Lone Goddess by Segniust

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Submission Name: Lone Goddess dots

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Author:	Segniust
ASL Info:	17/f/az
Elite Ratio:	8 - 74/32/6
Words:	90

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	329
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	588

Description:
I'm still a bit "iffy" about this poem. I used some rhyming in it, which is different from what I usually write. So I don't know how good this poem is. Bear with me. :p

Lone Goddess dots

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Her eyes are emotionless,
They do not bear her soul,
Yet they continue to watch
For what we don't know,

Her lips are a thin line,
That allows nothing to pass through,
Yet fakes a smile for a stranger,
And tries to act polite too,

Her hands are clenched together,
And are pressed against her chest,
To keep the pain she feels inside,
From slowly creeping out,

She is not a demon,
For those who might ask,
Just a lone goddess,
Which love happened to pass,

Submitted on 2005-06-24 18:31:14 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is also a good poem. Theres just one thing that I didnt like about it."That allows nothing to pass through" what if you changed that to " That no words can pass through" i think that it will fit in better with what you're trying to say. The rest of the words are magnificent.
Katana
| Posted on 2006-10-24 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this poem flowed well, and I know I'm just repeating what everyone else said but yea, the rhyme flowed without being forced, which is what you want to achieve when you do rhyme.

This one made me feel sad, I know a lot of people with this same outlook, perhaps I feel like this on some days. I might be friendly on the outside but I feel so alone and unloved and I wish I could just say it, but hey.

Thank you for your words, they made a lot of sense to me and obviously to a lot of other people too. Cheers
| Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  Now here I'm getting at a little of what the pain is that I commented on in your other piece. It's loneliness . . . feeling passed up, something we all feel at one time or another, I'm sure. And for me that feeling comes from thinking differently than most everyone around me and never truly being able to relate the deepest parts of myself . . . of always having to dumb it down . . . we can be surrounded by friends and loved ones who admire us, yet still feel so very much alone.

This is great fuel for poetry. Confessional and personal, yes, but something everyone should be able to relate to.

Well done!
| Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  You're on your way to the top. Keep submiting and I'll keep commenting. I love seeing new tslent, new styles.. such a wonderful descrption.. your words seem to flow effortlessly. The ending supried me and fit well. I definitely look forward to your future work. Cool icon
| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]
  You know as I read this, the Mona Lisa came to mind. This would be a beautiful description of Da vinci's painting. Very lovely - well done!
| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
  The ending was great...it was really good.

"Just a lone goddess
which love happened to pass"

That's great!

"Her eyes are emotionless,
They do not bear her soul,
Yet they continue to watch
For what we don't know,"

she doesn't show any emotion yet she waiting for love-this is great...really great.

"Her lips are a thin line,
That allows nothing to pass through,
Yet fakes a smile for a stranger,
And tries to act polite too,"

No kisses-no feelings-nothing touches her outwardly and inwardly-it's like her heart is as cold as ice-but, like a descent person would do she smiles-but we know it's fake b/c there's no emotion-it's just there...I'm really liking this!

"Her hands are clenched together,
And are pressed against her chest,
To keep the pain she feels inside,
From slowly creeping out,"

Gosh!-sorry-but she wants love-companionship-'cause you know, no one can ever live a life alone-it's just nature to have someone...

and did I say-the ending was great...this is definitely going in my favs...

good job!
-stacey-
| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
  First, I want to thank-you greatly for your comment on "A Concieted Tale." O really appreciated it and your kind words:O)

Moving on...I really like this piece. Hunny you can rhyme (Unlike myself)! You kept a good flow, and your rhyme didnt break just so that everything was in tune. You did an awesome job here! My only question is why the comma after each ending stanza? At first it just ocnfused me a bit, but as I wondered further I thoguht maybe it was to show taht her love would never come, so as opposed to a period, shes trapped in comma land, not being fully complete.

Or, perhaps I just read into tings too much.

Anyway, overall I really enjoyed reading this. Ill def. have to check out more of yoru work!

-Kayla
| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
  i don't know really quite what to say. although it's not in a style i usually like, nor write myself, it just so happens that it could be an interpretation of, well, me. how the heck that happened i have no clue, but this poem describes me down to the clenched fists (my mom tells me i'm fetal because i hold my hands the way babies do) the eyes, the feelings (a.k.a. lack of). etc. i'm still in awe.

weird.
| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by osweetrepose | [ Reply to This ]
  aww I liked it def. a fav! however i don't think emotionless, is a word maybe unemotional. other than that is was an awesome peice and i'm glad that you decided to share this one even if is out of the ordinary to try rhyming. you did a good job with that b/c it wasn't like ewwww I CAN RHYME! it flowed nicely and the words didn't seem forced at all. and thats a lot better than a lot can do when they try new things with their writing! so props to you! good job and i hope to see more from you on the site!
Hannah
| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Devils Angel | [ Reply to This ]
  What I like about you poems is that your style is consistent, you have signature writing so i can pinpoint who wrote this without reading the author. Very well worded, and gave a pleasant but a bit depressing feeling! Good job!

**I.N.D.E.L.I.B.L.E._I.N.K.**
| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Indelible_ink | [ Reply to This ]

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