautifully wrapped up with you won't ever wake up.
Are the words used to establish Control and move on with the roll Of film that screens rape, and my assassin Assumes a new shape each time The tape plays Beethoven In this poisoned, swollen landscape
very intense. You have many strong points as far as techinical skill goes. Good alliteration, assonance, consance...plus you blended a great mix of surrealism in there something you don't find much of these days and if so it's usually over saturated.
one last note...on word play
Like clockwork, Orange moons in a milk bar
that made me smile great simile.
This definitely has a clockwork orange feel to it.
This was obviously heavily influenced by the movie "The Clockwork Orange". How did someone as young as you get to see that. Yup, I did say young, it is all relative, I'm twice your age, but a youngster to my parents and grandparents, see? I think the style fits the purpose and though you do not tell it all, it is a fitting preview summary of someting, if not the movie itself. Oh, since you're obviously quite the artist and not in need of help or comment, I'll just tell a joke. A tramp approaches this rich lady in a mall and says; "Please help, I haven't had anything to eat for three days." Without looking up from her plate she replies; "You really must just force yourself dear!"
If that was what I think it was... you were lucky. Usually, people who experience suffocation in their dreams and get a glance from death or something that consciously resembles that feeling... are experiencing "bangungot" (I'm not familiar with the exact English term... they usually just call it a nightmare syndrome.) It is usually attributed to going to bed after a full meal... a lot of males from my country have died because of that... females are less prone to it for some reason. I think it has something to do with the pancreas... high salt diet or something...
Glad you're ok.
Anyway, I'm not usually fond of rhymes but... the way you utilized them in the first part of the piece… worked. It didn't separate that segment from the rest.
There's nothing more I can say... I sorta agree with Alia... this is one of those pieces where people are meant to shut up and listen because if you try to rationalize it so much… it would take away most of its flair.
Katia, this is wonderful. I love the subtle rhymes. I love the intensity. So many people have commented on it already feel I can't say anything...I couldn't imagine what I could say, but I'll give it a go. I love, "And remains captive Snatched Kidnapped and latched" I love to read it out loud. It's something that would be so great at a reading. Do you ever do readings? I can't keep picking out pieces I like ecause I like it all. I love the rhythm so much. The rhyming works so well.It holds the emotion within walls of intellect and playfulness. It's marvellous but from you I wouldn't have expected anything less. Annie
I generally don't like too many rhyming poem,but i so love the opening line,bravo
I dreamt of murder that rhymed And crime that fluttered my eyelashes.
I would have never thought that a rhyme would workin a terror,nightmare dream poem,however you proved me wrong.
It's has an Alfred Hitchcock flavor to it,mixed in with a detective drama series.
This was my fav line,ust a broadcast on the 6 am news ‘you wont ever wake up’
because it's exactly what the news would say.
Now I must say,if anyone would want to know what a poetess would look like in thier mind, Its you. Not that there's a standard of what a poet or poetess look like,but in the imagination your pic is what Would picture on the back of a poetry book.
a terrible nightmare...and then you wake...and then you wonder if you were ever sleeping...
A wonderful exercise in word play and subtle rhyme and assonance and all of that...this rolls off the tongue (yeah, gotta read this one aloud). I find nothing to criticize, I mean, how can you nitpick a dream? Wish I had more to give but I'm rusty and by the looks of things you've gotten plenty enough feedback to allow me to simply say I enjoyed this immensely
Poems about nightmares have unusual possibilities and you've taken advantage of them very well. The thought of captivity to the tale is very powerful here.
"Jeers… shadows enhance and smear My rapid eye movement, and make me a seer Of horrible things…. My night captor brings a gag Shoves screams down my throat Only to gloat at my misery Forces my eyes open "
You want out of the story, but it's not an option.
