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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Flowerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cindergarden1
    ASL Info:    18 Male Sweden
    Elite Ratio:    4.69 - 43/58/17
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 727
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 721



    Description:
       Wrote this during class sometime last year. Found it at the bottom of my backpack (YAY GRADUATION). Oh, and check my uploaded songs out. Look for "-NOW ONLINE" on my page.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFlowerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She grew out of stone
    And stretched towards the light
    And when she was grown
    She swallowed the night
    She killed the twilight
    And she killed my pain
    I had nothing to lose
    She had nothing to gain

    My concrete rose
    What thorns are yours?
    If I come close
    What thorns are yours?

    She kissed the light
    I followed in trance
    She followed the sun
    And I saw them dance
    She killed the twilight
    And she killed my pain
    I had nothing to lose
    She had nothing to gain

    My concrete rose
    What thorns are yours?
    If I come close
    What thorns are yours?




    Submitted on 2005-06-23 17:10:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      *screeeeeeeeams* you are masterful Nils. Oh troll king how may I be of service haha. Im gonna be your pod wand trainee :) <star wars>
    | Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by lolavie | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you just so amazing. Well I think when some people write over and over lyrics, they get used to that, and when they try to write a poem, it sounds more like lyrics. That is what it sounds like in here. But don't get me wrong, you have huge talent. I like your wrok alot. I think you did a good job with the rhyming. Its sounds like things got twisted up and you don't know what way you want to go..

    stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-07-01 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      "She grew out of stone
    And stretched towards the light
    And when she was grown
    She swallowed the night
    She killed the twilight
    And she killed my pain
    I had nothing to lose
    She had nothing to gain"

    This sounded pretty much like a song, but it was quite lovely. Anyways, After "She swallowed the night" The next line after that didn't seem right. Because you had a certain pattern of rhyming that I saw, and the line was in the wrong place. You should think about changing the line "She swallowed the night" so that it doesn't rhyme with the line underneat it. Other than that I found it to be a satisfying poem. :)

    -Segniust
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by Segniust | [ Reply to This ]
      Definately sounds like song lyrics. But everything sounded good to me. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a sad or happy poem. It sounds more depressing. Like This girl you loved is like a tease and being with her is a plus for you like what's it gonan hurt if you already dont have anything. and for her it's like she wont gain anything from it so there isn't much want for her to be with you. I dont know maybee you could give a description. Good post.
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
      These seem more like song lyrics, what with the rhyming scheme and the repetition of
    ' My concrete rose
    What thorns are yours?
    If I come close
    What thorns are yours?'

    and also with
    'She killed the twilight
    And she killed my pain
    I had nothing to lose
    She had nothing to gain'
    at the end of the other stanzas.

    Perhaps you could go embellish a little more.
    This poem is about a girl who seems like a concrete rose to you? That is what I got from it.

    Simple rhyme scheme, simple phrasing... dealing with common subject matter like pain, light and night.

    I'm not sure what kind of counselling you wanted?
    Perhaps you might be able to tell me.

    All in all, I'm not sure about this one. It's ok. I'm sure it could be improved. Thanks for the post
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    63975

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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