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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: When Your Tears Mattereddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Abort_Chaotic
    ASL Info:    19 almost 20
    Elite Ratio:    3.41 - 201/172/50
    Words: 516
    Class/Type: Lyrics/I hate you
    Total Views: 997
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2905



    Description:
       Uhm, some lyrics kind of rushed, but needs to for how I will play it. ;) Yeah, it's not the greatest, trying to get refreshed back to Lyric writing. Whatever, please leave comments.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhen Your Tears Mattereddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Today when I see your wrists and your cuts that disgusts me in this way.
    The way that makes me want to make lacerations across your neck, something about you that
    made me this way.
    Don't ask why, you don't know me, don't judge me, you're rotten, you're a piece of shit to me.
    So try and stop to say you " loved me." Just to be shot down by the dark poem, life...
    When fire bleeds from the skies and you're eyes. I might reconsider, untill then this dark verse is just for
    you.
    Try and escape your nightmare. You're a shame and you know it. You think this is just a mask, something about me you know ofmy past. Let me take it, I'm going to drown it. Too my mind, you've been barely on the plagued edge of the living, I couldn't want to push you off and watch for your last breath to excape your spoiled lips. Are you going to fall on my hope, will you trip of the faultering edge. Escaping my fathomed hate?..
    To the silence of your slaughter, my hand to tighten the nuss of barbed wire. Come on I dare you. Make my day. This crazy place of hate. You think you can't find love, no wonder why, you're fucking mistakes have caughten up with you, about time, I was getting sick of waiting. For this complaining, I'll enjoy your suffocating. Stop teasing with the riddle you wont get it right, your eyes assume love that wont happen. For that alone, you should be burried already.
    Do you not like this hollow place in my chest. It echoes back with every tap. Does it make you proud, cut yourself a heart on your wrist, take it off and wear it on your shoulder. Maybe you can find a lover with simple tastes. The kind that only you can give. I think of you go into a crowd with those scars and that eye liner you adore so much, then I will look at your tombstone which I promised.
    Don't bother to ask why, I wont answer, If I cared you would know. Stop judging me like you knew me. If you did then why the kisses from the blade, why the tears of jelousy, maybe you could've know me without the obsession. Fucking stop, I don't care, you're a rotting in the ground for all I could care. Today tommorow, I wont ever see your face. Stop obsessing, scream in your misery, think I'll hear, think I'll shed even a tear? This heart is hollow, can't you hear the solo pounding of my fist to my chest. Listen carefully.
    Drift of the plauged edge. One thing was right though, you're not wanted and never were, sorry, but it's true. Somewhere you know it, you're assumptions gone wrong, far from change.
    Now rather then shedding those meaningless tears let's get to the finaly of this dark verse. Let's tighten that nuss and let you fall, I'm tired of peering into your decietful eyes.




    Submitted on 2005-06-28 23:42:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You have so much passion and anger combined pent up inside you... I can see this from reading all your other works. The main thing I would try to do is just reword things and format things so they flow better. While reading it some lines almost have a rhythm then there will be a line out of nowhere that throws you off, but this may not be the case if it were formatted.

    -x- Candie
    | Posted on 2006-03-26 00:00:00 | by teenage_dirtbag | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm glad you were able to finish this, after reading only the beginning last night. You are quite passionate, but I knew that already. But your words, it's like you feel so strongly, you can't help but notice that. It didn't seem like song lyrics to me though, it just seemed like you were venting your feelings. Which is good, whatever you want to call this, I liked it. You had some really great lines... this is the best one in my opinion:

    Do you not like this hollow place in my chest. It echoes back with every tap. Does it make you proud, cut yourself a heart on your wrist, take it off and wear it on your shoulder.

    Wow that's great. Hey if you want I can fix all the grammar and spelling for you, cuz I notice stuff like that. I have a suggestion, and you might not like it, but I think you should try to write a really nice, sweet, kinda sappy poem. Something happy and like, lovey. Expand your horizons! I did it and I loved it! So I wish you would do that for me. I know how you feel about love and all that, but I still think you should try it. Keep writing, talk to you soon
    *Jen
    | Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by WaxingPoetic | [ Reply to This ]
      For the first half of this you almost had a rhythm. Break this up, format it so that it fits the beat, it's very hard to give constructive criticisim when you throw everything out in a blob.

    After reading this twice, I gave up on the flow and read it as freeverse. As far as your wording goes, it's good.
    I especially like this sentance;
    "Does it make you proud, cut yourself a heart on your wrist, take it off and wear it on your shoulder."

    Also, what kind of music is this? You don't specify the genre, I guess it helps avoid biased opinions of music, but again you don't have stanzas or anything in this, it's very difficult to read.

    I hope you get your life cleared up and maybe get a little less angry.

    Hopefully,
    Heroes couldn't die this well.
    | Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by bloodwing | [ Reply to This ]


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