I liked this peice (but I dont find it your best... I thinking the rhythum is very imporant here and it should go with the pulse of the nightmares and inner demons. Therfore I think your lines needed to be shorter, more cutting. they need to bang bang the reader like when sparks fly from the cerebral cortex (excuse me I phuck up my brain regions worse than my spelling) during intense REM tyme. For example:
I dreamt of murder that rhymed And crime fluttered my eyelashes. snapshots of grime
not like that.. I mean its your poem... but the amount of syllables need to be decreased so the poems follows the heartbeat of your mellow drama
I'm with Van on losing the caps. Really just preference.
Other than that, this is marvellous. Katia...always new. I envy your range of expression.
This poem demands that the reader pay attention. It is a sort of subconcious journey that miraculously works of the reader's subconcious. This is partly accomplished through your masterful use of slant rhyme.
I had some trouble following the pauses in this one. I was initially thinking that it needed some commas or periods here and there to even things out. Then i read it aloud (as if it were my own) and the whole thing made sense.
wow. now i see why it got so many comments. it's weird because i thought you posted this more recently. well, considering so much has been said about this masterpiece, i doubt there is much more i can say. this was an amazing write, if not a bit tragic. the "clockwork, orange" thing... yeah, that caught me by surprise... considering that book/movie was really weird... *flashbacks to stanley kubrick's warped mind when he did that movie* (shudders) well. great job. ...bb...
An orange remains fruitless until it is raped. A grape plucked before ripe puckers sour, kissing with clenching relentlessness. Kane the lower back of a bum, banish the trash with trashy smiles flashed. Flounder the ground dwellers. Drill the cortex of eyes wide burning the yearning of intentional images gesturing a glad happy Sam's finger pointing. Any Sam's finger, a Sam swims everywhere. Flounder purpose, purport disproportional nationals, nuns, gun totin' tots teetering on the virtue of see or saw. A nativity scene seen by Natives is nothing. Not-a-thing, person, place, or noun.
Mix language, flip phonetics, click the clockwork hand outward breaking the second dimension.
Katia, Il mio dio, Nikki mi ha detto che foste un produttore grande e sono saltato assente con che cosa ho letto qui. Ho letto questo e leggo questo e sono stupito alla rima ch'interna avete presso questi parte e come si muove così rapidamente tuttavia uniformemente, io realmente gradite questo - ed osservate in avanti a leggere la parte più bella Lisa ~Ravenwolf
Kat, you normally give me pure praise, no suggestions and no criticism. I now reciprocate totally. A truly frightening story of the dark hours and the hell it can bring to the mind. Simply Sensational! I'm glad I waited to read this, it was worth the wait! Lovely, Miss Moscow! Be Happy Graeme
This rocks with serious psychodrama queen validity. You seem to move inside to the spirit of the victim who is able to keep her composure enough to tell the story. Well actuall, it is a poetic license you own and I heard nothing about a police investigation. Your skill in turning over the chalk and erasing the marks around the body is amazing. There are some places I find too any pieces of info I think when the rhyme scheme gets a little over whelming, but that might be your plan for effect. You are a crafty lady. Terrific tragedy. thanks
Wow. All I can say is that this is a fantastic piece. Just the words you use together form such a grotesquely beautiful poem. I especially like the clockwork orange/milk bar reference. For anyone who has seen that movie or read the book, they would understand the relevance of the rest of this poem. I know I'm supposed to suggest how you could improve it but really, I'm at a loss to say how I would. Again, I really enjoyed this one and I'm going to add it to my favourites. Cheers for the great read.
oh katia dear i love this...the victim theme and horror you displayed was done quite nicely. the rhymes placed throughout were very subtle and flowed the piece along that much better...i cant seem to post a coherent critique as it is way to early in the morning and my eyes will not focus well enough on the keyboard, but this is an amazing thing to start my morning off with...
i will come back a little later to give a more intelligent view of how this attacked my senses but as of right now...know, i felt this excellent!
Yeah you know I don't know what the FUKK this is about but I loved it anyways <hahahaaa, jk!> Seriously, it's one of those poems you read and it just sings to something deep down below the thrum of consciousness. I don't have even one little piddley suggestion for improvement AND yes, yes, I'm going to name this one a favorite and come back and read it again and again.
