Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Rocket Sparks

Author: Astarael
ASL Info:    19/Girl/Baltimore
Elite Ratio:    5.34 - 87 /102 /38
Words: 162
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1048
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1183


This is how i felt this Fourth of July even though i went to the inner harbor to see the fireworks

Rocket Sparks

Kept dormant;
Sitting, waiting
For the 4th of July

When they burst free
Of their cardboard shells
To feel the air
To see the light.

You and I
We sit on the lawn
Inhaling green smoke
From the explosion.

Gunpowder rises.
Feel the rockets' force
Shooting from the grass
One hundred feet in the air.

These artificial stars
These givers of light
Into the summer night;
Sparks in the sky.

Bright colors,
Incandescent hues,
Take my breath away.
Take me away.

I want to burst out
On a rocket;
Bright green rocket
Fly me to the moon.

I want to see the sky too,
To feel the wind
And the stars
Light up the night.

Break out of my case,
Explode in the air,
Shatter to pieces
Of shimmering dust.

Let's turn our bodies
Into ephemeral sparks
And glow
Magnesium and copper.

You and I
We illuminate the sky.

Submitted on 2005-06-29 22:25:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  A thoughtful plea for liberation (on the Fourth of July, no less) played against the limitless expanse of the night sky (as if children were pretending to be skyrockets as they danced in an open field). This was a very innocent write with a simple vocabulary, style and layout (in keeping with theme). I wouldn't change anything. Nicely done. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  I noticed that you never capitalized "I." hmmm....

I honestly thought this was a little choppy, like I had some trouble getting into a rhythm. Whenever I read a poem for the first time, it's like I'm trying to find the rhythm more than reading it.

But I did like it. I think this is something sort of different for you, more minimalist than usual.

It reminds me of thise 4th of July that I spent at the beach a few years ago. :)

love, danielle
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by Kalidoscopeeyes | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?