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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Metaphor Whore - Reviseddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beatthedrum
    ASL Info:    55- F - Southern CA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 881/810/122
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 2409
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 965



    Description:
       Revision:
    I moved verses three and four and made them one and two. If you read in the comments about verse two (cleavage), it is now verse four.

    Perhaps no poem is ever finished.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMetaphor Whore - Reviseddots
    -------------------------------------------


    A soul mate left her
    with no skills but these.
    She is desperate
    to discover
    a means to support
    and care for
    her own needs

    This passion
    is a perfected talent.
    She surrenders
    to selling
    her body of work
    if that's
    what it takes
    to survive.

    Without reservation
    or expectation
    but weighted with
    anticipation
    she descends to
    a bohemian basement
    brothel of sensual verse.
    Perhaps this is a place
    she could work.

    Pushing up cleavage
    to cover her heart
    she marches
    to the mistress
    and with delicate detail
    makes a proposition
    pronouncing proficiency
    at compositional
    copulation.

    Fulfilling
    fancy fantasies
    as a whore bejeweled
    in words,

    she thrives.




    Submitted on 2005-07-02 11:04:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting. Sex and poetry... which one is the metaphor for the other? I think you've entwined both here with remarkable skill... and with an apparent love of alliteration it seems.

    This had a lot of internal rhymes, I think that's what I mean lol. It sort of bounced along with no weird stops to mar its rhythm. Yea, I think that's what I mean.

    A unique and melodic piece
    Cheers,
    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-07-17 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      'compositional
    copulation.'...:D..this is certainly a different take on things, I like how your mind works...seeing something the way it should appear...oh well. Regardless of what we have to do to make the stitching in our flesh stay disjointed and full of beautiful flaws, it must be done to meet our specifications...or we are not being ourselves...no matter how ugly the marks look on paper or peeling off the backs of our starving skulls...we must carry on the same as we always have..yep..:)
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by Reckoner | [ Reply to This ]
      I did not read the original work, so I cannot compare. Seems a shame though.

    Anyhow, this poem was like a slap in the face with its originality. Usually people talk about the regular whores. You talked about a metaphore whore!

    Maybe not so metaphorical after all. Entwined meanings of both of them. Layered poem where we can see shallow part and deeper part and another deeper part.

    If I had the time I would read more (already read twice) actually I think I will go for nb 3 will take me a minute b4 i go on commenting.

    Hmmmm amazing...
    all these entwined images take u in a whirlwind of wonder...

    I cannot do anything but praise.
    This little poem is just good the way it is, perfect in its own way (not boring perfect though) - keep it up and thanks for the good read

    Peace
    Viviane
    | Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I come back to find this piece edited slightly - and somehow, I preferred the original version, to be honest...maybe I am conservative, maybe just stubborn - but the stanzas that now close the piece made such a strong impact in the beginning (for me), I feel it almost odd for them to be elsewhere...

    Having voiced my hesitations, I can now move on to the praise...and here, I am a bit stuck.

    Why? Because I dont want to talk about it, I want to sit here and read the piece, and marvel at your metaphor, and the metaphors within that metaphore, and it all being a mirror hall or meanings, and every subtle angle shift will give you a new perspective...

    Its like a Russian 'Matrioshka' nesting doll...open the top and there is another, even more delicate doll inside...and like a child, I want to take this doll, and go hide somewhere and examine it, and think about...and yes, I think I will stop now...

    Its fantastic, Chrystine...it feels so alive, and yet so mirage-like...passionate and yet almost asexual...

    (the more I read, the more I fall under it spell...Im on reading number 4 now, and its making me dizzy and giddy...)

    I love it, I really do.

    Katia
    | Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      Why that hussey poet gonna cover her heart and show off her
    cleavage? This is problem I can't encounter in this lifetime, my endowments are different.

    Very cool the way you've shown us an intimate view of parading around our sexuality. And how I see poems all over the site that are intangible to the real touch of love and all over being horny. I can honestly say I know the difference, and don't care about the innuendos. My touch only means something to the one I love, and I'm going to see her right now. You're a blessing,
    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Well done. I especially like the part about "A soul mate left her
    with no skills but these." That seems to counterpoint the rest of the piece.

    *just read it again*

    I tell ya', the first part of that second stanza is fu.cking marvellous! The whole cleavage covering the heart thing...evocative. Does it work? Sorta makes me wish i had breasts..hahaha..naw! They just wouldn't be as fascinating to me if i had a pair of my own :)

    The whole 'mistress' bit is gripping. My mind immediately thought of the 'muse as mistress'. I LOVE IT! So refreshing. And 'selling her body of work'...good stuff. Wish i could sell something. Hell thats less overtime i'd have to sign up for...and more time i'd have to pimp my work out. That's just me (and maybe i've had one too many lattes today :)

    Sorry i'm rambling, this poem just got me a little excitable. Reminds me of an old Jane's Addiction song (don't know why):

    "up through the catacombs
    i ran into the angel again
    he took the high road
    and i took the low road
    ...but we both wore dirty faces
    we both wore dirty faces
    we both wore dirty faces"

    What an enjoyable read, thanks for posting it.
    see you later, kc

    -now if i could just sell my soul...i tried, but e-bay has rules against it...go figure :O ;) :)
    | Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      this is great Chrys! i love the "bohemian basement" and everything else about this piece, it is so clever! this has got to be a new fave, i just love it!

    @ Cat
    | Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Whoa, I never would have even thought to make this comparison. Whoa. This was definately not what I expected, and it blew me away by like the third line. It's nice to see someone create something as close to an original idea that we have left. So many people write about the same stuff (yeah, I'm guilty of it too), but sometimes we just need something really super new. And I think that you have accomplished it. Awesome. Keep 'em comming!

    ~Jessica
    | Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      Wowow a great mesh of rhyme and alliteration... on top of a poem with a kind off imagery to allow a reader to get lost for a time... I enjoyed this poem very much... These lines in particular...

    "Pushing up cleavage
    to cover her heart"

    That's a quote i'll remember... a great metaphor for the shameless ness when dealing with anything that involves selling yourself for the pleasure of others... Hah and the title, twas perfect for the subject... You've done a great deed to this site with this poem... good job my friend, take care... and good luck with everything you may need luck in...

    Travis with one s not two
    | Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha | [ Reply to This ]
      WTF that was so much metaphor I couldn't tell what the [censored] was going on. Shit, what did actually happen? Anyways...that was messed up. Can't really comment on it except to make it more CLEAR! But then that would ruin the point of the poem, I guess. So long.
    | Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]
      This is awesome! Talk about metaphor! I can't believe that I'm viewer #8 and I get to comment first.

    This looks like it was fun to write. Almost like something that poured out of you onto the paper almost exactly the way it's been posted.

    You have done a great job working with meatphores in this. I found myself wanting to go off in all different directions throughout the whole piece, instead of focusing on the fact she's a poet....great job!

    I found it sensual, even though it had little to do with sex. It read really easily for me, almost with a sing song feel...

    Nice work,
    Thanks for sharing!
    -Chell-

    | Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very grabbing and engaging piece. It seems to speak for itself. This is one of those pieces that has a wonderful title that begins a beautiful piece.

    "Without reservation
    or expectation
    but weighted with
    anticipation
    she descends to
    a bohemian basement
    brothel of sensual verse.
    Perhaps this is a place
    she could work."

    This verse especially grabbed me because it had a sort of rhythm and rhym scheme I'm very fond of myself, sort of a slam-inspired 'systematically random' feel. I really got into this piece. It seemed like a very fresh look at something that has been done a few times before and I loved the way it seemed entirely original.

    All-in-all I have to say this was an amazing write.

    =Emma=
    | Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by Emma_closes | [ Reply to This ]


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    12. Does it feel original?



    65080

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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