[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Hurricane Land (revised)dots

    Author: childs
    ASL Info:    30/Male/Ca
    Elite Ratio:    3.43 - 246/144/34
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 934
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1341

       Revised because it was too damn long.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHurricane Land (revised)dots

    My Graffiti riddled eyes
    Your conductors grin
    Shallow Brush strokes on female skin
    You on the stairs
    With an auxiliary light
    Stabbing lifeís story
    With Alcohol insight

    Breathing heavily
    Clutching a gasp
    Ripping out demons
    What a beautiful task.

    My Poverty stricken love
    Your railway frown
    Hallow tunneling, our orgasm sound
    You on the stairs
    Toward rattling enlightenment
    Of draped blackout disgrace

    My Feeble lies
    Your compartment glares
    High heels clack with purpose.
    You on the brink
    Flicking through diary page
    Inking out our love
    With harmful prose.

    Breathing heavily
    Clutching a gasp
    Ripping out demons
    What a beautiful task

    My hurricane land
    Your freight train scent
    Rushing past our ill-fated environment
    You on the stairs
    Toppling up-ended
    Where have you landed
    Inside this anesthetic drone


    I know.
    Yes, I do.
    Iíve lost you
    Yes, I have


    I know.
    How you hate me
    God is notating
    Our extension cord lives

    Submitted on 2005-06-28 14:41:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Neat how the second line of nearly each stanza refers to a train in some way. As the whole "relationship" has ended in a train wreck. And I can "see" this image in my mind of two people, once in love.. going over there life together, remembrances of what went wrong.. she scans pages in a diary...while he just goes over it all in his mind, etc. This makes the phrase "Reality Bites" seem all the more appropiate. You've written a real story here.. that I'm sure many have gone through, in some form or other.
    Nice work!
    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    One Time Is Good written by Daniel Barlow
    X written by homeless
    Un Lugar Para Siempre written by SavedDragon
    The Phoenetians and Us written by Torie
    Sleeping Giant written by MyPeriodical
    Chapter written by Crestfallenman
    Hazy Half-Moon written by rev.jpfadeproof
    More written by homeless
    TSC written by rev.jpfadeproof
    trish trillion written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled 2 written by homeless
    Untitled - 8/2017 written by homeless
    BlackBerry Bushes written by Daniel Barlow
    No More Damn Love Poems written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Shading written by saartha
    Untitled - 12/12/2017 written by homeless
    Blank Page written by Chelebel
    Post Naturalism written by cornonthekob
    Would You... written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Sadistic lust written by jjd
    April 1, 2018 written by homeless
    I Wonder If written by Wolfwatching
    Forget written by Crestfallenman
    rimbaudian reverie written by CrypticBard
    Fizzy Love written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Blinded by Sight written by Torie
    Confessions and shit... written by Daniel Barlow
    Eyes written by homeless
    Outside the Chain written by Wolfwatching
    After a Dream written by KeeperOfLight




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]