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Goodbye


Author: OrangeWithWhite
ASL Info:    27/m/Buf NY
Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 41 /48 /11
Words: 199
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1896
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1141



Description:


Just looking for some feeback. Good, Bad, Ugly.. how did it make you feel, what are you thinking, anything i can do to make this one better


Goodbye



I have missed you so much over the last six months
I am sorry I haven’t called upon you,
But I needed my space.
And I thank you for all the good times we had,
But I have changed; it’s nothing to do with you.
I have matured and moved onto better things,
I know you were always there for me,
which makes this you hardest thing on earth to give up,
But with all the joy you have brought me,
The pain, devastation, destruction, and chaos, come along too.
I won’t miss a thing!!!!!

I forgive but never forget is what some people say,
But what do I have to forgive you for?
You only did what I wanted you to do.
You have done nothing wrong.
It’s me who took you out of your element,
And used you for something other than what you were meant to be
For this I apologize a million times.
I know I will think of you every day for the rest of my life,
But I won’t let you have control over me anymore.
Thank you for everything,
But finally it’s your turn to walk out the door.




Submitted on 2005-07-04 08:55:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  this poem shares a real growth in like maturity. like maybe you did something that you regret but your willing to move on from it. to be it sounds like a poem that you wrote for an ex-girlfriend maybe? correct me if i'm wrong cause i'm just guessing. i like it though. it shows that you care but not to the point where you gunna get back together or anything. i think its perfect just the way it is.

nice job!
~nickie.
| Posted on 2006-09-26 00:00:00 | by LossOfHope03 | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked it and it is the way you write full of emotion some think that poetry has to rhyme
well you can rhyme all day and not get your point across or have any kind of emotion.
you have plenty of that keep writing just like you are till you feel cofortable to branch out.
but i think you are truly gifted.
| Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by suzanne | [ Reply to This ]
  As I read more of your poetry it is clear that this is your way of writing. Although most of us would call it "prose" I guess poetry is whatever you wish it to be and has no boundaries. So I respect that you write in this way and would say not to forget it entirely.
However I definitely think you need to branch out and explore different ways of writing. Maybe spend a while exploring the site and seeing how different people write their poetry in different ways. Don't even think about writing for a while - just read. Think about why each person does what they do and what effect it has on you and then think about how you could use similar techniques yourself in your poems.
At the moment it lacks passion. The piece just seems like words on a page. I'd love to be able to read this and feel those emotions of loss and then eventually letting go. Thats the only thing I can recommend - go read lots of poems. Hope this helps
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]
  I must dissent. This is not poetry. It is perhaps prose. It is too wordy, lacks either rhyme, rhythm, alliteration, or much imagery. To be a poem, it should have at least one of these. Though it does express what appear to be sincere thoughts and feelings, it is hardly rhapsodic. I think you should make a major project of reducing the word count. Take a sentence cited by another critic:
"I know I will think of you every day for the rest of my life / But I won’t let you have control over me anymore."
The first line simply means: "I won't ever forget you." - hardly a new thought. The second line could have been simplified: "I'm no longer your puppet," or, "You're no longer my puppeteer." I'm not suggesting incorporating these specific words, but only offering examples of how you could simplify and shorten the language. That would give it more impact. That, added to your obviously sincere feeling, could make this into a poem we all could identify with more closely.
Fred
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
  Looks like I get to be the prick today. Maybe it's the mood I'm in. Either way, sorry, but take it as constructive:

You language is too basic. Everything you state has been said and written down practically verbatem a hundred times. That doesn't mean you have nothing to work with. Write this exactly as you wrote it, but now go back and give it life! A watercolor artist draws a pitcure in pencil before adding the colors. You have the pencil drawing here. It's a good drawing, but could come to life with some color.

But what do I know.

Please take this as constructive. I promise I'm not a prick... well...
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by _n3pt | [ Reply to This ]
  ok now that last line hit more about your turn to walk out the door. it did puzzle me before because you have said your goodbyes and seemed like you left. making cutting sound like a love relationship is absolutely brilliant! im very impressed. mike :)
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  that was really good mate, uv nailed it down.

this is the stage you need to be at, you've got to the point where the emotion of the event is leveraged against your learning from that event.

the best poems are those that have emotion as the trigger for expressing yourself but intelligence which drives the saliency of your words.

good work, keep it up.
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by bugsy | [ Reply to This ]
  I think it has alot of great thoughts and feelings displayed. lets take em one by one. (word usage) I really like im sorry I haven't called UPON you. that was an old fashioned but awesome way of saying calling someone or calling you, I think it is classy. (connect) I read this I hope my love never has these words. you are saying your goodbyes but also saying this person is the hardest thing to give up. sounds like me and drugs switching person with a thing of course :) (slight conflict) the lines "I know I will think of you every day for the rest of my life, But I won’t let you have control over me anymore." it not a bad thing to conflict like that it just shows more complexities and its not a direct one anyway but the "control" is still in the mind in way. {{reading down again}} it is a depressing goodbye piece but also strong in resolve. it must take courage to move onward, to leave someone. but again I stress I hope to never hear this from my love :) :) mike :)
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really good.

I see so many breakup poems that distill down to "He sucks" or "Why can't you love me?" This is very refreshing. Here we have a much more realistic and mature look at why relationships fail.

"I forgive but never forget is what some people say,
But what do I have to forgive you for?
You only did what I wanted you to do.
You have done nothing wrong.
It’s me who took you out of your element,
And used you for something other that what you were meant to be"

To me this summed things up. We can't make people into what we want them to be. We can share with them, we can sometimes grow together, but we can never mold them into what we want them to be.

Or what we need them to be.

Great work,
Steve
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, that was amazing. I don't think there is anything you need to do to make this better, because this is sooooo good as it is. Ok, I lied. There is one small tiny thing you can fix...a typo .
"And used you for something other thaT what you were meant to be"
(I think the "T" should be an "N" =p)
But other than that, this is perfect. If anyone doesn't like it, well then, they should go suck a lemon
(good job!)
~Kriss
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by juss_kriss | [ Reply to This ]


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