WHO DO I TURN TO? by OrangeWithWhite

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Submission Name: WHO DO I TURN TO? dots

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Author:	OrangeWithWhite
ASL Info:	22/m/Buf NY
Elite Ratio:	4.62 - 41/48/11
Words:	280

Class/Type:	Poetry/Cutting or Mutilation
Total Views:	454
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1595

Description:
This poem is my pride and joy. It's my favorite, and i wrote it on June 27,2005 at 11:42PM...yeah this is real to me, but it's why i write, so i don't cut. thanks again to everyoen for everything :-D :-D i'ts been 6 months since have cut thogh, so i am doing great.

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WHO DO I TURN TO? dots

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And who do I turn to
when I feel this way
I don’t want to scare anyone
don’t want attention for this
don’t want you to feel bad for me, your pity, or your sympathy
don’t even want myself to bleed
I take full blame and responsibility
and constantly wonder how it has come to this
people tell me I can’t expect anyone to care for me
if I don’t care for myself first
But my question is,
How can I care for myself if no one else does?
I know I have friends, and they are greatly appreciated
but I still keep telling myself I don’t fit in
so here I sit outside with my CD player
And the most important piece of paper to me
(for it has saved my life many times)
wondering who can I turn to?
I can’t let the guys see me like this,
As I look at the blue pen on my wrist
I wonder again how this can be sane
I cry for help, but no one sees my tears
The water is the only liquid coming out of me today,
But no release is like a bright red scream*
Am I such a baby I need to be watched 24/7
How am I going to be a stay at home dad,
When I can’t even spend one hour alone?
And “I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow… tomorrow…
And I don’t know what to say,
Tomorrow… Tomorrow… is a different day,
Tomorrow it may change”.**

*A Bright Red Scream - self-mutilation and the language of pain
by, Marilee Strong

**Tomorrow, by Avirl Lavigne

Submitted on 2005-06-30 16:54:45 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  thanks for the comment... yes i was talking to myself, inside my head. i was actually listing to "tomamrow" over and over again. i jsut got back from an hour long walk... all listioning to that song. sat oustside my building on at at table and jsut started writing. i used to write on my wrist with my pen all the time when i stoped cutting. just feeling something run across it felt so good, and seeing it later on made me remeber what i was trying to stop. thanks for the comments they are greatly appricated
| Posted on 2006-09-30 00:00:00 | by OrangeWithWhite | [ Reply to This ]
  okeis you asked for this one to be critique it will be my honor to do so.

"And who do I turn to
when I feel this way
I don’t want to scare anyone
don’t want attention for this
don’t want you to feel bad for me, your pity, or your sympathy
don’t even want myself to bleed
I take full blame and responsibility
and constantly wonder how it has come to this
people tell me I can’t expect anyone to care for me
if I don’t care for myself first"

What i think you should have done was break it up into stanzas for the read to go a bit faster but i digress lets disect and see what i can get out of this.

Who do you turn to? that part i love. that went through my mind the night i tried to kill myself. i was scared to turn to someone i was scared to see there look of shock and disgust on there face...so who did i turn to? no one. i was alone with my own mistake. i didnt want the sympathy from my friends the pity i cant stand. i didnt want to be alone but i was.
Beautiful introduction it drew my intrest very much so.

"But my question is,
How can I care for myself if no one else does?
I know I have friends, and they are greatly appreciated
but I still keep telling myself I don’t fit in
so here I sit outside with my CD player
And the most important piece of paper to me
(for it has saved my life many times)
wondering who can I turn to?
I can’t let the guys see me like this,
As I look at the blue pen on my wrist
I wonder again how this can be sane
I cry for help, but no one sees my tears"

it seems as if im talking to myself. my CD player and my (oh god im dead im supose to be in bed cause im sick and my aunt just got home) anyway lets see if i can continue to finish my thought. sorry for digressing.
What is sad this same thing has run through my mind. how can i save those i love when i cannot save myself? i could not i needed to stop but truly did i want to? You have friends who wish to help who die a little when they see your pain so you hide it all the more.

"The water is the only liquid coming out of me today,
But no release is like a bright red scream*
Am I such a baby I need to be watched 24/7
How am I going to be a stay at home dad,
When I can’t even spend one hour alone?
And “I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow… tomorrow…
And I don’t know what to say,
Tomorrow… Tomorrow… is a different day,
Tomorrow it may change”.**"

i know what you mean also about the watching. they took everything from me my freedom im not aloud around razors anymore no matter how much progress i have made. but the ending....im in love with this piece. its amazing and im sad that i know what you are going through but that should help our friendship bc we both know what it is like....we both know about that side of our lives. i have to go getting kicked off to bed love you my dear friend. stay safe and thank you.

all the love
nikki

*kisses*

| Posted on 2006-09-30 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
  thanks so much for telling me to read this.. this is exactly how i feel right now... So much bull s hit is going right now with my life.. and i'm hiding all the pain with smiles becuase i don't want no one to feel sorry for me.. i don't want anyone to feel that they need to comfort me.. i don't want anyone to waste there times.. its like "why do i care?" thanks so much...
i liked this poem... i'm gonna put it up as a fav...

