Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Eyes


Author: peoplekityo
Elite Ratio:    2.61 - 9 /10 /2
Words: 149
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 743
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 947



Description:


I wrote this one day thinking about this man named Ian. This is when I realized that he means the world to me, and more than that.


Eyes



Cerulean eyes
They gaze into mine
Filled with longing for what he believes is not there,
But it is.
Cerulean eyes
Filled with an emotion I cannot describe
Holding my gaze for longer than nessesary,
But not long enough.
Cerulean eyes,
That are trying to say something,
But is it the words I wish to hear?
The words i have waited for for so long?
Cerulean eyes
The ones I have learned to love so much
Carry no hatred
Only sorrow
Ceurlean eyes
Pouring tears I wish to wipe away
with a finger, touch his lips and say
your mine.
Cerulean eyes
The ones belonging to the one who I love
More than life itself
Though he may never know it.
Cerulean eyes,
Eyes that carry only a few words,
Like a whisper in the wind, or a tear on a cheek,
I love you, and always will.




Submitted on 2005-07-01 11:02:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  This was really good. Your repeated us of "Cerulean eyes" really leads us into the haunting, fixing quality of your lover's eyes. Very effective!

A couple of nitpicky typoes:
Nessesary should be necessary
Ceurlean (in one place) should be Cerulean.

One other thing to consider. Cerulean is not a common word, at least I had to look it up. I certainly wouldn't change it, as it gives your poem distinction and a lot of power. It might be possible, though, to get another more common word in early though, explaining what cerulean means. ie.

"Cerulean eyes
The color of sky, they gaze into mine
Filled with longing for what he believes is not there,"

Just an idea,

Steve
| Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah, to get lost in his eyes. I've been there
I enjoyed reading this. Maybe the title should be Cerulean Eyes. You expressed your thoughts well and had me "feeling it" as I read along.
Take care,
~ Sandra
| Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  hi its a good poem i like the repition of "cerulean eyes" it gives the poem sort of a hook i guess i can relate thx fer the crituque of love and lose
| Posted on 2005-07-01 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



64983