Description: Wrote this during class sometime last year. Found it at the bottom of my backpack (YAY GRADUATION). Oh, and check my uploaded songs out. Look for "-NOW ONLINE" on my page.
She grew out of stone
And stretched towards the light
And when she was grown
She swallowed the night
She killed the twilight
And she killed my pain
I had nothing to lose
She had nothing to gain
My concrete rose
What thorns are yours?
If I come close
What thorns are yours?
She kissed the light
I followed in trance
She followed the sun
And I saw them dance
She killed the twilight
And she killed my pain
I had nothing to lose
She had nothing to gain
My concrete rose
What thorns are yours?
If I come close
What thorns are yours?
I think you just so amazing. Well I think when some people write over and over lyrics, they get used to that, and when they try to write a poem, it sounds more like lyrics. That is what it sounds like in here. But don't get me wrong, you have huge talent. I like your wrok alot. I think you did a good job with the rhyming. Its sounds like things got twisted up and you don't know what way you want to go..
"She grew out of stone And stretched towards the light And when she was grown She swallowed the night She killed the twilight And she killed my pain I had nothing to lose She had nothing to gain"
This sounded pretty much like a song, but it was quite lovely. Anyways, After "She swallowed the night" The next line after that didn't seem right. Because you had a certain pattern of rhyming that I saw, and the line was in the wrong place. You should think about changing the line "She swallowed the night" so that it doesn't rhyme with the line underneat it. Other than that I found it to be a satisfying poem. :)
Definately sounds like song lyrics. But everything sounded good to me. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a sad or happy poem. It sounds more depressing. Like This girl you loved is like a tease and being with her is a plus for you like what's it gonan hurt if you already dont have anything. and for her it's like she wont gain anything from it so there isn't much want for her to be with you. I dont know maybee you could give a description. Good post.
These seem more like song lyrics, what with the rhyming scheme and the repetition of ' My concrete rose What thorns are yours? If I come close What thorns are yours?'
and also with 'She killed the twilight And she killed my pain I had nothing to lose She had nothing to gain' at the end of the other stanzas.
Perhaps you could go embellish a little more. This poem is about a girl who seems like a concrete rose to you? That is what I got from it.
Simple rhyme scheme, simple phrasing... dealing with common subject matter like pain, light and night.
I'm not sure what kind of counselling you wanted? Perhaps you might be able to tell me.
All in all, I'm not sure about this one. It's ok. I'm sure it could be improved. Thanks for the post
Submission Name: Flower
