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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The KISS dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SHRINKSDR
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 476/375/39
    Words: 263
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1457
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1918



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe KISS dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The kiss

    They've been apart for so long!
    Together now,
    A wish, a fantasy
    Come true.

    She stands before his eyes.
    Angel face!
    Prettyface!
    A face that seems to incompass
    So much
    Warmth, life, energy, character.

    So close.
    Her scent intoxicating.

    He feels the rush.

    He is a freight train,
    Barreling down a mountainside,
    Trying to grip the rails
    Stay grounded.

    Brakes are slammed!
    Too precious a moment for
    An out of control
    Locomotive!

    He bridles in
    His racing heart.

    He cocks his head,
    Leans forward.
    She retreats slightly,
    Furtively.
    He slowly pursues.

    Contact!

    He gently brushes
    Her soft, tender, Lips.
    So full,
    So moist,
    Like billowy cumulus clouds,
    The feel of which
    Is dizzying, disorienting.

    His tongue briefly parts her lips,
    sliding from side to side;
    gently, tenderly, teasingly.

    He follows with several
    Short, soft, almost sucking kisses
    to fully savor the sweet softness
    Of her mouth and lips.

    He reluctantly leaves those
    Psychedelic rose petals,
    To gently nuzzle her
    Nose with his.

    He gently kisses each lovely
    Feathered window to her soul.
    Hoping to touch that soul.

    She feels his heaving,
    Heavy breathing as
    He tenderly, adoringly, brushes
    Her hair aside.

    Her half-closed,
    passion filled eyes
    Shine, as they
    Look into his,
    As she utters
    The words that
    Flutter his heart:

    I love you!






    Submitted on 2005-06-30 09:49:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The long awaited kiss; the expectation, the yearning, the passion, the climax- it's all here.

    I love the part about the freight train, and having to bridle the passion...
    and the urgent, yet delicate description of each moment, each move.

    I can't imagine a kiss being written more sweetly about, than this.

    Just breathtaking.

    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      a lovely sensual write,i was taken to my sweetheart immediately (she lives far away:( ),and was with her kissing her as i read through.perfect portrayal of a passion kiss.Most will relate to this because of the great picture it paints and those that havent experienced it yet have been given a great insight as to what lies ahead :)
    graham
    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by gd66uk | [ Reply to This ]
      im really new at this so please forgive me if this sounds funny...i enjoyed this piece alot, it goes with the flow... at first it seems like well their just kissing and all of a sudden their making love. its such sweet romance.
    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by spanishvampress | [ Reply to This ]
      Oooooh! Well I gotta tell ya, I read part one and I read part two...part one very sweet...part two very sexy! I have to admit I like part two better! Wow...was that a lovely kiss! So well written, I could feel it! So passionate and deliciously descriptive! I love how you begin this write, building up the moment as he has waited so long and her intoxicating scent and then a truly romantic kiss! Absolutely a brilliant sensual poem! Wonderful read Steve! Take care!
    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmm...a big change from the first one...Made me think you were still talking about the kid...I assume you arent...cuz...that would be...weird, to say the least...Oh well. I liked it though. :)

    ->Dark
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]
      hey...i read it with the changes, and it sounds better now. i feel kinda cool that someone took a suggestion of mine. haha! :-) good job again man, i really love this poem!
    | Posted on 2005-07-16 00:00:00 | by xvacantxskiesx | [ Reply to This ]
      i thought i'd read kiss 1 and kiss 2 after you commented on my kissing poem. i was pleasantly surprised at the emotions i felt while i was reading both 1 and 2. the first one surprised me at the end when we found out it was a dad and a daughter...i was under the impression it was 2 lovers. i could actually see and hear the interaction between the two people though, and that was really refreshing because a lot of the time i'll read a poem and realize i couldnt picture it or anything.

    as for kiss 2. wow! you clearly put a lot of passion into this. i really enjoyed it. my heartbeat definitely sped up as i read on because i felt like i was in the situation and i could practically feel the lips and the love coming through them. amazing job with that. the only criticism i have is that on this part...
    "Her lips retreat slightly
    Furtively,
    His lips slowly pursue

    Contact!

    His lips gently brush
    Her soft, tender, Lips" ...the word lips begins to get a bit redundant. not a huge problem or anything, and i know theres not exactly a synonym for lips to use in place of it, but it was just a little repetitive. but thats the only thing i found that i disliked even a little. very good job steve! and by the way, thank you so much for commenting on my poems!
    | Posted on 2005-07-15 00:00:00 | by xvacantxskiesx | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Steve. I went back and read #1 again before this.
    The two pieces really complement each other well, even the similar endings are both excellent.
    This is eroticism done well. Amazing how you can simply describe something, yet as one reads it on paper, it takes on a different feel.

    The only criticism I have is purely personal. In both poems you used the word "nuzzle" which I can't read without picturing a horse. lol. True, that's what I mean, I don't expect you to change it.

    A nice pair of poems. Here's an idea: Kiss #3

    Describing the "air-kiss" of two society women or movie starlets when they meet. Get into their real feelings of [censored]y hate and envy hidden beneath the outer sham of physical contact and love.

    Just an idea.

