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In a way, the routines were comforting; the grating whine of the metro, the high-pitched screech of tires against the asphalt, the intermittent rushes of gasoline-tinted oxygen, and the ever-present weight in his stomach seemed to make the going get easier. In a way, the fact that his mind was free to ponder in his workplace was a nice thing--free access to most gamespot.com, various writing communities, (and, of course, livejournal), all wonderful ways to keep his mind off of his situation. In a way, living just beyond his parent's fingertips, so that they'd have to actually take action to make contact, empowered him, made him feel like he was finally free.
In every other way, it made him miserable.
The complicated tangle of twists and twines that led to his situation felt like nothing, on their own. Various innocent strands of questions, dreams, misguided responses, and loving parenting, crossing paths at all the wrong spots, in just the right way. He never saw it coming, not when the plot thickened, when the frail tendrils spun themselves into steel wiring, stole their way around his shoulders. He never noticed, when the knots rejoined in larger knots, bigger, stronger, so far from the easily-snapped threads they originated as. No, he never saw it coming, not even when the ring began to tighten--
not even when he found himself dangling three feet from the floor, clasping at his neck for air.
...It's funny how a noose comes together, isn't it?
| The word choice was there, but the irony wasn't very cleverly implimented. At least not to the standard that you've set for yourself in other writings.|
If I had this kid's life, I'd probably turn to drugs rather than suicide. Afterall, thats often how it happens. Its what these kids are trying to escape with first...and once they get through it all, either they learned that life is sweet, or wish they killed themselves in the first place...or had never been born.
So was this thing real by chance?
The ending pun was superb, gave it all a sick satrical feel of which you know I'm a fan.
This was a good read, but it isn't your best by any means.
|| Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ] || EL, this was incredibly well-written. I couldn't really tell, though, if your character was BEING hanged or was hanging HIMSELF. Aside from that, I am in awe of your skill. |
I know you would like a nice long comment, expounding at length on both the things I especially liked and those that I think need improvement, but...
well, tell me if he hanged himself and that's about it.
Beautifully done, my friend. Truly. mae
|| Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ] || One of my favorite lines: He never saw it coming, not when the plot thickened, when the frail tendrils spun themselves into steel wiring, stole their way around his shoulders. |
I like this because I can see it. You used tangible objects and clear sounds in the first paragraph, which I absolutely love. The ending was rather harsh, but it fit perfectly. Very nicely done, keep it up.
|| Posted on 2005-07-09 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ] || Well, I find myself at a loss for words. I don't know, maybe I personally connected with this, but I just find it amazingly rich, and beautiful. The ending is just perfect..|
I have to applaud you on the way you approached this, and the imagery is fantastic.
I'm glad to have read something so profound, and this is a definite fave.
crossing paths at all the wrong spots, in just the right way. He never saw it coming, not when the plot thickened, when the frail tendrils spun themselves into steel wiring..
jesus christ. I can't get over this. I'm afraid I can't get anything productive out. You are very talented. wow.
looking forward to reading more of your stuff
|| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ] || Let me just start of by saying… nothing is truly free as long as that thing has Life. It is funny how a noose comes together. Often times… it is elusive enough for you not to notice the lines slowly intertwining… while mostly, you see them but simply consider them as matters of no actual importance. Even the most mundane of things can cut off air.|
A while ago, I was reading a piece (I forgot which one but I’m sure he’s part of this batch) about living your life… not worrying about tomorrow but simply focusing on what you have right now. Sometimes, we get too tied with our responsibilities that we forget why we have them.
I like its simplicity. I think the best way to describe it is… relatively smooth.
|| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ] |