Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Internal Masterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nebnim
    ASL Info:    21 - Female - My Room
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 284/405/75
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1229
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 628



    Description:
       I think I'm talking to myself in this one. It's not about another person, I'm sure of that. I don't know. It confuses even me.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInternal Masterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You'd weild your iron whip with rage
    Wave after wave
    Until all I saw were beautiful things behind my eyes
    I thought maybe you'd be strong enough to love me
    Maybe I'd be strong enough to be yours
    Without hesitation this time
    I'd allow your anger to control me
    Fill me
    Master my thoughts, my desires, my darker needs
    Would you allow yourself to need me?
    Want me as I've wanted you?
    You weild your iron fist with calculated rage
    The brash light of your eyes daring me
    Mocking the beautiful things you created for me




    Submitted on 2005-06-24 10:40:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      confussion is beauty. this is a great stream of thoughts mixed with great color. you created this raw animalistic-like-mood that leaves me wondering about the true meaning of this piece. It is sometimes freshing to walk away without an answer.

    Until all I saw were beautiful things behind my eye - Friggin loved it.

    | Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by childs | [ Reply to This ]
      A very powerful little piece, Rachel. I was drawn into the imagery of talking to this lover who actually is part of your own psyche, and found it fascinating.
    I can only guess that you're talking about a personal trait or mind-set (not explaining this very well) maybe a part of your personality ,that you maybe thought you wanted, but then realised it was the master and not the servant?

    Anyway, any piece that makes me think about it in torment is a bloody good piece, so well done, you sure have me thinking!
    be Happy
    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      My thoughts as I read the piece (kind of a streaming thing):

    Aftre reading only the poem, I think this is an interesting piece. It reads as a statement to a "lover", in reality to a person that you're more addicted to than love. The person has some hold on you from the past, some shared piece of time that you don't want to abandon. Something that you're not letting go of, something that allows them to wield this incredible addictive power over you. You're really hooked on this person and though you'd be better off without him or her, you keep going back to the person anyway. Definitely an addiction.

    When I finished reading the poem and went to the description (the order in which I feel we should all read things here) I found a surprise. The poem isn't about another person, it's about a piece of you. I guess I need to revisit the poem and figure it out differently.

    No. After reading it again, I don't think I do. I think my first thoughts still hold up in everything except who it is that your addicted to.

    Jesus, when did I become a shrink? Maybe I should go back to what I do best.

    I loved the poem.

    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Some parts of this poem I found cut off the flow or made me slightly confused.... such as...

    "You weild your iron fist with calculated rage
    The brash light of your eyes daring me
    Mocking the beautiful things you created for me"

    I really think you should fix the second line, to me it wasn't something that I found that fitted with the rest of the poem. It just sounded like a filler that you put in... maybe you meant it in a certain way, but I'm just not seeing it. The rest of your poem was good and did set a certain dark mood that I think you were intending. I thought you also used some words twice that only should be used once, like "iron" and "beautiful". It you can find different words for those, this poem will be amazing. :)

    -Segniust
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Segniust | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    64069

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry