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    dots Submission Name: Spilt Teadots

    Author: Segniust
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 74/33/8
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Childrens
    Total Views: 1174
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 655

       Something cute that I've been working on. :) Any comments are appreciated. ^_^

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSpilt Teadots

    It was an ordinary day
    Until someone split the tea
    Now the dolls are fighting,
    While little tears are being shed

    So "who dunnit?" was asked
    We all cast suspicious glances
    And begin to blame the youngest
    Who could barely even talk

    We just sit there and quarrel
    Till we were causing a loud ruckus
    And found ourselves in separate corners
    With a small pout on our faces

    "Who dunnit?" was asked once more
    But none would admit to the crime
    So I guess we'll never know...
    Ah well... let's have some tea.

    Submitted on 2005-06-24 23:35:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Tea party? and I wasn't invited??
    This is a lovely poem.. reminds me of my young-girl days. And I don't know why but it also reminds me of "Alice in Wonderland". And has the echo of the phrase "don't cry over spilt milk"...and a "who dunnit"...all wrapped up in one.
    Very nice!
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      You know the only suggestion I have for this delightful little poem is to change the position of the ellipses in the last line to:

    Ah well . . . let's have some tea.

    And keep them as they are in the preceeding line, or even go with a long dash to show a break in thought.

    I liked the image/metaphor you began with. It was great. A dolly tea party! haha!

    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      You know, at a certain glance, it does appear simple. But, really… you were able to bring in to light the innocence of being a child. The ability to brush aside things grown ups can’t and the innocuous way of going through life with a single digit age.

    I have a few issues with this piece though…

    It is a bit messy.

    “And found ourselves is separate corners” I think should be… “And found ourselves in separate corners”


    “But noone would admit to the crime” should be “But none would admit to the crime.”

    Other than that… it was an amiable read.

    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      A simple little didy that I like. I think that some spelling edits and some coherance in time and sapce would imrove the piece. Yet even with its simplicity, I feel like it could delve into more the idea of childish longing, and that of adult blame.
    Just some thoughts...
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by queendepricate | [ Reply to This ]

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