[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: starts here...(rhyme)dots

    Author: ibelikeso
    ASL Info:    27/M/FL
    Elite Ratio:    4.99 - 119/106/24
    Words: 236
    Class/Type: Rant/Religious
    Total Views: 1046
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1419

       something i wrote a while back but never got a chance to post. if you like rhymes maybe you'll enjoy, if not then at least you can understand that rhyming was my style in this piece. its my perspective of those who walk amongst the living dead.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsstarts here...(rhyme)dots

    This is a test of what i write....
    Its kind of tight,
    Something sparked a light.
    Gave me a little insight.
    This is for my Lord who's bled.
    The tears He shed.
    The fight He lead,
    To become our bread.
    And in this Holy book i read,
    It said,
    He'll come back to raise the dead.
    I know that you DONT know.
    Nor understand how i flow.
    The way i speak is soft and slow
    But im about to blow your mind away,
    So you may want to stay.
    Hear what im about to say.
    There is a man that died for you.
    His love was true.
    Yet u dont know who He is,
    In this way you diss
    His perfect life.
    Makes me want to strive,
    To be a better man.
    You dont understand
    There is a different kind of world.
    That sucks you up in a swirl,
    And takes your life away.
    Every night as i lay
    In my bed.
    And think about those who are dead,
    Not in a physical death.
    But not a professional med.
    Can take you back to being pure.
    I dont mean to call you a fool,
    All the things you drool-
    About, messed up by the dust.
    Taken away by the rust.
    Even stoled by a robber.
    So when it all disappears like dough,
    Your hear me say...... " I told you so".

    Submitted on 2005-07-03 08:19:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      First of all i'll tell you that i have no faith in god. I actually wrote a piece that would be the exact opposite to this. However, i never judge people on thier beliefs as each person has a right to choose thier own path and no other has and right to try a deter them from what they believe in.
    Thought i'd tell you that because even though i don't believe in the deity that you have described here, i can feel what you feel about about your beliefs while reading this. The rhyme was suberb it was a good constant read that i never had to pause and re-read. You created a perfect piece and you filled it with passion and really gave your point of view a detailed and descriptive commentry. I really can't fault you on this, you have done yourself proud. And as a non-believer for me to add this to my favourites means it must be a complete work of art.
    | Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by corruptedspirit | [ Reply to This ]
      ok... so now i remember telling you in one of my firstest comments im allergic to rhyme and i still am... LOL
    your message in here is brilliant... really...
    i admire your being able to write your faith through your works and present the gospel message while you do so.
    i guess it would take someone who has knowledge of the bible to pick up on your references to parables and teaching of jesus you have sprinkled tastefully throughout the write... very well done.

    ive just read a book called "the greatest miracle in the world" (its by Og Mandino if you ever see it anywhere read it!" and in it it talks of 'the living dead' and being resurrected from it... he was talking a whole lot about self esteem and all and at the end there was a memo from God... completely brilliant... anyways... there were parts of this write that reminded me of that book...

    and when i read the part about christ becoming our bread... today we had communion at church and as i took the bread i could feel it stick in my throat... interesting that i read this and could almost feel it still stuck there...

    awesome write.
    | Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Capitalizing your I's and writing 'u' properly as in 'you' would be nicer to read, that's just me being nitpicky though. And I think you meant 'stolen' not 'stoled'.

    Onto your poem, I did feel that the rhyme scheme, although that is how you said you wanted it, was just totally overdone. Singular syllable end rhymes pass this one off as reading awkwardly and redundantly.

    It's a nice poem regarding your view on Jesus, which is all good, but there were a few lines that I wasn't too impressed with -

    'I know that you DONT know.
    Nor understand how i flow.'

    'Yet u dont know who He is,
    In this way you diss'

    'I dont mean to call you a fool,
    All the things you drool-'

    'Your hear me say...... " I told you so".'

    - These lines came off as a bit, I'm not too sure what to say without coming off as arrogant myself, but kinda up-yourself and pompous and a think you know better attitude. I'm sorry, this is just how it came out to me, how I heard it coming from someone else's lips.

    I hope you don't hate this critique, these words were said in all honesty and was not a dig at your religion at all, so I hope you understand that.

    Ok. Peace
    | Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    True Death written by layDsayD
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Bond written by saartha
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Fasade written by jackz
    Push written by JanePlane
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Linger written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]