Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: All Dressed Updots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MyX
    ASL Info:    27/m/Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 932/973/107
    Words: 620
    Class/Type: Prose/Sorry
    Total Views: 1486
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4234



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAll Dressed Updots
    -------------------------------------------


    All Dressed UpÖ

    Since I am still the star
    Of a movie that no one is really watching.
    They play me for background noise.
    Mood music.
    Something to fall asleep or fuck to.
    I am,
    Useful.
    So I borrow scrapped backgrounds
    from James Bond films
    and colorful backdrops from Ernest movies.

    I woke up masturbating in the opening credits.
    It was some kind of subconscious morning directive.
    Driven to squelch and relinquish the instinctual
    temptation to oogle and drool over every ass I see swaying
    on the stage of the earth.

    Plot

    I work today.
    Again.
    More of
    WHO THE HELL
    HOW THE HELL
    WHY THE HELL
    WHAT?!
    Slaves for trade.
    Magnificent features in the hysterical parade
    You picked up a copy of me and read the back.
    ďI need to escape this retail hell,
    and retreat to a developing country so I can starve myself to death.
    After all, happiness arrests no merit in terms of relativityís spectrum of lifeís
    Prude yet crude sexual positions.Ē

    Cast

    Those around me are lazy, hypocritical mockeries of one another.
    Communication holds far too much complexity.




    Youíre lying to me.
    Oh Iím lying to you?
    I donít know what Iím talking about?
    Well you donít know what youíre listening to!


    Headache. Shit taken, not stirred.
    So I drift off, waiting for a bowel movement or a phone call.


    The shopping malls reek of youth.
    Look at these bastards on wheel boards rolling around pointlessly.
    Children should be named after the drug picked out by their failed parents.


    Lenny Ritalin.
    Oliver Aderol
    Valerie Paxil
    Ecstasy Eddie.

    Conflict

    Oh, youíre still watching.
    In this next scene, I venture to the other side of the counter.
    Into the public.
    Into consumer opportunity.
    Yay.

    Sex Scene


    I suppose I could fancy myself on a crumpet run tonight.
    And go muff diving two brothels away from a local glory hole.
    Hell, its my movie, right?
    So what if my dick dies in its own piss water?

    Hope floats like a shoe to the groin.
    Self-certainty withers like conjured reveries beneath budget hotel sheets.
    But I donít think a sex scene would fit here.

    Climax

    Answers were Jack Kerouacís road kill.
    All dressed up and no place to find.
    Importance gives birth to triviality
    through crotch-less panties
    And you of all people..
    Youíre still with me.
    What do you think I should do for the end?


    Maybe Iíll rent a tuxedo for my own funeral.
    A perfect flick off fuck you finale.
    Will anyone listen to a closing narrative monologue?

    Resolve

    Social nodes,
    Add nausea.
    The protagonist exists pointlessly.
    Like a no vacancy sign that is jammed in my ass.
    And no one cares about
    My happiness
    My sadness
    My dreams
    My regrets
    My memories
    My lies
    My understanding
    Or my truth.
    As long as I pay my taxes.

    So I must forget my punchbowl parables
    And party hat parodies.
    I must sit here and wait for that charred thumbs up
    To emerge from the thick smoke screen.
    Right on time,
    Here comes the aftermath.
    It came to snap my whole grain noodle spine in half.

    Enjoy your popcorn

    What lies inside
    Of these answers weíre trying to find?
    Why does suffering feel so necessary?
    What kinds of cracks must we crawl through
    To love this world for the hell it is?
    Weíre all dressed up,
    and it never really matters where or whether
    we stay or we go.

    Did that not do it for you?


    MBE 05-20-05





    Submitted on 2005-07-05 15:13:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      After listening to a bunch of movie students trying to figure out the specifics of a half-assed short film idea reading your rant-like poem here was a nice change. I was trying to get them to add in scenes like 'bullet-time cumshots' for the sex scene and gangs of gnomes stealing lighters for their pipes and causing general havoc when they don't get their porridge .. I Don't know why they don't listen to me. [censored]ers.

