[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Voyage of Lovedots

    Author: literary lover
    ASL Info:    18 Female Wisconsin
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 59/65/16
    Words: 923
    Class/Type: Story/Love
    Total Views: 1042
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4899

       This is something I wrote years ago, though this isn't the original. Every time I find this piece on a disk somewhere (every year or so) I find things to revise about it. It's one of my favorites though. Advice would be nice.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVoyage of Lovedots

    One night I went to bed feeling incomplete, like all other nights before. For some reason, however, the feeling was stronger than it had ever been. It was a feeling I did not know, and yet, it was growing. The only apparent thing was that a part of life was missing in me; a part I obviously have never experienced but needed to fill the growing abyss.
    I lied in bed, staring at the ceiling for a long period of time, thinking and wondering with focused concentration what it could be. All of a sudden, a new force possessed me. A force that repeatedly said, “Follow me . . . follow me . . . ” And as though I lost all control over my senses, I obeyed it to my window.
    For a moment I just stared blankly ahead as if waiting for further instructions. The voice then continued surging commands, now taking complete control of my mind and body.
    I opened the window and a rush of cold wind greeted me, flowing and coursing its way around my body. I raised my head slightly and closed my eyes as the wind continued lightly caressing me. Finally the wind faded and I opened my eyes slowly.
    A new sudden feeling of enchantment and pleasure coursed its way to a part of me I never felt: the crevasse which had grown in place of my heart. The feeling, however, didn’t fill the abyss but instead swirled inside it like a whirlpool. I needed yet, to steady and lock the feeling, to be complete.
    I viewed before my eyes just the common woods, but tonight not so ordinary. The leaves of the treetops danced in the breeze as moonlight eluded itself through the tiny gaps between them. Fireflies were scattered everywhere, flying on the breezes and sparkling like small stars on earth, arousing a mystical sense. I then peered down a far length to view the ground and had then noticed a flash of darkness, or the movement of a shadow.
    The next thing I remember was running, barefoot and still in my nightgown, through the trees. Just running deeper and deeper, not really knowing where or why I am going. After what seemed like an endless stretch of trail, I halted in the middle of a clearing.
    I wandered my attention up to the night sky and stared with amazement. It looked like an inky blue velvet veil with the stars shimmering like glitter, and the full moon, a gem, shining a direct ray of light to the position where I stood.
    My faithful breeze returned and began circulating around me; faster and faster . . . gathering speed . . . spinning around my body . . . until . . . it stopped. Everything ceased.
    This all seemed so nonexistent but, at the same time, felt very real. I fastened my eyes shut to absorb what was happening. I felt the tension of my surroundings rise and my heart started swiftly accelerating, changing rhythm. Then as quick as a crack of lightning my eyes sprung open . . . and there, in front of me, he stood.
    His enticing glare burned through my soul with intensity as I stood trapped, and confined in a daze. His alluring, stormy, azure eyes captured my incessant gaze and cast me in a trance as the sound of steady beating drums filled my ears. It was then I realized it wasn’t drums, but our two hearts beating simultaneously to the same rhythm.
    I felt motionless as I felt his fingertips grasp my waist and he pulled me closer. I began to melt in his arms as I felt his warm, moist lips press against mine. My soul leapt and took flight as the definement between him and I erased and we became one.
    It was then he grabbed my hand and beckoned me into the trees where my attention was taken by a beautiful, glowing white stallion. Its silver mane glistened like the stars above us. For once, I felt the presence of a higher power.
    He then mounted upon the horse and assisted me onto it as well. The horse galloped through the trees as if they were long, winding tunnels. The midnight sky lingered as what seemed forever and we went faster and further to an unknown destination of what appeared deeper than the confessions and insights of the imagination.
    My mind sprinted like the beautiful stallion we rode. I gaped above and contemplated the stars and the serene desire they resembled.
    I held him tight and passion took over as I felt the shedding of tears roll down my cheeks like silent thunder. I began to tremble as I steadily began to realize what the absent emotion revealed to be. A word concealed from my world: Love.

    With my knight, my prince, I ride away on a white stallion, far away, to a destination yet untraveled to realize what was keeping me broken. I travel with him, now complete, as the two of us are adjoined as one by what now fills the former abyss . . . Love. My love for him will remain powerful and true; I will love him forever. We are One.

    Submitted on 2005-06-23 15:34:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      A couple suggestions I have while reading the story I will get to the effect it had on me after I read it again.

    "I obeyed it to my window" Maybe put ', going' inbetween it and to.
    "A new sudden feeling" maybe reverse 'sudden and new'.
    " not really knowing where or why I am going." not really knowing where I was going or why.
    "to the position where I stood" maybe take out 'the position'.

    I really enjoyed this piece. You can feel her confusion and her ache. Your descriptions are wonderful, of the colors, the nights sky, his eyes, etc. I'm sorry I didn't comment last night, as I told you I would, but I hoped that commenting today would be alright.

    Not many people read prose, and if they do, they don't tend to take the time to comment. Me, on the other hand, I like reading prose, and I find them easier to comment on. Yours could be better with a little more work, not saying its bad any piece could be made better with work. My suggestions might not be to your liking, but if/when you go back through this and make adjustments I would like to know.

    Thanks for posting.
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this. It was more like a short story than a poem. But, I like writing pieces like that.
    "I realized it wasn’t drums, but our two hearts beating simultaneously to the same rhythm. " That is great wording. I enjoyed the whole thing. Great write.
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by shes automatic | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]