Crystal by magickandie

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Submission Name: Crystal dots

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Author:	magickandie
Elite Ratio:	4.34 - 190/168/37
Words:	75

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	275
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	482

Description:
This is about my drug use. I know it could be better. Suggestions please.

Crystal

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Her lover, her best friend, her constant companion.
Crystal was there when others were not.
Crystal gave her the courage to be out there and sparkle.
Crystal cleaned with her, and studied with her.
Crystal stole with her, and Crystal pimped her.
She went places with Crystal, she never dreamt of.
Crystal seduced her, and began to kill her.
Slowly she did die, first of heart and soul.
Crystal ensured her body soon followed.

Submitted on 2005-06-26 22:44:41 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  And Crystal threw you down, but your strong will and heart of diamonds brought you back up... I've seen nothing but beauty and grace as i talk to you and read your work... It was the Crystal that filled yer head with lies, but it was also the Crystal that showed you that you have the strength to overcome... no it did not give you the strength, it provided you with the obsitcal... it was your Magical Mystical beautiful way that lead you through the door... I'm very impressed by all that you are my friend... and this poem, it needs not changing in any way... and now i'm off to your next piece of work, wish me luck, if it's half as good as this i'm in for a treat... i just love poetry that allows me to think... allows me to dance in your mind... wallow in your emotion... i love to connect through words... and here i go

Travis
| Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the way you wrote this. I can not relate at all, but I like this just the same. Like Lies said, "Giving Crystal such personification is intelligent." I completely agree. Great job :-)

-nikkki
| Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
  Giving Crystal such personification is intelligent. It seems so easy to do but you did a great job on it. For a complaint, you spelled "dreamt "wrong.
Lies
| Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by Lies | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the repetition of Crystal, the word has an alluring sound to it that suggests mystery and hidden danger. I think you ending is a bit abrupt. You could go more into detail with everything. You've created a good outline here, but now fill it in with more descripition. How does Crystal kill her? What happens to her body, what does her dying soul look like? By answering these questions you should be able to add more detail to you poem.
~VanillaLeaves
| Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by VanillaLeaves | [ Reply to This ]
  Other than the repetition of her name [I think you could repeat it less] it's a nice, though sad story, well told.

Good work here.

Peace,

Joey
| Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  I like that you personified the drug. It kind of reminds me of that Beatles song, "I get by with a little help from my friends" or whatever it's called. I also like how you repeat "Crystal" over and over. It kind of emphasizes how it's always there, whether it's good or bad.

What I didn't like is that it doesn't really flow like a poem. Free verse is good, but I think in this case it would be better to implement some rhyme (maybe couplets?) or at least a little rhythm. It's tough to do that when you've already written the poem, though. Just try and see if it'll flow better if you take out a word here, or change a word there.
| Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Ruby Rivers | [ Reply to This ]

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