    I'm really loving the satiated sarcasm of your work, not afraid to spit at any shiny object when the situation is right .. or wrong . .which could make it right.

    I really don't like your first two lines. Not only is this an analogy that I have heard countless teens say in their deepest state of demented angst. Don't you worry .. people are watching .. out of the corner of their eyes, but they might never admit to it . .they might be watching but that doesnt mean that anything is going on behind the glaced eyes , they might see but they often do not cogate and perceive .. if you get my drift here. I actually think that you could simply cut out these first lines and jump straight into your third line. The 'since' doesnt really refer to anything the way you have written it here .. does it go on from the title .. which seems awkward .. or do you mean 'since you are the star they play you for background noise .. in which case you need a comma at the end of the second line not a full stop :
    Since I am still the star
    of a movie that no one is really watching,
    they play me for background noise.

    although I really think that it would look better if you just cut out the two first lines.

    I really don't want to say too much about your form and structure of writing, I think you pull of the rantishen style really well, the only lines I really stumbled on were these ones in s3 :

    After all, happiness arrests no merit in terms of relativityís spectrum of lifeís
    Prude yet crude sexual positions.Ē
    .. I think the end words and your weighting .. how I Read it seems off and strange .. if you cut this up a bit more it would carry your voice better i think .. like :
    After all, happiness arrests no merit
    in terms of relativityís spectrum
    of lifeís Prude yet crude sexual positions.Ē

    on the climax bit .. You had to name drop Jack Kerouak didn't you ? .. Sorry but I have a massive disposition against name dropping Kerouac in poems. Not only just because almost every poet seems to have some compulsion to mention his name a good couple of times .. as if borrowing his name gives some sort of merit .. some sort of associating yourself with the 'cool of the beat poets' ..But also because Kerouac did not write poetry. If you're gonna mention some of the original beat poets .. or the notorious trio, at least mention Ginsberg or Burroughs , or Dylan Thomas. I sort of see what you are doing though .. using the 'on the road again' image here. .. I think you could just do this more directly and let people who realise who the reference is to ..realise and those that dont .. well [censored] em .. .. My suggestion would be to do something like turning :
    Answers were Jack Kerouacís road kill.
    All dressed up and no place to find.

    into

    Answers were on the road again, road kill.
    All dressed up and no place to find.

    I don't see the need for a name drop or a spoon feed here .. let the dim-lings go find their own spoons.


    ..on a positive note .. I really like how you are speaking directly to the reader, edging the reader on to read and pay attention by throwing out little 'still there eh ' type comments. I kinda did do it for me .. good shi ite

    cheers,

    Christian
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really good...ironic how you not only taunt the reader with things like "oh you're still here" but you make fun of yourself for writing on and on. this is great how you described life as a movie when some try their whole lives to find complexe answers you just sum it up using a simple enough comparison. I've read similar quotes and attempts at poetry where the topic is similar and it really didn't do much for me. Being cynical really works for you:) there are so many different messages here..."as long as I pay my taxes" is a great sum up...people don't want to know how you are on anything as long as they have their money. anarchy dude...yes that would rock. this seemed to show how people often waste their time doing something for the sake of doing something...sortof just to say "o yes I did this this and this today" even when they inevitably accomplished nothing. You show alot of shame for what you are sometimes forced to take part in just as being a human...the [censored] that's expected of you and the thoughts you are "supposed" to think. Like you wish to set yourself apart from the rest...and yet you allow them to view this aspiration...possibly in a vauge hope that they will want to change to? I get the feeling that if you were stupid this would be a yelling, rant/scream for help but you realize this is usually a waste of time when no one can help. In any case nice write.
    ~Jess~
    | Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. The $hitty play-by-play of life on one screen.

    Never thought I'd live to see it done.

