Though my feelings often hide,
I think it's time you looked inside
stop pushing my feelings aside
and let me reside in my wake.
You're always pushing me away,
Did you ever think I'm not okay?
Did you ever wonder why I act this way?
Your voice is like a song,
every time you speak, it comes along
I can't believe I've waited so long
to tell you how I feel.
I beg for attention,
Though you don't listen
And I try to hide
as my tears glisten
And though it looks like there is someone else,
I am really by myself
im really all alone
and I feel the pain
right to my bones
I would give anything
to keep you by my side
Hell, I would give my wildest dreams
do have you by my side
And if you ever leave me,
don't decieve me
believe me when i say,
I love you.
| I really like the heartfelt sentiment that comes through here. That's a lot of pain and passion in your writing. You've done a great job of communicating your feelings.|
On the flip side, I'm a little bothered by the structure. You began the poem with a set structure and a lot of rhymes and then you varied that structure as you went. That caused me start and stop a lot and really broke up your flow. I think I might consider rewriting this as free verse and dumping the rhymes altogether.
Whatever you do, though, don't lose that emotional connection.
|| Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ] || Well, now I'm curious as to how "he" replied to such heartfelt words. I like the rhyme in this one. And hopefully when read, he took it as you hoped. I too, find it a bit easier to express myself in written words. Keep writing.. and take care,|
|| Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ] || hi good poem i like the rhyme and the feelings and emotions you put in this poem are awsome i hope the letter turns out for the best||| Posted on 2005-07-01 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ] || it really shows that you put your emotions into this poem. i would put the poem into stanzas, just to help the phrasing. otherwise, good job.||| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by confusing myslf | [ Reply to This ] || i can really feel the emotion in this poem, i think it is really good and flows well too,|
one bad comment
"Hell, I would give my wildest dreams
do have you by my side"
it should be to have you by my side right?
great poem though
|| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by OrangeWithWhite | [ Reply to This ] |