Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hurricane Land (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: childs
    ASL Info:    30/Male/Ca
    Elite Ratio:    3.43 - 246/144/34
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 973
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1341



    Description:
       Revised because it was too damn long.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHurricane Land (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------




    My Graffiti riddled eyes
    Your conductors grin
    Shallow Brush strokes on female skin
    You on the stairs
    With an auxiliary light
    Stabbing lifeís story
    With Alcohol insight

    Breathing heavily
    Clutching a gasp
    Ripping out demons
    What a beautiful task.

    My Poverty stricken love
    Your railway frown
    Hallow tunneling, our orgasm sound
    You on the stairs
    Descending
    Toward rattling enlightenment
    Of draped blackout disgrace

    My Feeble lies
    Your compartment glares
    High heels clack with purpose.
    You on the brink
    Flicking through diary page
    Inking out our love
    With harmful prose.

    Breathing heavily
    Clutching a gasp
    Ripping out demons
    What a beautiful task

    My hurricane land
    Your freight train scent
    Rushing past our ill-fated environment
    You on the stairs
    Toppling up-ended
    Where have you landed
    Inside this anesthetic drone

    Hush

    I know.
    Yes, I do.
    Iíve lost you
    Yes, I have

    Hush

    I know.
    How you hate me
    God is notating
    Our extension cord lives




    Submitted on 2005-06-28 14:41:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Neat how the second line of nearly each stanza refers to a train in some way. As the whole "relationship" has ended in a train wreck. And I can "see" this image in my mind of two people, once in love.. going over there life together, remembrances of what went wrong.. she scans pages in a diary...while he just goes over it all in his mind, etc. This makes the phrase "Reality Bites" seem all the more appropiate. You've written a real story here.. that I'm sure many have gone through, in some form or other.
    Nice work!
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    64595

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry