Description: This seems a little sad to me when i reread it but it accutally isn't. its a happy poem.
(PS I know what "You make my day rain" means, it is an inside joke between me and my boyfriend I don't care to explain. <3)
You make my day rain -------------------------------------------
And the phone challenges me
As the sun burns me
The birds call to me
And I try to compose myself
Try to compose my words
Fleas are crawling though my house
Dancing around me, taunting me
I slip and fall
Little laughing in the walls
This house is never silent
What are we running toward?
Because I just keep falling
Slipping on the wet ground
Sometimes it is useless to get up again
But there are so many things
You cannot reach from the ground
You make my day rain
You make my day rain
The sun disappeared
I can’t seem to find it
Lost it in a pocket of a pair of pants
I never wear anymore
But no great loss
Now my skin can heal
Today is going to slow
The colors are fading to fast
And I’m running after the rainbows
Knowing I will never catch up to them
They are smarter then we know
You make my day rain
You make my day rain
You make my day rain
You make my day rain
th day is going too slow the colours fading too fast... those two lines almost contradict themselves somehow...
you make my day rain... that used to be my line... crazy... in my world it was a good thing coz i too love rain...
im not sure i see happy in here though... i see reaching for a goal and falling short somehow... i see confusion and frustration of things taking too long to happen (or happening too fast) i see love... this seems to be aimed at someone (perhaps your boy) "you make my day rain" sounds like it should be a bad thing and yet... you end with 'thats ok... i love the rain' and one realises that this is an expression of love... very cool (but still very weird you have my line! LOL)
I like the images of chasing rainbows and the feel of the piece. Very sweet.
This is my favorite verse The sun disappeared I can’t seem to find it Lost it in a pocket of a pair of pants I never wear anymore But no great loss Now my skin can heal
Suggestions: Do you need me in all three of the first lines? I think it reads more smoothly by using commas and leaving just the third one.
Well it portrayed alot of imagery of reaching out to grasp some goal and falling short, but if you say it's happy, I guess it is. I loved how active the writing was, it made it so un-boring I sort of tore through it. What I liked most was just that: The writing style used.
Submission Name: You make my day rain