    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well... in all honesty, I would never normally take the time to read such a poem. It is not as if I have a problem with love and/or affection, I just hate how OTHER people describe it. Every persons experiences are so different from the next persons when it comes to love/lust/etc. and so it always seems that a poet will unknowingly put a barrier between the reader and the poem. Although I must admit that I, at times, will write a poem that may only speak to myself and perhaps another soul. I do not however post such poems (unless ofcourse the structure, flow, essence, etc of the poem is universally appreciated because it is SO DAMN GOOD) to be set on the chopping board.

    Also another one of my pet poem peeves is that it feels as though such poems are so overdone that I dread stumbling apon the next. But yours... yours was refreshing to say the least. (unlike this cranberry juice I am forced to drink in order to cure myself)

    You left a certain taste of wonder in your words which gives the reader a chance to incorprate his or her own life/love experiences with your pulchritudinous flow of words. This allows for the reader to have a deeper connection with your peice and there for, more than likely enjoy it so.

    The only thing that I would change would be the length... but that is only because I am lazy.. :P

    I enjoyed this poem almost as much as I enjoyed comenting on it ;) Keep up the good work!

    ps. who said that I never read any of your poems? I just tend to only comment often on 2 types of poems:

    1. those which are EXTREMELY bad and only have comments drowning in lies and false praise which I feel the need to correct.... not in a vicious, malice way but rather a sensitive, sometimes humourous way which is packed solid with RedStarr's infamous suggestions and ideas to better the piece. (mind you these comments are not ALWAYS accepted by the poet in such mindset)
    2. Those of which I am DEEPLY connected to. Such peices that while reading them, I feel as though a part of me has actually written it myself. Poems and prose so full of raw human emotion and ideas in which I have the uttmost relation to. These are poems in which I not only read but feel. These are commented on in praise and minor criticism.

    Fortunately, your poems do not fit into category #1 but unfortunately, this is the only poem of yours that fits into my category #2. This does not mean that your work is anything less of pure skill, but it means that I have minor connection to them and therefor my comments would be pratically meaningless.

    I hope you enjoyed my hour long babble here.... just remember, I adore this poem and give you my respect as a writer.

    PPS..... I realize that I have made some spelling errors in this comment as well as I realize that some may veiw this as a hint at my ill-educated skills. Well this is not true... I just have some minor spelling difficulties and am too lazy (yet again) to correct such mistakes.
    | Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by Redstarr | [ Reply to This ]
      who knew someone could describe a kiss so delicately and passionately? its beautiful. You take the reader to the scene, you can see it happen. it's wonderful.
    | Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by fabulousAMY | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this one a lot too, Steve. To me, erotic stuff is really hard to write and you've done a great job.

    You've got some original stuff here too.

    "Her soft, tender, Lips
    So full
    Like billowy cumulus clouds"

    "He reluctantly leaves those
    Psychedelic making rose petals
    To gently nuzzle her
    nose with his."

    Unusual words that really work for me.

    There are a couple of spelling problems to fix.
    Locomotive
    Pursue

    Great job!

    Steve

    | Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, I agreed with Chell on this one. Nice sequel. It was hard for me to believe that it was a mature relationship because I was still thinking about the daughther from Kiss 1. This sequel was good, it portrayed good imagery, and was fun to read. But I liked the 1st one better. Good job though.
    ~Kriss
    | Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by juss_kriss | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice sequel. This time I was hesitant to go into believing it was a mature love, as I still had the daughter in mind. I like this as a set. The only small suggestion I might make is hyphenating half-closed eyes. It workes either way though.
    Thanks for the new reads, Steve!
    You're doing great!
    -Chell-
    | Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      'His lips gently brush
    Her soft, tender, moist
    Lips - so full
    Like billowy cumulus clouds
    The feel of which
    Is dizzying, disorienting

    A sudden intake, a rush,
    A torrent of Air
    Itís releases in a long sigh

    His tongue gently
    Slides in between her lips
    goes no deeper
    briefly side to side berfore
    Withdrawing

    He reluctantly leaves that
    Psychedelic making orifice
    To gently nuzzle her
    Cheeks and nose with his.'

    its so different.
    i think thats why alot of people dont really like it.
    but its good.
    the imaginary is just great.
    its so true. you could feel the passion and love between the two people.

    i read the other one. and i agree with the last comment. it doesnt have as much imaginary. but i think maybe it was good for it because its shorter and more like an intro to this one.

    i ejoyed both of them. very well written.
    great job-
    jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      Strange but nice
    He cocks his head
    Moves forward
    Her lips retreat slightly
    Furtively,
    His lips slowly follow

    Contact!

    His lips gently brush
    Her soft, tender, moist
    And lips so full
    Like billowy cumulus clouds
    The feel of which
    Is dizzying, disorienting

    A sudden intake, a rush
    A torrent of Air
    Itís release in a long sigh

    His tongue gently
    Slides in between her lips
    goes no deeper
    briefly side to side berfore
    Withdrawing
    I love this action sequences keep up the good work peace & stay safe...
    | Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
      this is gripping passionate, yet not that explicit (which totally works for da poem) kick ass good stuff!The mood that you created had me hooked-the urgency was felt. . .really awesome especially the use of short phrases and the 1lined stanza's! damn gota say again: this is goooood!

    Keep spreading the love
    Nadia*
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by AfricanPrincess | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Steve,
    This was great, even better the second time through. You have an interesting style and I don't have any suggestions as to how to improve this.

    What more does it need...it makes me want to go upstairs and kiss my wife instead of working on my stupid computer.

    Donn
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    12. Does it feel original?



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