[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Simply Gonedots

    Author: morte
    ASL Info:    17/female/earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 430/348/55
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 747
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 513

       The main thing i'm looking for in comments is whether this write has any potential (and what i can do to make it live up to that potential) or whether it's just trash...thanks

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSimply Gonedots

    She drank from the cup of life
    Wide eyed and innocent
    She watched herself become distorted

    She walked down teeming streets
    Crowded in her isolation
    Feeling claustrophobic

    The trees bore silent witness
    As she began to flicker out
    A dying fire’s final flame

    The winds howled no mourning songs
    The clouds gushed no salted tears
    As if the world noticed, it refused to tell
    When she was simply gone

    Submitted on 2005-06-28 18:36:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      What I don't understand is how this Bi tch remained aflame when all these trees were around and the wind was blowing.

    Kind of convoluted in a poetical license kind of way...even if the majority of it relies on figurative speech. Gives it charm.

    This is your poem and I realize that...duh...but when i read the line before the last, I read And as the word "As"...wanting it to be just so.
    I thought about the meaning of both, and I think As kind of puts a re-emphasis on your original pathos.

    Askin "If" lends energy to either possibility, which belongs to your poem?

    Nice work though,

    | Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ]
      well, i have time now...anyways, i thought that this has great potential. i like the metaphors that you use in this, and i think that they can be expanded upon and made into a great piece of work. this is already great as it is, but it could be made extra great. if you are going to add more, let me know, i would like to see how it turns out. great work alex!
    | Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm. well, length doesnt really matter but it could be longer only because it feels like there is more to say. after reading it seemed to me that you could of added a bit more without losing that suspense you gave with your words. its just me but i like words that give out emotions and images. yours gave me images and emotions. had that lonesome gray sad type feel. hard to describe. i loved how you described every little thing. you gave so much detail.

    The trees bore silent witness

    The winds howled no mourning songs

    The clouds gushed no salted tears

    loved those lines. makes the piece more interesting. lovely.

    | Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
      I can't think of how to improve on this, except to make it longer.
    It's an interesting poem, very open to the reader's interpretation, my take on it was a life story quickly told, from birth to death, and all the disappointments in between.
    If you extend it, bring some of her life highlights into it, to tell how she ended up alone and miserable.
    Very well done,
    Be Happy

    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Potential huh? Well, everything has a way to make it better. Someone told me (and I will never forget) that when you write something, hate it. Just absolutely HATE IT. and when you look over it, there will always be something to improve. Becuase you critisize it right down to the period (so to say) That's my advice, if you want to make it better. But I think its a really good piece. Anyways, good luck.
    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by MorbidAngel114 | [ Reply to This ]
      do nothing to it or i will slap your mouth! lol.

    i always wondered if people would cry for me if i died. gruesome but i thought it was kinda important to me.
    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this a lot. I think it's great. I love the dark lonliness about it. The wording is so pretty. My favorite part is:

    "The winds howled no mourning songs
    The clouds gushed no salted tears
    And if the world noticed, it refused to tell
    When she was simply gone"

    That is an excellant ending. I have nothing negative to say. Great job :-)

    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Giving written by jjd
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Incubus written by monad
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    The Promise written by annie0888
    untitled written by Chelebel
    This written by Chelebel
    To written by SavedDragon
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Bond written by saartha
    Linger written by saartha
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]