Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Love’s Timeless Torture


Author: LucyDiamond
ASL Info:    17/F/Sky
Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 365 /575 /251
Words: 121
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1108
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 852



Description:


Torture. A never-ending battle that always finds it's way to my door...And I keep on opening it. Who could turn away such a lovely love, my


Love’s Timeless Torture



Enveloped in imagined embrace
Floating in timeless longing
I am with you and without you
Love’s name, as on wasted leaves I walk
Has been forsaken and cracked

A word lacking of what definition
A diversion from the abstracted truth
Dancing with unattainable dreams
I have been awakened and to live
Dawn-to-dark, complete with only slumber

Again, the approximation of Love
Tugs on the strings of my heart
Left behind as it becomes a myth
For the gullible and Cupid-shot
I can no longer glimpse either, but see all

Adrift and consumed, to only find
Myself, only entranced with you
You, only the outline of a faceless soul
Until tomorrow’s unending tomorrow
Crossing Alpha’s Eternity, I wait.




Submitted on 2005-07-01 19:56:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Ah, lets see if I can post comments now... if I can, I'll write a full comment.

asdfasdfasdfsadfas dfasdf asdfasd fasdfasdfsadfasdfa sdfasdfasdfasdfasdfs adfa sdfasdfasdfasdfasdfa sdfsadfasdfasdfasdfa sdfasdfas dfsadfasdfasdfasdfa sdfasdfasdfsadfasdfa sdfasdfas dfasdfas dfsadfasdfasdfasdf asdfasdf asdfsadfas dfasd fasdfasdfasdfasdf sadfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfas dfsadfasdfasdfasdfas dfasdfasdfsadfasdfasdfasdf

(this is just for testing)
-Ari
| Posted on 2005-07-15 00:00:00 | by Ari Leukos | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. Your poems are getting better and better. . . and better. . . and better. . . you get the point. This one had me entranced. . . But there were a few snags. First off, your vocabulary is great, but sometimes you go so overboard that you fly up and over the horizon. . . where no one can see you. Lol, that wasn't explaining it very well. What I means was that sometimes your words are so big and mixed that it's all jumbled up, and I have to reread the line to understand it. And there's snag number two- Some of the lines, even if I DID reread it a few times, the meaning still didn't hit me.

Enveloped in imagined embrace
Floating in timeless longing
I am with you and without you
Love’s name, as on wasted leaves I walk
Has been forsaken and cracked

9, 7, 8, 9, 7. I suggest that you change 'I am with you and without you' to 'I am withIN you YET without you'. It makes a big more of an impact. The metaphor about the leaves was B E A U T I F U L! But maybe you could turn 'floating' to 'streched' or 'falling'. I dunno, it might give more to the theme to the poem. Whichever way you look at it.

A word lacking of what definition
A diversion from the abstracted truth
Dancing with unattainable dreams
I have been awakened and to live
Dawn-to-dark, complete with only slumber

10, 10, 9, 9, 10. If I haven't mentioned it yet, I like the way you used the 5-line format thingy instead of standard 4 line, 1232 format. It gives it a new twist, and tends to be halting [but in a cool kind of way ]. But this is where you started to lose the thinking part of my mind, as it was struggling to grasp the meaning of your words. . . Here, let me show you.

'A word lacking of WHAT definition'? What's the 'what' in there for? I mean, what would 'what' be used as?

Hah. Read that out loud. Sounds weird, huh? But anyway. THAT one was w a y over my head. And from then on, I would stumble on practically every line, since my thoughts were still on that starting line that got me all jumbled and mixed up.

Again, the approximation of Love
Tugs on the strings of my heart
Left behind as it becomes a myth
For the gullible and Cupid-shot
I can no longer glimpse either, but see all

10, 7, 9, 9, 11. Okay, once again with the 'let's lose Jen's mind game!' But before that, there was the 'tugs on the strings of my heart' thing. Ever listened to the song, 'Zing with the strings of my heart'? The phrase with the whole string of the heart thing is touching, but nevertheless getting old. I mean, the heart isn't a piano to be played by just anyone- unless you let it. Am I making sense? Probably not. Oh well. And then the whole 'gullible and Cupid-shot' was alright, but the line AFTER it? It seemed too wordy.

Adrift and consumed, to only find
Myself, only entranced with you
You, only the outline of a faceless soul
Until tomorrow’s unending tomorrow
Crossing Alpha’s Eternity, I wait.

