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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Once Or Twicedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: chalky
    Elite Ratio:    4.17 - 43/57/23
    Words: 247
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 169
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1609



    Description:
       feedback? whatever you'd like to say. this was written when i met a person while working at a resort in lake louise...well it was after i left and really missed that friend that i wrote it. enjoy


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOnce Or Twicedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Once or twice you and i would walk,
    Talk of things that came to mind,
    Talk of better days and the likes,
    But that's once upon a time.

    I know you will stay the same.
    A constant,
    Playing out your games,
    While I drift through everyday,
    Just to hide my life away.

    Once or twice we laid upon
    The beach in my dreams and your worldly schemes,
    We tossed around some uncouth thoughts,
    This moment was ours, our little routine.

    May we never forget what we have,
    Though it's far from complete and a running task,
    You'll tell me all about it,
    I know i would never have to ask.

    Once or twice we came up laughing,
    Kicking the waves back to the shore.
    We were running, dancing, fighting,
    Creating life that we adore.

    Now it's time to add the stars,
    To the wonderful world of 'anything goes,'
    Complete with our words and our guitars,
    This is happiness some cannot know.

    Telling the perfect story,
    Seems hard enough to do.
    But it somehow came so naturally,
    During times well spent with you.

    These Non-existant memoires of silence,
    Block the road to nowheresville.
    Scary did it seem to trust?
    Maybe it was all a dream to us.

    I remember when i would try to be clever,
    In hopes you and I would be friends forever.
    How sweet the sound of peace.
    In time shall it never cease.




    Submitted on 2005-06-29 22:26:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Seems to me you made a great friend and that is something to be cherished. A true friend is worth more than gold ya know.From what you described in this poem this may well be an experience that you will always remember and maybe persue further at a later date. Anyway I enjoyed reading your poem and I think it is a good write.
    !Doc`
    | Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      You've got a strong sense of rhythm, so you can pull off rhyme without a strict meter, which is unusual.
    If I were writing this, it would be more image-heavy and oblique, but what you have pulls me in anyway, likely because it's honest.
    Many phrases are too vague and bland (don't go parsing through the thesaurus, because that could ruin it) like "the likes," "though it's far from complete and a running task," "Creating life." Keep the diction simple, but choose words with more specific meanings. For example, "creating" could be replaced with a word like forging, or another word that implies how lasting the good times were, or how important they seemed at the time.
    Verse 8 is a disappointing break from the rest. "Non-existant memoires of silence." Did you pick that up from the darkbrokenangelfadingpoets around here? If something isn't there, it isn't there. It could leave a hole, in which case the best thing would be to talk about the hole. Hyphenated latinized words like non-existant have little place in poetry. Did you write memoires? If they're written, of course they're silent. It sounds like you had a fun time with your friend while it lasted, so the memoires wouldn't be about silence, anyway. This line, if it belongs anywhere, belongs in a poem describing someone's haunting and tragic past.
    "I remember when i would try to be clever"
    I'm curious about this, and you might do well to elaborate or hint at it earlier. It sounds like you considered your friend to be smarter than you, tying in to the last few lines of verse 2 when you imply your friend is better adjusted to life. This could be a strong theme. I haven't seen it around before-everyone else is probably too egotistical to admit comparing themselves to others-and would be great in another poem, if you're done with this one.
    | Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by Rokhal | [ Reply to This ]



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