kay
| Posted on 2006-09-28 00:00:00 | by Kay | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow this is such a detailed account, and I can relate to it entirely. The main reason I started writing poetry myself was to try and make sense of all the crazy thoughts flooding my head, and I wrote a couple of poems about depression. (you can find them on my page if you want to read-3 that I can think of are-'Depression' , 'Existance' , and 'Black and Blue')

Such a great write, and I'm adding it to my faves =]

x poetic harmony x
| Posted on 2006-09-26 00:00:00 | by Poétic Harmonie | [ Reply to This ]
  I really really like it. I love the ending...how it ends with that little glimmer of hope! I think you did a great job and changing anything would take away from it. where were you going to post it?
| Posted on 2006-09-25 00:00:00 | by MyKemicalfailur | [ Reply to This ]
  excellant job. as i sit here trying to express how it is i will go about explaining how excellant this is, i am at a loss for words. i love it. i can totally relate to this as many others. and you ask a good question..How can I care for myself if no one else does? that very question has ran through my head many times. and i'm sure many other people reading this have the very same question. although i'm sure there's at least a couple people out there that care for you and that care for me i can't help but still ask the question...does that make me a bad person? and now i'm going to do something i don't want to do but feel necessary to do because i could feel your pain and your struggle, like your drowning in these thoughts, and writing them down is the only way you can possibly keep breathing. you should find someone, i've found that girls are often more understanding than guys in this department (no offense guys just like to seem tough), but just find someone, anyone that you can just express yourself to, someone that will listen not just sit there and joke about it or something, because joking about it never helps. now i understand if your reading this and all you can think is "[censored] YOU LIKE YOU KNOW" because that's how i feel when people say this stuff to me as well, but its good advice, its started to help me. but just make sure you find the right person. anyway i don't really know what to say about your writing other than its amazing and i'm adding it to my favorites. this is really good. fantastic job. you should be very proud.
well i'm rambling, haha have fun reading this.
~nickie.
| Posted on 2006-09-25 00:00:00 | by LossOfHope03 | [ Reply to This ]
  people tell me I can’t expect anyone to care for me
if I don’t care for myself first
But my question is,
How can I care for myself if no one else does?
I know I have friends, and they are greatly appreciated
but I still keep telling myself I don’t fit in

I think I can relate to this part the most. and I'm sure many other people can too. This hit home for me..it's full of emotion and so sad. I think you did a pretty good job on this..writing down exactly how it feels..especially in the begining. the whole thing is just..wow. It's like..you couldn't have gotten any closer with describing how it feels. nice job!
| Posted on 2005-07-07 00:00:00 | by MyKemicalfailur | [ Reply to This ]
  people tell me I can’t expect anyone to care for me
if I don’t care for myself first
But my question is,
How can I care for myself if no one else does?
I know I have friends, and they are greatly appreciated
but I still keep telling myself I don’t fit in

I think I can relate to this part the most. and I'm sure many other people can too. This hit home for me..it's full of emotion and so sad. I think you did a pretty good job on this..writing down exactly how it feels..especially in the begining. the whole thing is just..wow. It's like..you couldn't have gotten any closer with describing how it feels. nice job!
| Posted on 2005-07-07 00:00:00 | by MyKemicalfailur | [ Reply to This ]
  people tell me I can’t expect anyone to care for me
if I don’t care for myself first
But my question is,
How can I care for myself if no one else does?
I know I have friends, and they are greatly appreciated
but I still keep telling myself I don’t fit in

I think I can relate to this part the most. and I'm sure many other people can too. This hit home for me..it's full of emotion and so sad. I think you did a pretty good job on this..writing down exactly how it feels..especially in the begining. the whole thing is just..wow. It's like..you couldn't have gotten any closer with describing how it feels. nice job!
| Posted on 2005-07-07 00:00:00 | by MyKemicalfailur | [ Reply to This ]
  Nicely written! Very, very expressive! Alot of emotiom went into this poem as I can see. You did a VEY good job on expressing and getting his through, good job and am going to read the other poems written by you keep me posted peace & stay safe...
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow this was great. So far it seems like many people can relate to it, and I'm one of them.
"I know I have friends, and they are greatly appreciated
but I still keep telling myself I don’t fit in
so here I sit outside with my CD player"
That's the part I can relate with the most. Though I do have friends, I've never fit in with any of them, and all I ever do is listen to music and write poetry.
I loved how you put in part of Avril Lavignes' song at the end. It just made a good finish.
Great job, keep it up.
~Kriss
| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by juss_kriss | [ Reply to This ]
  There's so much emotion... so much pain. I can't even describe how it made me feel. I know there are people going through that, but it's not always easy to write about it. You expressed yourself so well. Besides that I don't even know what to say... except for awesome job. I'm going to add this to my favorites.
| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by confusing myslf | [ Reply to This ]
  hey...this was great. I know how it feels to be like that. I mean just because i'm the youngest in my family, and all that... they still treat me like i'm 7 years old. My parents tey to watch me 24/7. YOu asked for feedback... and i'm giving you feed back. this is awsome. By the way welcome.
Kay
| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by Kay | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow that was really good it flowed so well.
I just want to know if this is real to you i would like to help and i care, see i was a junkie for so long and this is an addiction too. if you ever want to talk please contact me at suzieq4024@ hotmail.com K?
| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by suzanne | [ Reply to This ]

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