Nice ending, however. I'm not even gonna bother to count the syllables. But you finished with a nice strong BANG. 'Until tomorrow's unending tomorrow'. . . I'm gonna use that line for a while, if you don't mind. However, in the first three lines, you used the word 'only' three times, once in each line. It's already getting worn down by the second line, and by the third time, it's only a four-letter word that my brain doesn't seem intelligent enough to pick up. Man, do I feel dumb.


You should write more like these- your themes are always so original, so un-written [is that a word?] about. You rock.

Toxicatingly yours,

Rose
| Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. Your poems are getting better and better. . . and better. . . and better. . . you get the point. This one had me entranced. . . But there were a few snags. First off, your vocabulary is great, but sometimes you go so overboard that you fly up and over the horizon. . . where no one can see you. Lol, that wasn't explaining it very well. What I means was that sometimes your words are so big and mixed that it's all jumbled up, and I have to reread the line to understand it. And there's snag number two- Some of the lines, even if I DID reread it a few times, the meaning still didn't hit me.

Enveloped in imagined embrace
Floating in timeless longing
I am with you and without you
Love’s name, as on wasted leaves I walk
Has been forsaken and cracked

9, 7, 8, 9, 7. I suggest that you change 'I am with you and without you' to 'I am withIN you YET without you'. It makes a big more of an impact. The metaphor about the leaves was B E A U T I F U L! But maybe you could turn 'floating' to 'streched' or 'falling'. I dunno, it might give more to the theme to the poem. Whichever way you look at it.

A word lacking of what definition
A diversion from the abstracted truth
Dancing with unattainable dreams
I have been awakened and to live
Dawn-to-dark, complete with only slumber

10, 10, 9, 9, 10. If I haven't mentioned it yet, I like the way you used the 5-line format thingy instead of standard 4 line, 1232 format. It gives it a new twist, and tends to be halting [but in a cool kind of way ]. But this is where you started to lose the thinking part of my mind, as it was struggling to grasp the meaning of your words. . . Here, let me show you.

'A word lacking of WHAT definition'? What's the 'what' in there for? I mean, what would 'what' be used as?

Hah. Read that out loud. Sounds weird, huh? But anyway. THAT one was w a y over my head. And from then on, I would stumble on practically every line, since my thoughts were still on that starting line that got me all jumbled and mixed up.

Again, the approximation of Love
Tugs on the strings of my heart
Left behind as it becomes a myth
For the gullible and Cupid-shot
I can no longer glimpse either, but see all

10, 7, 9, 9, 11. Okay, once again with the 'let's lose Jen's mind game!' But before that, there was the 'tugs on the strings of my heart' thing. Ever listened to the song, 'Zing with the strings of my heart'? The phrase with the whole string of the heart thing is touching, but nevertheless getting old. I mean, the heart isn't a piano to be played by just anyone- unless you let it. Am I making sense? Probably not. Oh well. And then the whole 'gullible and Cupid-shot' was alright, but the line AFTER it? It seemed too wordy.

Adrift and consumed, to only find
Myself, only entranced with you
You, only the outline of a faceless soul
Until tomorrow’s unending tomorrow
Crossing Alpha’s Eternity, I wait.

Nice ending, however. I'm not even gonna bother to count the syllables. But you finished with a nice strong BANG. 'Until tomorrow's unending tomorrow'. . . I'm gonna use that line for a while, if you don't mind. However, in the first three lines, you used the word 'only' three times, once in each line. It's already getting worn down by the second line, and by the third time, it's only a four-letter word that my brain doesn't seem intelligent enough to pick up. Man, do I feel dumb.


You should write more like these- your themes are always so original, so un-written [is that a word?] about. You rock.

Toxicatingly yours,

Rose
| Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]
  Damn, girl. If these are your thoughts, you need some help. Plus it don't rhyme. Lol. I'll work on my poems. You just gotta help me.
| Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by Sephiroth | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem had a sonic quality to it. What I mean by that is it also 'sounded' poetic, as part of the overall package - did that make sense? I have done the same thing myself in a few poems, so when I read it out in my head, I kinda 'listen' to the textures and how it sounds overall. Ok, now I'm rambling.

I loved the last line - it was a perfect ending, in my opinion. The five line stanzas also kept it nice and tight and focused.

So, it seems like you are in love with someone but they do not know of your feelings or they don't feel the same, so your love is wasted in a sense.
That's what I perceived when reading this, underneath the veneer the message seemed to be that. Am I right?

Anyways, good read. Cheers

| Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



65034