<okay, one idea> You could maybe lose the caps at the beginning of each sentence.
WOW! This is raw and edgy, almost dark and nightmarish, but there is too much beauty in the verse to become that. The rhyming is superb, and draws the reader along to the end. Poor old Beethoven, getting mixed into something like this. There is an underlying sexuality in dreams of this nature, a desire for possession, of giving away "control" to another, and of removing the guilt sometimes associated with the sexual act.
Suggestions: "snapshots of grime" What is that? Might I suggest:
"As I blink away grime, while snapshots of brutality, fear, and suspense appear"
Also "6 am" I would change to "morning".
A very gritty and provoking piece of writing. It keeps the reader on edge all the way through. It carries the weight of the dreamer's desires, yet shows a darker side of life, and reaches into places most of us fear to tread. In essence, we've all been there, but we refuse to admit it, and would never write of such dreams. When you do it, so eloquently, we are all releaved and "captured" by your words.
Wow Tinkerbell. No actually, why say wow? I expect this of you.
This was so intriguing, your imagery and piecing together of words are fantastic, really captures the feeling of being stuck in a nightmarish cycle that repeats, while you can't shut those eyelids..metaphorically speaking..
The Clockwork orang reference was clever, and I like how that fits in. Indeed, indeed.. in fact, your poem seems to be a summary of the feelings that book/movie stirred in me. Beethoven...Beethoven never the same again... ;)...
'My assassin assumes a new shape each time' Bloody brilliant, and in more ways than one.
I don't know what else to say really. I've read this a few times already and have fallen in love. I've decided to get married to it now.
as always, thanks for the read. your poems are always fulfilling.
love and sunshine alexis
P.S Reading the title after I got so engrossed in the poem actually gave me shivers. woah. how appropriate..
Goosebumps, creeping through the small hairs on the back of my neck... Absolutely Fantastic!!! You have completely captured the intensity of a nightmare. Except that this almost speaks of a bringer of nightmares.
I am having a hard time expressing the feelings this piece brings. So, I'm going to stop typing, and read this a few more time.
There is nothing left to say, beautifully horrifying, this is a true example of unforced rhythm and rhyme that ebbed and flowed, a gracefully lucid journey through the darkness of the mind, neglected by our waking hours only to be forced upon us in the universe of our dreams were control is limited to that of a spectator. Thank you, we all could learn a lot from you, so please keep writing and keep one eye over your shoulder I will be stalking you. Terence McGovern
I read this first in your journal and I love that you have chosen to post it. I love when you walk on that wild side, Katia, and play in those dark shadows. You and I are similiar in that I think we both write mainly upbeat pieces and then sometimes we have to let that goddess of fury out...we don't want to get too beautiful so we unleash our inner destructor. I love that this is dark and gritty and feverish and rolls of my tongue as if you are calling for help in the midst of a nightmare. Your rhythm here is grand and the whole piece has a sexiness that makes me giddy. Oh yes...this is like being tied up with strips of velvet, I am so scared but I love it. xoxoxo R.
This is erotic and unsettling at the same time. Lots of good (and disturbing) imagery here. I like the way you start it out 'I dreamt of murder that rhymed' and keep the rhyme up thourgh the piece without losing the intensity. So often here I see supposedly serious poems that come off like greeting cards. This is extremely well done.
How very dark and disturbing and beautiful at the same time. I think you are such a great poet, you write the most beautiful and the most disturbing pieces... sometimes individually and sometimes at the same time. I only wish that I could be as deep and thought provoking as you.
the title caught my eye 'cause Italian just slays me, but this was disturbing and reminds me of how i have had nightmares and nightfrights all my life, "a seer of horrible things..." i swear i could rival Stephen King if i ever entertained some of these dreams on the page.. gives me the willies..
Wow. I can honestly say I've never had a nightmare, and after reading this, I'm very glad for that little oddity. This is a very intense piece. I love the descriptive words you use to make it seem as if we are there in the nightmare, watching you go thru it. Incredible. Well, I'm going to try to sleep with one eye open tonight lol Traci :)