pity for the undeserved by

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Submission Name: pity for the undeserved dots

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Author:	_n3pt
Elite Ratio:	4.51 - 150/106/12
Words:	154

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	228
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1091

Description:
I'm always afraid to give too much additional info on the poem as that defeats the whole purpose, right? I think with my last post "charade" I gave to much info in this section and it biased the comments.

I know this poem might sound and feel more conversational than "poetic" at times, but that is a style I've come to adopt for most of my work. I want to capture how experiences affect me emotionally. Hopefully that comes out.

enjoy

pity for the undeserved dots

-------------------------------------------

there is nothing more disgusting
than hypocrisy
(except perhaps the hypocrites themselves)
a lady-
older, plain, really
nondescript-
was sitting in a
coveted
aisle seat on a plane bound for Dallas
when a man walks up
(it’s actually his seat)
“no”, she claims, 21D is a
window seat
not an aisle
oh?
“yes”
she stands, and graciously
allows
him by

fact: 21D is the aisle seat
I know that
most frequent travelers know that
I say nothing
(it’s really none of my business)
then I see her ticket
stamped “platinum”

at times it feels like I live on a plane
what would platinum feel like?
(I’m only gold)
so much traveling
weary, to be sure,
on the soul
I can’t help but feel sorry for her

But I remember a lovely
crucifix
she wore around her neck
perhaps she finds solace in her
faith
but I digress

Submitted on 2005-06-26 07:27:22 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Ah, perfect, just perfect! What you do so well here is allow the reader to engage with the poem and uncover the final realization in a kind of epiphanous revelation, which many poets seem to have forgotten how to do. Your direct style lends itself to this kind of surprise ending, and the observations made at the beginning reinforce the message here without really detracting from the experience.

I've made this a fave as well, for many reasons, and I think you tackled the form of this poem <which is somewhat complex> very well.

Masterful.
| Posted on 2005-07-07 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the conversationalist style here...It is a tricky form to pull off, but you grammar made it easy to read and easy to understand...This reminds me of being stuck in limbo very fight club "single serving" and the little bits and pieces you take from each person you come in contact with, great read...B
| Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by bluepifany | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked the hypocrisy you threw in with the cross around the neck. There ain't nothing as hypocritical as today's church.
I quite liked the style you used, it ran along quite easily, well done
Be Happy
Graeme
| Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmmm....as one who flies a fair bit, Im going to venture a guess and say the gold/platinum is a form of distinction, of some kind...maybe limited to one or a group of airlines?

But even though I do not know the exact reference you are making, I understand the sentiment and thats what matters, I think....

Platinum - more frequent/more priviledged/, gold -less so....kinda like credit cards, and all other forms of 'rewards'....

So she technically should have known it was an aisle seat (that is, IF Im right, and I may very well not be)...but chose to pretend she didnt....

I like the way you've presented this, and used an actual event to represent your attitude to things...but maybe because I dont know you, and how you deal with things, I find this poem.....well, for the lack of a better word, hypocritical

You judge others, but we dont have the chance to see how you would deal with situations.....and the fact you state plainly that you hate hypocrites, hypocrisy and so on kind of makes the conclusion for the reader...youre forcing it upon us, making us question your own motives/integrity/etc...

My suggestion would be to leave out the evident judgement, but let it be felt through your descriptions....elaborate on the lady a bit...talk of her pretentious airs and the way she held her ticket, supposedly casual, but really positioned just so ..for one and all to see the p'latinum' stamp. Make us dislike her for what SHE is, not for what YOU have seen her as.

Does that make sense?

I really hope it does. I also hope you understand this is just one person's opinion on how to make a piece stronger, and you can disregard it should you want to

All the best,

Katia
| Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
  Have you read Bukowski? You and old Buk are two souls of a similar mein. I personally like the conversational style of your writings. It suits you. Direct and to the point.

My initial impression of reading this is that you come off as a classist in the first part of the poem, and a full-on fire and brimstone atheist in the last. Not judging..not name calling..no 'critical' analysis here. Just an observation/impression.

Poems speak for themselves, but only through you.

At least your poems have some 'pizzaz' as Buk called it. I will read them all...and comment.
later, kc
| Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]

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