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lies and pain


Author: star_on_fire22
Elite Ratio:    2.89 - 58 /55 /19
Words: 141
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1219
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 814



Description:


this is what i was feeling on this day about a boy, i hope it isnt too bad for all of you.


lies and pain



why do you torment me like this?
you have her,
yet you say you want me.
you told me you love me yesterday
i told you i hated you
because i know your dumbass lies
you say you will leave her
but you never do
you almost make me believe you love me too.
but you dont,
you cant,
all you want is to fuck
you are heartless and
all you do is cause me pain
if only i could forget you,
would i be so sad?
so depressed?
would i take this blade to my wrist so often?
i wish you would fucking die
but at the same time
i just want you to love me back
all i ask for is your love
and devotion
but all you give me is
pain and lies

April 19, 2005©




Submitted on 2005-07-04 00:40:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I'm with you on every level. It's slightly creepy. The poem had wonderful flow. It seemed so simple to read. The farther into the poem i got the more my heart broke for you.Great job
| Posted on 2005-07-14 00:00:00 | by HECATE_Sservant | [ Reply to This ]
  Grrr I am so mad at this guy...He is hurting my Ashley like that...MY ASHLEY!...but anyways its a real good poem...its sad but its really good. I hate how he is causing you so much pain, but im glad that your writing about it...that might help you stop cutting a little...i hope anyways...you should put the writting on paper, rather then on your wrists :(
I hope you feel better
Love ya lots
Jessy
| Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Jan | [ Reply to This ]
  well being a cutter that's attempting to recover on my own (and it's haaaaard) i know the amount of anger and hurt you must be feeling to want to physically hurt yourself. and this is being slightly hypocritical, but i know cutting truly doesn't help numb any pain...i've tried many things to escape reality, but in the end it's all just toying with death's buttons and reality still floods back eventually...as for guys, i'm sorry you fell for an [censored] (i know how that is too unfortunately) but he doesn't sound like he's worthy of your time or poetry...best of luck on that

as for your piece-i got the feeling this was one of the raw type poems that just spill from your heart to your hand to your paper. there's nothing wrong with them, i usually prefer to write with a 'raw' hand, but i think they benefit by being softened up with some imagery. i just think imagery really gives the writer perspective and paints a picture that helps them relate to the subject better. metaphors also add depth to a piece. your emotions came out so strong and beautifully clear, that i think adding a bit of mystery would improve it even more, for example-

"why do you torment me like this?"

you could insert this line after, to explain just how he tortures you

'dangling candy in front of me, only to tell me it is meant for someone else'

that is of course a quick example...i don't know how he tortures you exactly, that is only one option. i just think it helps the reader relate to your position in the situation more.

nice draft, and i'm looking forward to commenting on more of your pieces!

best of luck

-Cherie
| Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by throughmyvoice | [ Reply to This ]
  Aww thats so sad. I could feel the anger and heartbreak in every word. You described every emotion perfectly. I know exactly what you mean. I found myself in a very similar situation a while back. At the time, it seemed impossible to get through, but believe me, it does get easier. Anyways, good luck with everything. I really like this one. Great job :-)

-nikkki
| Posted on 2005-07-07 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
  Sorry bout him. Not all guys are an ass but some are im afraid to admit. This is a good poem full of emotion and how you feel. Which in some cases make the best poems. Oh bout the cutting. Its a very bad habbit. I crack my knuckles or just yell. Both help somewhat.

Roguex
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by Roguex | [ Reply to This ]
  This sounds painful. :( Sorry about this boy that is playing you like that. I hope you really don't take a blade to your wrist though. :( That's sad. The world's not perfect that's for sure though! I say screw this guy that caused you this pain and lies to you and find another, better one. :) Good job. And good luck in the guy department.

-blt
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]


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