Pour Vous by peanut911

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Submission Name: Pour Vous dots

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Author:	peanut911
ASL Info:	19/f/Canada
Elite Ratio:	4.89 - 19/19/8
Words:	117

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	187
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	781

Description:
What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?

Pour Vous dots

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I opened up to you
I told it all
I felt vulnerable
I felt small.

I let down my guard
I gave you the power
I gave you control
I gave you my heart.

You've kept my secrets
You've comforted me
You've reassured me
You've consoled me.

You could've hurt me so bad
But you never
You listened to all my fears
And wiped away all my tears.

And after all that, you still care
You still want me.
We should be together
That's how i want it to be.

Opportunities have passed
But there are still more out there
We can make our own
We can because we both care.

Submitted on 2005-06-25 16:01:05 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
Well, I pretty much agree with Wolfstar. This poem is very simplistic and could be improved greatly. Too many I's and Your's for my tastes. But that is just my opinion amongst a sea of thousands of other fishes.

A sweet and touching poem though.
Cheers,
Jase
| Posted on 2005-07-17 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
The piece itself is not bad. It's easy to understand and to connect with.
But it's kind of on the simplistic side. I think it lacks some depth, and I don't mean to offend when I say that. Th topic itself is very versatile, and there's a lot you could do with it to make it have a strong and positive effect on those who read it.
What I look for personally in poetry is a connection of the soul, something I had not discovered deep inside that comes out when i read the poem. I do not really get that feeling when I read this piece.
It has a lot of potential; I can sense that. But I think it needs some reworking in terms of presentation. You have the chance to really get into the root spirit of your readers, to really touch them in the deepest level of their hearts. I assure you, once you find your own style, your own means of expression, you will see the change in your writing. Sentiments you never knew you had will present themselves in your writing.
Poetry is not only a way to touch and elighten others, it is a way to enlighten yourself. I have learned so much about myself in my poetry, and I truly hope you do too, in this beginning stage of your life as a poet.
Always be open to editing and revision. There is no piece that is perfect, that has no need for reworking. Just remember that.
| Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by WolfStar | [ Reply to This ]

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