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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Eluding Selfdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nebnim
    ASL Info:    21 - Female - My Room
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 284/405/75
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1162
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 562



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Eluding Selfdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A hand extends from the depth of despair
    Longing to be whole again, to be real again
    Feeling like a child when her toys have been broken
    With a smile as fake as plastic surgery
    A smile that all too often hides something fierce
    A former warrior, every battle lost
    Like little fragments of a life not known
    Gone unseen, untouched, unloved
    To the brink where reality is just a game of the mind
    On the precarious edge of a demons cliff
    Waiting, pleading, for just one excuse to keep from breaking




    Submitted on 2005-06-29 17:48:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this piece is tragic in every aspect and that's a compliment, girl.
    loved "former warrior" "little fragments of life" "demons cliff"
    u captured, then defined a time and space of lost direction coupled with the yearning to become strong again=pain

    another cool write


    | Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by childs | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm going to be a bit of a rebel here, but I really like your sparse use of commas. It think it makes the few you have used more powerful, particularly in the line:

    "Gone unseen, untouched, unloved"

    Those commas and repeated "un"s somehow force us to pause for a pregnant moment,

    unseen...

    untouched...

    unloved...

    Obviously, I liked that a lot.

    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Professionally, it's average. Considering your peers--the majority of the other people who frequent and submit to this website--it's excellent. The following changes are primarily grammatical. And, all truth be told, it actually has flow and a story to it, as well as emotion, things that a great deal of submissions seem to lack.

    Line #1
    1.) Change "depth" to "depths".
    2.) Place a comma at te end of the line.
    Old: A hand extends from the depth of despair
    New: A hand extends from the depths of despair,

    Line #2
    1) Change the comma to a semicolon.
    2.) Period at the end of the line.
    Old: Longing to be whole again, to be real again
    New: Longing to be whole again; to be real again.

    Line #3
    1.) Suggestion only. To stick with the rest of the poem and keep it completely sexless, perhaps changing the line to the following suggestion, which still maintains the original theme and flow, would be an improvement?
    2.) Add a comma at the end of the line.
    Current: Feeling like a child when her toys have been broken
    Current grammatically-correct: Feeling like a child when her toys have been broken,
    Suggested: Feeling like a child who's toys have been broken,

    Line #4
    1.) Comment: Though the cliché in this line is admittedly one that isn't commonly used, it's still a cliché. On majority, it's never good to use one.
    2.) Add a period at the end of the line.
    Old: With a smile as fake as plastic surgery
    New: With a smile as fake as plastic surgery.

    Line #5
    1.) Colon at the end of the line.
    Old: A smile that all too often hides something fierce
    New: A smile that all too often hides something fierce:

    Line #6
    1.) Add a comma at the end of the line.
    2.) Suggestion: Add "with" between the comma and "every".
    Old: A former warrior, every battle lost
    New: A former warrior, every battle lost,
    Suggested New: A former warrior, with every battle lost,

    Line #7
    1.) Add a period at the end of the line.
    2.) Suggestion. Change "like" to "as if".
    Old: Like little fragments of a life not known
    New: Like little fragments of a life not known.
    Suggested new: As if little fragments of a life not known.

    Line #8
    1.) Add "and" between the last comma and "unloved".
    Old: Gone unseen, untouched, unloved
    New: Gone unseen, untouched, and unloved

    Line #9
    ~No changes.

    Line #10
    1.) Change "demons" to "demon's" to make it possessive instead of plural.
    Old: On the precarious edge of a demons cliff
    New: On the precarious edge of a demon's cliff

    Line #11
    1.) Add a period at the end of the line.
    Old: Waiting, pleading, for just one excuse to keep from breaking
    New: Waiting, pleading, for just one excuse to keep from breaking.

    Yes, such an in-depth edit may annoy you more than help you, but I only do it for pieces I like and plan on adding to my favs. I have a tendency to just insult and move on for the majority of pieces, as I find them to be completely worthless. Those worth editing are those that have a chance to be something and show talent, even if that talent may be raw, to begin with. A piece can be an unhewn gem, but it's still a gem.

    ~James "Alexian" Neal
    http://www.alexiansaga.com

    | Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by alexianx | [ Reply to This ]
      well this poem is short but good, there are no spelling errors and the flow is there the whole way through, the only thing that is wrong with this poem is that you have no periods and a few commas, you should put more in because then the reader can pause and the full meaning if your words can then sink in, other then that the poem is really good, you have good use of the metaphors, and imagery, i'd have to say that my favorite lines would be

    "A hand extends from the depth of despair
    Longing to be whole again, to be real again
    Feeling like a child when her toys have been broken"

    and i like these because it reminds me when people older then me make my descions(which really pisses me off) and then you just have to just stand there and take it.

    ~liz~
    | Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]
      I believe every write I've read from you has gained my attention and kept it. You are one of my fav artists on the site I have to say...Does that mean I have to stalk you? I'm not familiar with that. I haven't used it yet.

    Nebnim, you did a great job creating the metaphors, made me laugh a bit. I hope you don't end up broken in the end, I'm sure you won't. You are learning more of yourself with every write you do. Those fragments are being put together. like a puzzle.
    Keep it up!

    Brack/mike
    | Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
      You are a beautiful woman and a spectacular poet. I only hope that those are excuses enough to keep you from breaking. The prosaic style here is, well you left me speechless
    I have always felt that there is no need to rhyme as long as you have something interesting to say and if it is done with grace. On both points you have captured me.
    I simply love the whole thing the images the metaphors the beginning to the end all wrap up into a perfect whole. Thank you for sharing your pain, though it seems to be a powerful ally in respect to your writing I hope that it diminishes.

    Remember, Learn & Create
    Terence
    | Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by mcgovern_xiii | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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