Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
    • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
    • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: How I feeldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kriley6497
    ASL Info:    20/f/WA
    Elite Ratio:    3.36 - 78/73/14
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 227
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 967



    Description:
       Helpful feedback is what I need


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHow I feeldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Rising from my slumber
    From dreams that seem so real
    You look at me with wonder
    And ask me how I feel.
    Thoughtfully I choose my words
    My confidence is weak
    I see a tear fall from your eye
    As you hear the words I speak...

    I'm feeling pessimistic, impatient and distressed
    A little bit unruly, and under great duress
    Vulnerable and violent, unstable and severe
    Uncertain and uneasy, upset and quite unclear
    Impulsive, indecisive, indifferent, and restrained
    Utterly incapable of dealing with my pain
    Perniciously despondent, dispicably inept
    delusional, furious,
    Emotionally unkept
    Skeptical and paralyzed
    Uncivilized and numb
    Immoral, introverted, hysterical and dumb

    So now you know the way I feel
    And why I wear this mask
    And just like every other day
    You're sorry that you asked




    Submitted on 2005-06-22 23:05:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well you asked for critiques, even though I absolutly loved this piece, it's flow and metre, I did find the middle stanza too wordy and overdescriptive. I sincerely think the beauty of this piece could be masterfully brought out simply by shortening it a little. But, even if you don't it is still a fantastic piece. Very well done.

    your friend
    ben
    | Posted on 2005-07-23 00:00:00 | by BenCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      For some reason, this reminds me of a Murderdolls song. "People Hate Me". I don't know WHY, but it does. I love it. Especially the middle part. You should seriously find a lawyer and try to get published. You have it in you.

    Stefanie
    | Posted on 2005-07-20 00:00:00 | by DeadValentine | [ Reply to This ]
      i know that you stated you needed helpful feedback, but this imacculate. the ONLY tinyest bit of critique i could give you is to add an "and" in this line -> "delusional, furious," it is out of beat by just one syllable. the rest of this is so tight. my first +fav on this site :D
    | Posted on 2005-07-17 00:00:00 | by serge | [ Reply to This ]
      Hell. . .This was [censored]in AWESOME! I like the way it rolled off my freaking tounge. If you write all your poems like this Id pay to read them. I dont think I have read one poem on this WHOLE site that has hit me like this. Just well PERFECT. Dont let anyone else tell you other wise...
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]
      this is an amazing peom, unbelieveable! WOW i really enjoyed this the flow how easy is was to read all the thoughts it provoked. brilliant i will be looking at more of your work!
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by lilmiznaughty04 | [ Reply to This ]
      Beyond any expectations I could have thought of
    You my friend have the rhyming skill of a true professional
    And with this advice
    Go find a publisher :)
    I would pay to read your poems just like blindly said.
    I don't know how much-
    But I am a cheap [censored] anyways so probably not much.
    :)
    Great Write,
    Big Bill-
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by Big_Bill789 | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't have to tell you how I am impressed with your poem (the first 3 comments said it). Perfect syllable count and the rhymes are not just those naive words that exict only to rhyme...well, later, i'm off to read more of your writings.
    seeya
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by shoggoth | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a great poem.I'm speechless.When reading this I thought,damn.Wow.Idk how many wow words it put it my head.It's a great poem.And if it speaks the truth the way you feel,I definatly hope you feel better.
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by ArtichokeMosher | [ Reply to This ]
      great perfect relationship of emotions and feelings into words great use of word structure and framing, you could be a carpenter with those skills :) sometimes you see poetry which people write and add words they do not know, and it mummbles it all to make no sence, your write though made perfect sence and had great flow, tantalizing at that, great write..
    | Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by fallenone | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.