    Reading this piece, I kind of think of life as a shopping mall. We walk around and go to our favorite places and waste time with people who, like us, would rather be in bad company than alone. And what does it all mean? What does it matter if we buy the scarf for $6.99 or the boot-cut pants for $20? We all end up leaving th mall and no one even knew we went there in the first place.

    I think what I find most appealing is the setup of this piece. Unformal, but broken up into sections, so there are moments to digest and decide whether or not judging you makes a difference.

    I feel your frustration with people and their whimsical moods and drama. The little customs and habits that make us human waste time and make very little sense and yet we do them anyway. Even you are not exempt. Routine makes us feel like we belong somewhere, that we are someone, and the mentality is, "Sure I'll waste my life if it makes me seem special."

    Yes, you deny these concepts of human behavior and yet you are dissatisfied with your alternative. Sit, watch, scorn, judge. All perfectly acceptable courses of action, and yet it's not enough, is it? Part of being human is stringing random $hit together and calling it a pattern, calling it MEANING.

    It we trip on a step, it has MEANING, if we take a leak, it has MEANING. Our hopeless little brains stew stuff together and hope it all tastes good to posterity, because we never have to eat our own excrement.

    True. If there is any praise in what I'm saying, it is that this is as honest as one could hope for.

    Life is only as exciting and meaningful as it implies, which is a lot less for you than for them, perhaps. And yet you walk among them, hating their ways and hating that you're a part of it. If everyone's life is a movie, you let yours play at the dollar-cinema where you can be seen but misunderstood and devalued by your critics, knowing all the while of course that those box office hits are the just as dull and pointless.

    This type of judgment should be freedom, freedom to deny the world's ways. And yet it doesn't feel so free, does it? You hold on to your disgust and frustration because it's all you have to face the world with and you are tied to them as long as you cling to them.

    Anger is so easy, distrust is second nature, and criticism is free. The perfect setup for some happy moments of disgust with humanity. And yet it's bitter. You don't feel any better for the words or thoughts, and you think it doesn't matter if you do.

    But I swear to you, it does. Be pissed, be angry, hate the damn world, and it's okay with me. I do it all the time.

    But if on the sliver of a chance that life ever changed, you would miss it completely.
    | Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by WolfStar | [ Reply to This ]
      hi there mate.
    thanks for the words of care, i was a few miles away, enough to not be dead. but i could have been there, but then we could have all been somewhere.

    and so to your piece.
    it is hard to know where to start. this piece definitely has your voice that we have become accustomed to: the sh-it stained wideangle lens that has been dragged through the city streets in every dodgy bar and street corner; like a documentary made on those that have had to struggle their whole life.

    i think the way you have presented your piece as the making of some kind of porn movie; vacuous and formulated and done and off with the next whore is an excellent concept and executed very well. your usual sh-it stained disdain is clear for us all to see and you have a good balance of explicit imagery and important things to say to make it work.

    i do have some suggestions that you could look at. this is a long and complicated piece and i understand that direction and organisation must have been very difficult.

    i think your ending does not do justice to your piece and the movement and building it has created. there is far too much rhetoric in it and you throw too many questions at the reader having already given them enough to do in reading how your piece works. i think you could have created an event or circumstance at the end of your piece to answer all those questions, and once you have taken us to where you do in your piece i feel that you should be attempting to answer those questions, or at least letting us think about them by placing them in your piece on a subliminal level and at intervals where we can look at each one in depth as we read.

    i can not quite see how the abrupt sentence structure works in the first stanza. you break up the very first sentence and stop it where you should be continuing it and that is off putting. if i could see why you have done it, and perhaps i am missing something, then ok. but to me the concept for doing this would be like bashing someones head
    one
    after
    another
    you
    will
    not
    do
    that
    to
    me
    again.
    but this is the introduction to a long and challenging piece of writing and you should, in my irrelevant opinion, be working us up from a base point.

    your capitalisation seems to be a bit random and i would say that perhaps you could tighten it up. the following could be looked at:
    'Since I am still the star
    Of a movie that no one is really watching.

    'Magnificent features in the hysterical parade
    You picked up a copy of me and read the back.

