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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Death of Minddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shoggoth
    ASL Info:    24/m/croatia
    Elite Ratio:    4.74 - 80/84/30
    Words: 126
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 944
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 839



    Description:
       Please tell me if you have any advice, especially if you think that it is too short (lack of explanation)...

    Special thanks to Rue, again!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeath of Minddots
    -------------------------------------------


    A shroud of chaos much too still
    Engulfs the ground in scorn and shame
    Perverted moon disgorges light
    Unveiling remnants of a twisted game

    Blinded landscapes roughly gasp
    The heedless rot when in its view
    The howling fields grow unrestrained
    Fading to the darkest hue

    Heaps of corpses clog the gorge
    Echoes mould a morbid chime -
    In unrest the blood still clots
    A reminder of the still fresh crime

    The Earth devours countless dead
    Maggots join her septic feast
    Gnawing groins and hashing skin
    A hell-full of the damned at least


    I seek the meaning of this image
    As things are not as they may seem
    Madness worries me - not death
    For it only was a dream





    Submitted on 2005-06-25 11:27:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Blinded landscape roughly gasps
    The heedless rot when in its view was a bit confusing when I first read it. Maybe:
    A blinded landscape roughly gasps or:
    Blinded landscapes roughly gasp. That line brought the image of a Dr. Suess book.. the one with the truffala trees... the truffala trees that everyone needs... uhh... THE LORAX! Yeah. Kind of dark and deserted landscapes, sad with that heavy memory of loss over them. I love the next few lines... very chilling, the word chime just sort of strikes a nerve in me... Reminding of the, still fresh, crime
    what's up with the commas? It made me stutter... I like...
    A reminder of the still fresh crime. It seems smoother, no? The rhyme scheme of the fourth verse really befuddled me... I wanted to juggle it all around and make the rhyming word be dead instead of feast. Which would involve something about a demented head. I'll not go there, though, it's good how it is. Only a dream. Not crazy, really. O.o Mm. Another great read. Peace. -rue
    | Posted on 2005-09-02 00:00:00 | by Rue | [ Reply to This ]
      thanks alot man, post it right around lunch time, how am I gonna finish my sandwhich after reading that!...:p...but anyways very very descriptive, and it fits the Genre perfectly, the ending really hit it off, and I wasn't at all put out by the length, it was a very good length.

    The poem was a bit gruesome, but what could you expect, I really like this part right here.

    The Earth devours countless dead
    Maggots join her septic feast
    Gnawing groins and hashing skin
    A hell-full of the damned at least

    that Line was just plain brutal, and extremely disgusting, but got your point across loud and clear. The writing style really gives it a eerie feeling, I could imagine a person reading it, and the emotions. Nice job!

    **I.N.D.E.L.I.B.L.E._I.N.K.**
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by Indelible_ink | [ Reply to This ]
      This is not too short, in fact O find it a nice length- not overly long but not really short. It's morbid and a uniquely writen dark poem from what I've seen before. You make it seem so real but then come to find it's not. The 2nd to last stanza reminded me of the Black Plauge. Great job
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]
      Good work. I truly enjoyed this poem. It has a very solid flow and it reads easy. The message is clear, but does not shove something down your throat. The ryhme scheme was great, and you followed through. Too many times have I seen a rhyme scheme change mid poem. It has great imagery. Great descriptive words. I would leave it at this length, it leaves something to the imagination. Oh, and I must congratulate you. I finally found a poem without grammatical errors and misspelled words. Hooray!
    ~Monty
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by Deep_Monty | [ Reply to This ]
      Poems that rhyme are a gamble. Here, the gamble, I feel, pays off. The imagery is wonderfully expressed and so is the purpose. I should qualify my comments under the umbrella that this is a genre of poetry I tend to support but only... ONLY... if it accomplishes something beyond simply "here's gore mixed with creative wording." Again, I think you've accomplished this especially with the last line:

    I seek the meaning of this image
    As things are not as they may seem
    Madness worries me - not death
    For it only was a dream

    I sense the desperation and fear. I LOVE THAT!

    Nice job.

    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by _n3pt | [ Reply to This ]


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