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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: insecuedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: frozenflame
    ASL Info:    22/m/elsewhere
    Elite Ratio:    3.31 - 151/231/68
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 942
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1035



    Description:
       this is for someone very close to me. she knows who she is, and tis poem basically speaks for itself.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsinsecuedots
    -------------------------------------------


    she sits there
    listening to me go on
    wondering to herself
    why is he doing this

    all he ever does is complain
    whining about things that won't happen
    saying this and that
    not knowing that it's all wrong

    from what he's learned about her
    he can still sit there
    saying these accusations
    hurting her more

    a constant chill
    running in his veins
    heating her blood
    to the boiling point

    when will she have enough
    why won't she give up
    why doesn't she push
    what has he done to make her love this much

    she knows he has issues he needs to work out
    and she's willing to help
    he won't ask for it
    but it isn't because he's too proud

    he's been hurt too many times to count
    when he finally realizes
    that she is his and she loves him
    getting rid of all his insecurities




    Submitted on 2005-06-25 13:53:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Alright, this was -okay-
    It had good words mostly
    But,
    There were a few errors I believe
    The poem was Very literal
    Try to use more poetic elements like symbolism and imagery to convey your ideas here
    In the beginning there is none, but then you sort of pick up some
    Boiling point is cliché, I would say
    I would say this is too wordy
    Make it simple but understandable in the most creative way you can come up with
    And make it wacky.
    :)
    Good Job,
    Big Bill-
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by Big_Bill789 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow baby boi i know who this is about and you know that i can relate to it in a sense. and you know how she feels about you and so yea you know what i say so why say it again. anyway great work you know i think your an amazing writer. there is noting about this peice that i would even think of changing. great job your sis...Joy
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by sweet_rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm...what to say to this one?...beside i get it...i am in that very position and i am dateing a guy i cant open up to because i have been hurt to many time before so i get where your coming from.good job and kep it up i would like to see more like that
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by endmypain | [ Reply to This ]


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