    Lenny Ritalin.
    Oliver Aderol
    Valerie Paxil
    Ecstasy Eddie.

    I suppose I could fancy myself on a crumpet run tonight.
    And go muff diving two brothels away from a local glory hole.

    Self-certainty withers like conjured reveries beneath budget hotel sheets.
    But I donít think a sex scene would fit here.

    Self-certainty withers like conjured reveries beneath budget hotel sheets.
    But I donít think a sex scene would fit here.

    The protagonist exists pointlessly.
    Like a no vacancy sign that is jammed in my ass.

    Or my truth.
    As long as I pay my taxes.

    So I must forget my punchbowl parables
    And party hat parodies.

    To emerge from the thick smoke screen.
    Right on time,
    Here comes the aftermath.

    for me there is inconsistency in the way you sometimes stop sentences half way and sometimes do not. you start too many sentences with and, and although it is a useful device i dont think conceptually it should be used too many times here. some sentences start with a capital letter and some lower case but it is not clear why. for me the way this would really work is if you chose how you want to write the piece and kept it consistent the whole way through so that we do not notice it, but instead focus on what is more important here.

    i think you could work on your structure and punctuation. yes i realise you could be doing this until 2016, and knowing when and where to stop would be important for your sanity, but i think that this could be made clearer for some. when you tackle something on this scale you dont want to be even potentially ambiguous. i think that the layout and movement of your piece should be crystal so that we can just sit back and concentrate on the magnitude of words that you throw at us.
    you could do something like this, but again it is just one opinion:

    'I am still the star
    of a movie that no one is really watching.
    They play me for background noise-
    Mood music.
    Something to fall asleep or [censored] to.
    I am,
    Useful.
    So I borrow scrapped backgrounds
    from James Bond films
    and colorful backdrops from Ernest movies.

    I woke up masturbating in the opening credits.
    It was some kind of subconscious morning directive,
    driven to squelch and relinquish the instinctual
    temptation to oogle and drool over every ass I see swaying
    on the stage of the earth.

    Plot:

    I work today.
    Again.
    More of
    WHO THE HELL
    HOW THE HELL
    WHY THE HELL
    WHAT?
    Slaves for trade,
    magnificent features in the hysterical parade.
    You picked up a copy of me and read the back;
    ďI need to escape this retail hell,
    and retreat to a developing country so I can starve myself to death.
    After all, happiness arrests no merit in terms of relativityís spectrum of lifeís
    prude yet crude sexual positions.Ē

    Cast:

    Those around me are lazy and hypocritical mockeries of one another.
    Communication holds far too much complexity.


    Youíre lying to me.
    Oh Iím lying to you?
    I donít know what Iím talking about?
    Well you donít know what youíre listening to.


    Headache.
    Shit taken, not stirred.
    So I drift off, waiting for a bowel movement or a phone call.


    The shopping malls reek of youth.
    Look at these [censored]s on wheel boards rolling around pointlessly.
    Children should be named after the drug picked out by their failed parents


    Lenny Ritalin
    Oliver Aderol
    Valerie Paxil
    Ecstasy Eddie

    Conflict:

    Oh, youíre still watching.
    In this next scene, I venture to the other side of the counter.
    Into the public.
    Into consumer opportunity.
    Yay.

    Sex Scene:

    I suppose I could fancy myself on a crumpet run tonight
    and go muff diving two brothels away from a local glory hole.
    Hell its my movie, right?
    So what if my dick dies in its own piss water?

    Hope floats like a shoe to the groin.
    Self-certainty withers like conjured reveries beneath budget hotel sheets
    but I donít think a sex scene would fit here.

    Climax:

    Answers were Jack Kerouacís road kill,
    all dressed up and no place to find.
    Importance gives birth to triviality
    through crotch-less panties
    And you of all people..
    Youíre still with me.
    What do you think I should do for the end?
    maybe Iíll rent a tuxedo for my own funeral.
    A perfect flick off [censored] you finale.
    Will anyone listen to a closing narrative monologue?

