Description: well... um... i think the message comes across clearly, and, well, i dont know, this was just hard to me to write.... and yeah. I'd just appriciate if you tell me what you think...of the poem I mean.....
(i got a few posts about the rhyme scheme being a little child-like... i guess i meant it to be that way... because i was a kid when it happened. Almost like, the incident made me grow up faster, but at the same time, stay innocent and unsure...)
Keeping Your Secret -------------------------------------------
You took my innocence away
And made me what I am today
The trust I had in you was a waste
Everything you stole from me can never be replaced
Am I still innocent or am I trash?
I feel like all my dreams have turned to ash
You took advantage of a child
Even though I cried, you looked at me and smiled
And the sad thing is... you were a child too
You told me it'd be fun, to try something new
It was never fun, I was scared
But you only had one thought, and you didn't care
I've kept your secret every fucking day
What I want to know is what happened when you came to play?
Am I pure? Or am I a whore?
Every weekend you came back for more
I had to live in silence, but now I want to know
Am I a virgin, or Blood Red Snow?
A heart-wrenching piece. To have had your virginity taken at such an early age and in such an unpleasant way must be quite traumatic. Sorry to hear that. The rhythm was a littlejuvenile but served it's purpose in showing your emotional state and your capacity at the time of the ordeal.
You ask a question at the end "Am I a virgin or Blood Red Snow" (note it's my favourite part) but I think you have already found the answer and maybe it's not the answer you were looking for or maybe you were not looking for answers for yourself, you already knew the answer maybe the answer was for the boy who never thought about it so he could know the answer too and realize what he had done.
Again sorry to hear that something like this happened to you. Stay strong.
My favorite part of it was "Am I a virgin, or just Blood Red snow" That just a wonderful way to end it. I like it because you could really get into what you were saying, very good. ~Mandie I love you(just incase tomorrow never comes I'll have no regrets toward today)
I really didn't enjoy your rhyme scheme... but your message was powerful and shocking. The title was what shocked me the most. The thought of keeping something like that a secret. I've known people that have done the same thing, and it usually ends up eating them alive. Because they are always focused on that horrible moment.
And when that happens to a person... especially to a child, it makes me sad. Just knowing that there are people out there that want to take someone's innocence away, without their consent.
You delievered what you wanted to say through this poem, and I salute you for that. I hope, that if this did happen to you, that the old wounds will heal.
I can see why this was hard for you to write. I'm sorry this sort of thing happened to you. You asked for comments 'about the poem' so here goes... The rhyme is good, but also sort of a childlike scheme. Each couplet rhymes, ya know? There is now break or transition, which can be good or bad, I am not saying it is either, just pointing out what you might want to clarify for yourself. Other than that I enjoyed this a lot, very deep, I could feel the emotion, nice write.
I won't lie, after reading and seeing the picture at the top of this page, it makes me scared for you. In my experience prayer is very helpful, and it sounds as though you have seen some tough times, perhaps that has taken away your belief, let it be known that I too have seen situation like the one you decribe here, things happen we can't blame it all on him.
I take it that you or someone you know was raped. Or maybe you (or someone) blamed your self for years and you realized that the other person just talked you into it. Maybe. The poem has a lot of anger in it. you gotta get it all out somehow! The beat seemed a little bit forced, but not to bad. It's still good. This is my fave part:
I had to live in silence, but now I want to know Am I a virgin, or Blood Red Snow?
That tells you what REALLY is happening! well great write and keep it up!
I could feel all the pain and anger in ever line of this. That is good, it connects with the reader. I have has a similar experience at the age of fifteen, and I know that these experiences haunted me for a long time. But you see, mine was a little more complicated, I was a little older. You have to face these demons and realize that this wasn't your fault, and you need to express that. Then maybe you can move on, like I have managed to do. It is hard, and it does take a long time. You have taken the first step by writing this, and letting that secret out. I bet that it was a real load off of your chest. Kudos to you for being so brave.
On to the other stuff now. I know everyone is on you about the rhyming, but rhyming is a hard thing to do. Atleast for me. The poem is okay in itself with the rhyming, but I think that it could be more. Less forced for words. I have found that rhyming gives me limits to what I want to write. Don't get me wrong, I have written things with rhyme, just not well. A writer should have no limits. Your emotions have no limits. Don't limit them with rhyme. I would be very interested to see what this would be like without a rhyme sceme to it. Could you maybe give more in your feelings? I don't know, it would be interesting. The possabilities are endless. Remember, some of the greatest poems don't rhyme.
I hope I helped you a little with this comment. Please, be strong. You will overcome.