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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Swamp-ratsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rokhal
    ASL Info:    21, f, USA NW
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 85/71/18
    Words: 188
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 920
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1021



    Description:
       I just rattled this one off. I'd appreciate a vote, if you don't want to comment; if you do, let me know of any bugs I can fix in later versions.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSwamp-ratsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I remember I used to throw pebbles at frogs.
    Should have used a spear.
    And I climbed trees higher than you could.
    One night I bit through all my chicken bones and sucked out the marrow.
    My mother never kissed me, so she never smelled the wild mushrooms on my breath,
    But she taught me how to mend my bruises--
    Years after that, clouds ruined her crisp eyes,
    But though I tried, I never hid my limp from her.
    Surprise--
    On my birthday I fell in the ravine
    And learned how soft my ankle was--
    The water is always cool,
    But too long touching, it freezes.
    You forgot your fear of mud.
    You slid down unwavering as the bank grew teeth to bite your hands,
    And I almost had to carry you out when you landed.
    But you struggled up, trying to carry yourself if you couldn’t carry me,
    Smearing blood on my arms until Pa came to Alf’s whining,
    And we collapsed on the Chevy’s red leather.




    Submitted on 2005-06-22 15:57:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Ah, I was afraid you wouldn't log in, leaving me no comment form. :(

    "Chevy-red leather" - Your trademark beautiful imagery.
    "I remember I used to throw pebbles at frogs;
    Should've used a spear" That initiated the "tug at your heartstrings" light-hearted tone, great usage of that.
    "On my birthday I fell in the ravine
    And learned how soft my ankle was- "
    That just made me smile, and begin to think about everyday learning curves, and how the worst thing can teach.
    Great write
    Tekin
    | Posted on 2005-10-19 00:00:00 | by Tekin_Kashami | [ Reply to This ]
      The wild adventure of children with bodies that heal easy with perhaps a suggestion of something lacking on the emmotional scene - never kissed by mom, clouds ruining her eyes (I guess we all like to write off our parents as in illusion at some time or other) - at least that's how it sounds to me. Kind of reckless and brazen, both in the description of events andd the way you jump from describing one thing and then another - the marrow from chicken bones -ugh grosso!
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't wish to vote on your poem. I think that voting idea is silly. But I do wish to comment on your poem. I am very impressed. Your poem is strong, original, personal and realistic. I can relate to how you have written your poem and what you are writing about. From your bio I gather you are a 17 yr old female, so you were quite the tomboy and the childhood you were nostalgic about isn't all that long ago, unlike mine which is now lost in the mists of antiquity. This seems like a poem to a brother, achildhood friend, a second tomboy sister. It was great when we were swamprats. I remember we used to walk blithely on the parapet of an aquaduct with 6 feet of water in the canal on one side and a 60 foor drop on the other. The parapet was 18 inches wide, but we didn't care. It was so much more fun than walking on the other side of the canal where there was a footpath. Intrigued by your journal. Is this a poem of yours? I love mustelids. I once had dozens of ferrets. They are delightful animals. Your love and knowledge of nature are also obvious. I can see that I am really going to enjoy getting acquainted with you via your poetry.
    | Posted on 2005-07-09 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey that's a coincidence, This is the piece you wrote in the forum! I wrote one too, and guess what, I posted it aswell.

    uh, where it says " My mother never kissed me... I believe that you ment to put because she smelled the wild mushrooms on my breath." I kinda think that sound better and flows better. I may have misunderstood it though.

    you know after reading it again, it seems to be that you are speaking to your mother. If that is so, I think that you should make the whole poem that way.
    like in the beginning, it goes good, then when it comes to mother, put "you never kissed me mother, why? was it because you smelled the wild mushrooms on my breath?"

    The next stanza then would go like this
    "But you taught me how to mend my bruises-
    years afterward, clouds ruined your crisp eyes,
    but though I tried, I never hid my limp from you.
    Surprise-"

    Then after that the rest would fit as is!

    Cool little story all together though.
    I used to catch frogs when i was a kid too.
    I had a bucket full.

    -mike
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]


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