Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Enlightenment


Author: OrangeWithWhite
ASL Info:    27/m/Buf NY
Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 41 /48 /11
Words: 234
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1098
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1502



Description:


Let me konw what you think of it,
Power_2_the_peaceful@yahoo.com
OrangeWithWhite AIM


Enlightenment



Having a blast with my dad.
a nice summer day with no school,
playing outside with my few neighbors,
house and tag were always my favorite.
come to find out it was just being around them.

My dad is now always mad.
Cutting fist came into effect.
playing magic at the lunch tables.
basketball camp / playing in my driveway all day long.
just playing games with my neighbors before they moved away.

Accounting class with Duffy (my newest friend).
the whole day to listen to music,
while cutting a little more often.
soccer and track knowing they were not my friends,
every night thinking about putting this life to an end.

Freedom from the parents.
starting off the era being "popular".
liking a girl that would never fall for me.
cutting now a daily ritual,
and the only reason I have not put my life to an end.

Done with the core classes, on with accounting,
assigning more work than any student could ever do.
bi-yearly weekend visit with the parents.
dating a girl who has no time for me.
cutting has been traded for faith.

God had all of this in his plans.
Now the only studying is for the test,
that will grant me what I once didn’t want.
But, through His sacrifice and endless love,
He has turned this skeptic into a faithful believer.




Submitted on 2005-06-30 17:42:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Criticisms: the last stanza has powerful meaning,certainly. but you might have deflated the tension a little. what i mean is, "endless love" has ben written before. "turning the skeptic into a believer" has been done before, know what i mean? the meaning is there, but it would be better if you rewrote this and showed exactly why this character is faithful now.

Praises: SINCERITY. This is the first thing I look for in a person, not just an artist. This poem screams sincerity, which I really dig. Specifically, I liked "cutting has been traded for faith." Sweet line. I also liked the part about moving to college and falling for a girl that wouldn't go out with you. Very very relatable to every guy who reads this. The poem is APPLICABLE and therefore, meaningful.

Good, very good.

Art Lives!
T.J.
| Posted on 2006-09-22 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
  Cute
Accounting class with Duffy (my newest friend).
the whole day to listen to music,
while cutting a little more often.
soccer and track knowing they were not my friends,
every night thinking about putting this life to an end.

Freedom from the parents.
starting off the era being "popular".
liking a girl that would never fall for me.
cutting now a daily ritual,
and the only reason I have not put my life to an end.
I like these stanza's keep up the good work peace & stay safe...
| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
  it goes

elm-street school

middle school

highschool

Frist 2 years of college

3rd year of colelge

my whole life


that's how i set it up stanza wise


Duffy is the nick name for my teacher Mrs. Dufore
| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by OrangeWithWhite | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow.That was great.A lot of people write about this sort of stuff,like cutting,problems with their life but this seemed orignal the way you worded it.And the ending where things are fixed and you have found your faith was great.The only problem I found was in the beginning where you said" My dad is now always mad" I think the words could be flipped aroudn to sound better .And also "just chilling with my neighbors" chilling could definately be changed to a more descriptive word but other than that it was perfect.
| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by ColdinSummer | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



64895