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    dots Submission Name: A Beautiful Mysterydots

    Author: peanut911
    ASL Info:    19/f/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.89 - 19/19/8
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 728
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 661

       i wrote this in grade 8 when i used to write a lot and i kinda wuit writing for a while and am now tryign to get back into it. so please critique this. be honest, i can take anything :)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Beautiful Mysterydots

    Resting upon the palm of my intricate hand
    Lies something so simple and pure.
    The creamy petals so smooth and silky
    Against the many meaningless lines of my palm.
    Emitting a fragrance so unique, it lingers
    Long after it's short life.
    It's beauty, it is not the beauty within
    But rather a representing beauty.
    What it represents to you is for you to decide,
    And what it means to me is a secret so deep,
    Not even I know.
    Maybe I will discover the meaning
    Or maybe it will remain a mystery for eternity.
    But why such a mystery,
    For a single white rose?

    Submitted on 2005-06-25 15:56:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I posted that last comment yesterday, and realized that I left something out.
    Like I said repetition of words doesn't usually work. Except for that sometimes it does.
    Repetition of phraces or lines works, and repetition of words works. It just all depends on how it is written. If there is a repeated word it will act as emphasis on the piece if used correctly. Same thing goes for phrases and lines. You know I just thought I'd clear that up. If you do make any changes to this poem, post me a message and I'll gladly have a read.
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by bas | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Meg, You know, I really enjoyed this. I like
    lines 1-7. I like how they flow and are discriptive
    Line 8 seems off though, it is distracting. I think maybe you should try to change it. Maybe you should try something like this: 'It's beauty, it is not the beauty within
    But rather a beauty that is without.'
    I also agree with the other commenter on repetition of words, they also are distracting. So if you took out the word 'representing' from line 8, then 'represents' works in line 9.
    Thesaurus is a good source for finding certain words, but be careful because grammer changes with different words, so just make sure you use the correct grammer.
    Other then that I think you got talent, and I if you keep writing I will keep reading. Your poem has a lot of potential and I think that if you change those few things it will blossom:)

    On a different note thank you so kindly for your comment on my poem 'Plight' :)
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by bas | [ Reply to This ]
      Now it is my turn to return the praise.

    I like the meanings both overy and disguised that ythis poem.

    This is truly a delightful read.

    As to skeered's point you might try something like

    It's beauty, not within rather a representation.

    I like this. Keep em coming.
    | Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]

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