We know that happiness
Is all a state of mind.
Fly a kite
You yearn to break free
Scream in a wasteland
While this universe still turns to ash
Kick your feet in the sand
And jump over the horizon.
The cosmic rays of the sun
Beat down on your brain.
Smile, like a fool
In the desert and the swamp
Hear the heartbeats of the mosquitoes
Speak a thousand words
Blood loss from the point of a cactus
Won't bring you back around
Not this time, not this note,
Not this sound.
Play your cards right
And you might find yourself.
| This is really interestingly done...and those are often the better ones. I like your choice of words more than anything, but I am the type of writer who uses as many rare and unusual words as possible. I like the fact that this was short, it gives it power. Our minds are all kind of wastelands, aren't they? Creative concept...||| Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by Scribbles1338 | [ Reply to This ] || the flow did seem a bit off, but you've heard that havent you? Well, I just want to say that I liked it, and the Hear the heartbeats of the mosquitoes|
Speak a thousand words." is amazing, you couldnt be more original.
|| Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ] || Your author's note is why I decided to read this (and yes, it does).|
I'll keep it short and sweet:
The different lines don't really seem connected, and some seem like they shouldn't be split up they way they are (ex: lines 11-14).
I love "Hear the heartbeats of the mosquitoes
Speak a thousand words." It's very original.
I'll have to agree with CG. You probably could have made this flow better.
|| Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ] || Oooo... I like the close. Somehow it brings it all together. Isn't that exactly what "finding" yourself is like? And to begin the way you do then take us through this geological mind field... wonderfully done.|
Wish I could be more "critical" but I've said my (peace) piece.
|| Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by _n3pt | [ Reply to This ] |