I gave you my love, with a lacey trim around the edges
You gave me a switchblade to my heart.
The fancy handle glinting off of the dim light
That manages to escape from your eyes.
With a tug and one final twist,
You smeared my feelings, and covered them with your hatred.
In one quick sweep, you drowned me out of your life,
Into that place where my tears burn
And leave a pathway of destruction to myself.
Your eyes reflect the death that is found in your heart;
A black hole that will never escape itself
And the bludgeoning that you reap on love,
Convulsing, thick darkness spreads to every tip of your being,
Pulses through each opening,
And leaves behind a fury of thick poison
That chokes out all you are afraid of.
I long for the time that someone finds me,
Pulls me out of this canyon that you have exiled me to,
And shows me how it feels to be dreamed about,
Cried over, and wished upon.
And loves me, with a lacey trim around the edges,
That will never fade or fall away.
| Goodness! Such deep feeling expressed with beaucoup imagery! However, the language is a bit awkward. Please step out of your feelings sufficiently to improve the language. Askew's ideas would improve it. However, in S2, I would substitute something like "deadness" for "death", and I like "black hole", though I think the metaphor doesn't work with "escape itself". A black hole is an object so dense, even light cannot escape. I think that concept in verse would work better.|
L3: "Reap on love"? Did you mean "heap" or wreak"? This entire 2nd. stanza seems too vituperative. It needs more compassion for one who can't accept love.
Please rework the poem. It is good, and I know you could take this wonderful beginning, and make it soar.
|| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ] || Dark, but wonderful! I thoroughly enjoyed it. Great metaphor, interesting viewpoint, and some wonderful phrases, "lacey trim around the edges", "pathway of destruction to myself". I think the third stanza is my favorite. From out of the darkness it shines a ray of hope. Best line for me: |
"And shows me how it feels to be dreamed about / cried over, and wished upon".
Those are some fantastic words.
Suggestions (feel free to discard): S1-L1: I don't think you need the (a) before "lacey". L3: I think you can do without "off of". L6: To keep the metaphor going change "smeared" to "carved" and "covered" to "painted". L7 "sweep" to "slashed" and "drowned" to "bled".
S2 - L1 "death in your heart" sounds as if they died. Try "blackness" in place of "death" and in L2 make it a "death hole".
S3 - L5 Again the "a" is not necessary.
Wonderful writing, great use of language, great metaphors, lots of emotion, a brilliant piece of work. I loved it!
|| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] |