Frostbitten by Lelik

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Submission Name: Frostbitten dots

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Author:	Lelik
ASL Info:	40/M/Jhb - South Africa
Elite Ratio:	5.31 - 1184/979/189
Words:	99

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	320
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	648

Description:
I don't really deserve any comment on this, but cannot hang out here and just read your stuff. I suppose I'm hiding out in a way. I really must reply to some of your comments soon, sorry friends, I'm just totally preoccupied. You help me cope though, it is an activity and ritual of sorts coming here, forcing another read and an occasional write. It takes time and I'll allow myself that much. That isn't really a description, is it? Oh what the heck, I wanted to say it, and now it is said. Hope all my enraptured fans like this, heh, heh!

Frostbitten dots

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How many places are you and
in how many have you actually been?
Not really to be all alone and
certainly never there to be seen.
Finger strokes that once could read
secret notes in Braille and gasp -
rapturous in the European heat
as jaws opened in their tight clasp.

Now all feels deadened by
the biting Antarctic cold and numb
and eyes stare blindly to the glaring
sun punched by another icicle thumb.
Breath comes in short and shallow
puffs of mini-cloud to remind
of silver linings and promises of
a rekindled heat now left behind.

Submitted on 2005-06-24 09:10:45 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  this one kind of reminds me of being in jail which is sad but hard fact not sure what you were saying exactly but it left me with a sense of being lost oh well good write none the less

cartoon autopsy
| Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by cartoon autopsy | [ Reply to This ]
  hmm. i'm not sure how many places i am. i'm sure it's several and they're far apart. i understand what you mean by
"Not really to be all alone and
certainly never there to be seen."
it's an excellent line expressing that sort of feeling you can't quite name.
i like how you juxtaposed the egyptian heat in the first stanza with the cold of the second. the title fits well and gives the whole thing a sort of melancholy tone. you have a way of saying things that make no literal sense yet conveying exactly what you mean. as evidence i give you the entire second stanza and the phrases "glaring sun punched by an icicle thumb" and "mini-cloud." interesting even for a pit stop in the stagnant frozen-over wells that stand in the mist alongside an asphalt road. hope it leads somewhere warmer.
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
  you didn't want comments, so I won't really give one, except to say that I think I know what you're going through and I am in similar shape. I hope you are not feeling quite the pressure that I am. People seem to think that we can spit out masterpieces as if we have some live in muse that we [censored] at our convenience, but for me anyway, I have to have a clear head to even start and right now my head is a jumbled up mess.

Anyway, I love your style and I feel this piece. Look forward to better times for both of us. I'll be keeping an eye out...
| Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this peom. It is beautiful. Why didn't you want it commented on?? Well anyways I like the descriptive wording flow it gave this peom originality and color. Well written and it is actually beautiful to hear about Antartica, maybe cause I have never been there. You must love to travel! Great poem!
| Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by Lauren Guzman | [ Reply to This ]
  i thought this was wonderful and why you think you dont deserve comment is beyond me, i wish i could wrie in the same way , i always think my work is child like although some pieces are from years ago ( otherwise it could be i havent grow up yet even though i'm 30 years old)
chin up , take care Lainie
| Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by lainie75 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hang in there. I know things are rough and... well... cold. But... just look at it this way. The Earth doesn't stop rotating... and even if it does... the body compensates... and everything will be fine. Nothing is lost forever... that is why people keep walking.

sige lang... sulat lang ng sulat
| Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  Intriguing, is what my first impression of this poem was. It was something new and different from what I'm used to reading. It had this certain air to it, that made me think for awhile what this poem's true meaning was. I would try to remember to capitalize the first word in every line (I'm a big stickler about capitilization). The first two lines sort of threw me off of the whole poem, but once I read it over again I guess it's alright. Anyways, splendid work. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more stuff from you.

-Segniust
| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Segniust | [ Reply to This ]
  This was beautiful. The light rhyming worked really well and I liked how you didn't just rhyme at the end of each time, it made your format more unique and gave it a nicer flow. The imagery are fantastic.

I loved the lines:

"and eyes stare blindly to the glaring
sun punched by another icicle thumb"

I have to say that I completely disagree with Segniust about the capitilization. I used to capitalize the first word of each line in my poetry but someone once suggested changing it so that I only capitalize at the beginning of sentences and now I only write that way because it really improves the flow. So, I definitely think you should leave the capitilization as it is. However, I do think you could add a comma or two. But that's up to you, it doesn't really need it, I'm just thinking it could make it easier to read.

Anyway, I thought this was amazing and I can't wait to read more from you. Keep up the great work!

~Babysweet56
| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Babysweet56 | [ Reply to This ]
  I can see why you enjoin us to read and move on without comment. It's altogether more a short spell of drawing breath and taking stock before the beginning of round 3. ding ding...
It seems to be a given that you would blunder on without the obligatory minute in your corner. Always listen to the coach through humming ears.
There was a feeling here (helped somewhat by the description) of stopping at a metaphysical transport cafe. A short interlude to load up on coffee before pressing on into the dusty sunset and the extremes of temperature indicate succinctly the mood of the words and thus the author.
I trust you packed a cardi.
It can be cold out there on the freeway.
And equally just as hot in the blue corner...
Take it easy mate,
K
| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]

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