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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I like swimmingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Brack-Attax
    ASL Info:    21/male/phx
    Elite Ratio:    6.53 - 175/116/21
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 292
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 658



    Description:
       Another post like my last. It was born in thr forum. My curiosity is at work again to find out other's thoughts. The window mentioned is in car if you get confused. It is up to you to figure out what type of car.

    By the way
    It is summer time! Go Swimming!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI like swimmingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The clouds looked bruised to my surprise.
    Then a rain drop fell and kissed me on my eyes.
    It was cool, then hot----by my raging emotions,
    the sun was supposed to be there, nomore beach,
    nomore sun tan lotion.
    fog moving in, mud being made.
    trees getting showered on, sparkling like jade.
    A sharp wavering blue then cut through.
    This was very important but could it br true?
    "Can I go swimming now? " I wrote in the window
    within the morning dew.
    I knew the answer, sadly enough.
    I made a bad desicion yesterday,
    and was put into cuffs.




    Submitted on 2005-06-22 17:30:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      hey i'm not a good swimmer.. but i can still swim in deep water...lol... its cooler if you swim while its raining and if its night...lol...
    ok..about this poem... it does sound like you are in the back seat...and i don't really get the last 2 sentences...yeah and for the rest this was really cool
    kay
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by Kay | [ Reply to This ]
      The imagery here is good, the flow was of a story telling sort, which I prefer. The ending was a surprise, I did not expect it. All in all, a nice piece.
    | Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really quite good. I was drawn to it by the title, as I too like swimming. It wasn't what I expected but liked it very much. I like how you explain the rain filled clouds as being bruised! I've never thought of them like that and it's cool! Bad decisions always ruin everything, don't they? Thanks for this interesting piece! Take care!
    | Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This is cute, short, and funny. So question is, what did you do that put you in cuffs???
    Mike, I want more. I got to the last line and was bummed it was over. Good job.
    You always know how to keep my attention, which I think is a hard thing to do, considering I don't know where it went to...do you have it??

    Kim
    | Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      Well it sound like your in back seat with an uncomfortable pair of bracelets on how hard did they squeeze them ….[censored]s. any way at least they weren’t behind you then you never would have been able to write on the window great imagery I felt like I was there oh wait I have been there…. Damn I hope it all worked out for you and that nobody got hurt to badly
    Terence McGovern
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by mcgovern_xiii | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey man. Good job!
    I really enjoyed reading this.
    I believe you have done an exceptional job.
    I however have a suggestion...
    Try to not rhyme this piece at all.
    Break it down a little and focus a little more on description.
    With that aside i would like to say this is my favourite piece of yours that youve written. I can really see your works starting to take root and cohere to a greater meaning. Good work.
    Bravo.
    Ratio M. Ducet III
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ]
      Ha, were you speeding to the lake/beach/some water source?

    I felt this was rather lighthearted and amusing.....the beautiful, evocative descriptions in the beginning and the cuffs at the end made a very nice contrast....

    (I hope this was just your imagination and not an actual memory...and if it were, I hope it ended well and was nothing too serious)

    All in all, a great way to catch people off guard I, for one, was definitely not expecting the ending to work out the way it did....

    All the best,

    Katia
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]



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