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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Simply Gonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: morte
    ASL Info:    17/female/earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 430/348/55
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 699
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 513



    Description:
       The main thing i'm looking for in comments is whether this write has any potential (and what i can do to make it live up to that potential) or whether it's just trash...thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSimply Gonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    She drank from the cup of life
    Wide eyed and innocent
    She watched herself become distorted

    She walked down teeming streets
    Crowded in her isolation
    Feeling claustrophobic

    The trees bore silent witness
    As she began to flicker out
    A dying fire’s final flame

    The winds howled no mourning songs
    The clouds gushed no salted tears
    As if the world noticed, it refused to tell
    When she was simply gone




    Submitted on 2005-06-28 18:36:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      What I don't understand is how this Bi tch remained aflame when all these trees were around and the wind was blowing.

    Kind of convoluted in a poetical license kind of way...even if the majority of it relies on figurative speech. Gives it charm.

    This is your poem and I realize that...duh...but when i read the line before the last, I read And as the word "As"...wanting it to be just so.
    I thought about the meaning of both, and I think As kind of puts a re-emphasis on your original pathos.

    Askin "If" lends energy to either possibility, which belongs to your poem?

    Nice work though,

    MyX
    | Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ]
      well, i have time now...anyways, i thought that this has great potential. i like the metaphors that you use in this, and i think that they can be expanded upon and made into a great piece of work. this is already great as it is, but it could be made extra great. if you are going to add more, let me know, i would like to see how it turns out. great work alex!
    | Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm. well, length doesnt really matter but it could be longer only because it feels like there is more to say. after reading it seemed to me that you could of added a bit more without losing that suspense you gave with your words. its just me but i like words that give out emotions and images. yours gave me images and emotions. had that lonesome gray sad type feel. hard to describe. i loved how you described every little thing. you gave so much detail.

    The trees bore silent witness

    The winds howled no mourning songs

    The clouds gushed no salted tears

    loved those lines. makes the piece more interesting. lovely.

    -soomie
    | Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
      I can't think of how to improve on this, except to make it longer.
    It's an interesting poem, very open to the reader's interpretation, my take on it was a life story quickly told, from birth to death, and all the disappointments in between.
    If you extend it, bring some of her life highlights into it, to tell how she ended up alone and miserable.
    Very well done,
    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Potential huh? Well, everything has a way to make it better. Someone told me (and I will never forget) that when you write something, hate it. Just absolutely HATE IT. and when you look over it, there will always be something to improve. Becuase you critisize it right down to the period (so to say) That's my advice, if you want to make it better. But I think its a really good piece. Anyways, good luck.
    ~Kat
    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by MorbidAngel114 | [ Reply to This ]
      do nothing to it or i will slap your mouth! lol.

    i always wondered if people would cry for me if i died. gruesome but i thought it was kinda important to me.
    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this a lot. I think it's great. I love the dark lonliness about it. The wording is so pretty. My favorite part is:

    "The winds howled no mourning songs
    The clouds gushed no salted tears
    And if the world noticed, it refused to tell
    When she was simply gone"

    That is an excellant ending. I have nothing negative to say. Great job :-)

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
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