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    dots Submission Name: Those Eyesdots

    Author: Segniust
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 74/33/8
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 983
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 679

       This is something that I thought of awhile ago. I don't quite know what I was thinking when I wrote this... (Yes, somewhat stupid.. I know...) It's just what I thought a person would perceive someone's eyes as. It's just a lovely little poem. I hope you all enjoy it.

    And, helpful comments are always appreciated. ^_^

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThose Eyesdots

    Those eyes,
    Brimmed with diamond-like tears,
    Were the first thing I saw
    When I met you that evening

    Green gems,
    Flecked with the sun's rays,
    Narrow in hatred at the sound
    Of my soothing, dulcet tone

    Lashed lids,
    Lowering over your joyless eyes,
    Cause my heart to cease beating
    As I gape at your beauty

    Seething windows,
    Are the ones that hide
    The friendly and carefree spirit,
    Which I know you possess

    Those eyes,
    Even if bitter to my love,
    Will always be the ones
    That I adored since the beginning…

    Submitted on 2005-06-27 23:42:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Sounds like you might of liked this person? anyway great write I enjoyed it very much!
    kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2006-10-26 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      Your style is a bit heavy!
    As if you tried to write in an ancient style, but got lost in the process and it came out heavy.

    At first I thought it was written by a male! I was suprised when I sw you are a girl!!!!!

    Now back to the poem, I am gonna go stanza by stanza.

    I suggest u use a dash between diamond and like so it should be read as a single word (as it is intended to be I suppose).

    You start in a lyrical manner then u hit us with the first detail I observed. Seems more like a scientific project. Especially with the use of "observed" Look it up and 1st meaning you get is watch , study, monitor...


    You start out really nice, then I am confused again, you are soothingly speaking to her yet her eyes wide in trepidation.

    It is I guess your best stanza, but I suggest you use something different from exquisiteness.
    It is a tad heavy and a little midieval.

    I have nothing to say about this stanza, but it is not exceptional, but in someway tells us of the girl's character, the person behind the eyes.

    I am confused at first she is glaring angrily at u then u attempt to ease her sad soul?
    Is she angry or sad? Pick one.

    Orbs is back to science project or if not reminding us of science it is a tad comical.
    Orbs means globes and not very poetic to be describing a loved person's eyes.

    I think your last verse here is a bit too long. It seems out of rhythm.
    my advice revise and read out loud, you will see the difference better.

    I dunno if that is what you asked for in general advice, but I tried my best.
    You have some nice images but the style is a bit stiff at times. try to pick musical words or easy flowing words than difficult ones. These are not what make good poetry.

    Poetry is about telling what you feel in a nice rhythmic flow, even if subject or wording are harsh. The flow and rhythm are your most important assets in a poem, don't try to shove words into them, let them fi in just like a puzzle.

    At least this is how I see it.

    Good luck
    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      I must say, this is incredible. And I like how you don't utilize Those eyes at every stanza but the first and the last, which is a great opening as well as a great ending. And I also admire how you emphasize the eyes (well it is a poem about eyes after all...but you understand). You give out beautiful internal as well as outside characteristics of the eyes that are just, ah I can't even utter! There is no word for that. Well done job. Take care.
    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by wordsofmind | [ Reply to This ]

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