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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: An Illusiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Segniust
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 74/33/8
    Words: 214
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1205
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1356



    Description:
       I'm trying to make this poem better. Any advice would be appreciated. :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAn Illusiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Barriers are closing in on the fragile mind,
    As the agony is slowly annihilating her,
    Insanity seems to emit out of her eyes,
    And her soul is entangled by mere illusions,

    She grits her teeth and tugs her hair,
    But nothing seems to stop the torment,
    And all she can hear is the ghastly tune,
    As it grows stronger and harsher in her head,

    She fashioned herself a dark and solitary cell,
    And sheltered herself inside its steel bars,
    But she couldn’t remain hidden from the song,
    Because it was always lurking inside of her,

    And every day she shouted and screamed,
    She drove herself into a state of craziness,
    Yet her pitiful attempts always seemed to fail,
    And only brought tears to her mosaic like eyes,

    Soon the sinister tune began to obscure her thoughts,
    And all she could do was sit there and weep,
    She tried to evade from its lethal clutches,
    But no amount of running ever helped her escape,

    She kept on fleeing from that terrible melody,
    Until the day the tune took her existence away,
    Yet I realize that she died because of her fears,
    And that the small sound was just a figment...

    An illusion that brought others the same fate




    Submitted on 2005-06-23 23:49:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is very interesting. i see it as a girl who protects herself from the world and builds walls around her to keep her safe but by doing that she has drove herself to insanity. There are some parts that I think need to be changed.
    "Because it was always lurking inside of her,"
    If you took out the "of" it would make it a lot easier to read.
    "She drove herself into a state of craziness," maybe change this to "driving herself into a state of craziness"
    "And only brought tears to her mosaic like eyes," take out the "like"
    "She tried to evade from its lethal clutches," change "clutches" to "clutch"
    Those are just some suggestions. I really like the ending. It enhances the whole poem.
    Katana
    | Posted on 2006-10-24 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]
      Since you've asked for some help, I'll focus a little on the overall message. Something that isn't entirely clear is . . . just what is the source of torment? This seems central to the poem's success or failure. Without it, it remains limited to a sensory description . . . and that is not what you're after, I'm sure. That would be the major point I'd make in any revision would be to clarify that idea . . . give it a sharper edge and secondly, employ more concrete imagery to guide the reader and allow them to feel the things you're trying to convey, rather than spelling it out for us . . . or telling us. What is it like? How does it feel, smell, sound, look like, but not literally . . . metaphorically. Don't be afraid to let go and risk a more subconscious approach. Get into that zone and really what do you see there? I don't know if this is helpful but . . . these are the most important points I could think of.

    Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, Segnuist First thanksfor your kind comments on "Supernova Decendant"
    I really like this peice very evocative imagery!
    I might substitute Delerium for crazyness. It's funny as I read , Ikept waiting for the punch line i
    the song! wonder what it would read like if in the end there was a particular song.
    Just a few thoughts but again thought this was awesome! BTW As you probaly guessed I'm pretty sappy too! :) Steve
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
      this is somewhat interesting. I think the fact that this poem isn't really based off of anything adds merit. However, I suggest that if you don't use a rhyme scheme, use a static number of syllables per line. And in the last set, you used five lines and not four. It throws off the balance of the poem. If you were to tweak the flow of the poem it would be very good.
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Raistlin Sith | [ Reply to This ]
      I make a habit of reading the poems before I read the descriptions. (I like to see if the poem is complete in and of itself.) With that said:

    I was blown away by the intensity, the feeling of being trapped within yourself, that came through in this piece.

    I'm a bit confused as to why you feel you need to better this piece. It is descriptive, well-worded, and stays on the topic you picked.

    I did find the last stanza a bit out of the pattern you established with the rest of the poem. I would suggest placing a period (or three dots to let the reader know it's not done) at the end of the second to last line and breaking the last line off to stand on it's own.

    Other than that, I would really suggest leaving this as it is. (Some help I've been, huh?)

    Thanks for sharing this emotional ppiece!
    -Chell-
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      You have great pontential and this is a great start. The imagrey, so graphic, so much feeling.. It's like you're telling a story of strength and triumpth. I like it as it is. I usually don't change my writes unless I see fit. But do what you wish. It's your work. Welcme to Elite
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]


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