    Resolve:

    Social nodes;
    Add nausea.
    The protagonist exists pointlessly
    like a no vacancy sign that is jammed in my ass.
    And no one cares about
    My happiness
    My sadness
    My dreams
    My regrets
    My memories
    My lies
    My understanding
    Or my truth.
    As long as I pay my taxes.

    So I must forget my punchbowl parables
    And party hat parodies.
    I must sit here and wait for that charred thumbs up
    to emerge from the thick smoke screen.
    Right on time,
    Here comes the aftermath.
    It came to snap my whole grain noodle spine in half.

    Enjoy your popcorn

    What lies inside
    of these answers weíre trying to find?
    Why does suffering feel so necessary?
    What kinds of cracks must we crawl through
    to love this world for the hell it is?
    Weíre all dressed up,
    and it never really matters where or whether
    we stay or we go.

    Did that not do it for you?'


    you could keep your line breaks consistent and use double spacing where you want to differentiate from the single spaces. i have not highlighted the changes because they are all quite subtle.

    all in all this is a feast of imagery and perception all in keeping with your tone which i still find refreshing here, and i guess that is indicative of the potential monotony one can experience in a place like this because i have been reading your work for years now.

    take care, and take what you wish of this

    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      You know this one didn't do a thing for me until about half way through. The movie thing seemed so shallow... and then I realized that your parodying yourself and the rest of us by writing poorly on purpose.

    I love how you've spelled out all of the things we're supposed to see and feel. "Conflict", "Sex Scene", "Resolve". It fits the metaphor of a movie, but it fits the outlines of a begining poet even better.

    Reading it a second time, you pretty much tell us you're faking, but I missed it the first time:

    "I donít know what Iím talking about?
    Well you donít know what youíre listening to!"

    The repeated "Oh you're still here", "You're still with me" taunts the reader, like "Why are you still reading this drivel?" LOL. This almost feels like an old Beetles tune.


    I liked it a lot. Satire is hard to write and you've done a great job here.
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      That was quite possibly the most jealousy inducing thing ever read. You talented [censored].
    Do hope you continue to use it...
    | Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by writhe | [ Reply to This ]
      I could read this over and over. I love your cynical, slightly (or more than slightly) sarcastic tone. I love the whole thing all the way through, which is amazing because I usually find fault with something! very good writing. but you know that already, don't you?
    | Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Great write. I don't know what else to say about it, that's just how i feel, but this site makes me cheapen my opinion with more words so let me just say i felt it was creative and original, better than most of the stuff i've read recently...definately a favorite, keep up the great work
    | Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by morte | [ Reply to This ]
      It's the fact that most lives are wasted by following a daily routine, just being guided by the example set yesterday, that this was so real. Have you ever done theatre? You write as if you know too much about it or have alot of experience writing scripts; the dialogue, stage directions, plot, character profiles, etc. I can relate to that bit, since I've written plays for my school and acted in a few. I can also say that I have a slight connection with the whole base of the poem, which to me appeared as taking [censored] from everyday life, just using ourselves to keep going through. Like desperate for hope, we continue to work ourselves to get something. Who knows anymore, right? What I also like about it was the very personal expression. You weren't afraid to show the readers and that's awesome. It was abstract in a few ways, and clear at others. It was the perfect balance. I honestly am impressed. I haven't read enough good poems and this just struck me in the face. I'm putting this to my favs. You're also the first to go on my faves.
    | Posted on 2005-08-08 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey! Another great write! I found this quite humorous and very interesting! I love your technique and the way you come across! I read this twice and couldn't find anything about it to pick on. It just made me smile, a couple of laughs and it held my attention the whole read! I like the repeated "Oh, you're still here" comments...that is great! This is highly intellectual which is sexy! I liked the ending with the "Did that not do it for you?" I enjoyed reading this one very much! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    65428

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    FamiliarDemons ¬©‚ĄĘ written by kyserin
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The World written by jjd
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry