Empire by Exodus Night Sky

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Submission Name: Empire dots

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Author:	Exodus Night Sky
Elite Ratio:	4.85 - 506/234/44
Words:	76

Class/Type:	Prose/Serious
Total Views:	347
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	461

Description:

Empire

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Rusty nails dance on my ceiling
The flame of my will’s candle brings day
The sighs of apathy’s frustration bring night.
The wooden floor cries , my walls ran dead.
This is my fallen empire, I live among ruins.
Wisdom can’t be enjoyed.
Came to know each moment and each thing
are more precious because they have an end
Sometime too late.
After hope there’s nothing left to lose.

Submitted on 2005-07-06 00:46:18 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  the decay of an empire... self made or otherwise... never a pretty sight.

i think theres a coupla things in this write that need changing though... you kinda seem to jump between tenses a lil... most of it is in present tense but then "my walls ran dead"... im thinking it should be run... fits in with the rest of the thread of the write...

Came to know each moment and each thing
are more precious because they have an end
Sometime too late.

i also feel that this part needs to be revised... i dont think this is as clear as it could be
are you trying to say that you have realised the value of things coz they all come to an end but that you realised that too late? i think that would be my most logical conclusion from those words but it would be awesome if you could clear that up coz this really is the makings of a really good write...

After hope there’s nothing left to lose.

you say earlier in your write that wisdom cannot be enjoyed and while i dont spose this line is one that can be enjoyed it is very wise and very full...
it is true... if aint got hope you aint got nothing and hopefully there is always a glimmer of hope somewhere... you just gotta be looking hard enough to find it is all...

even once a mighty empire has been sacked there is still potential to rebuild and while it may not be as glorious as the old empire it still has the same name and knows many of the old empires secrets perhaps making it more stronger than the first...
| Posted on 2005-08-31 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Very grim. However, your descriptive language and imagery are excellent. It just flowed like an artists brush painting a picture of the pain and suffering of depressiona and loss. I've read many places that there is great power in loss and rejection. They're probably right. There is one thing left to lose = your laughter and hope. Thats always the last thing to go, but there is power in that too.
Good prose I hope to read many more .
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by Arrowcat | [ Reply to This ]
  i really liked this alot... it was very well written as well as... well... it gave me pictures in my mind... and i am tired and not quite all there right now... so i did enjoy it... my favorite part "Wisdom can’t be enjoyed.
Came to know each moment and each thing
are more precious because they have an end
Sometime too late.
After hope there’s nothing left to lose. "
because it is exactly how i feel and i enjoy it as well... enjoy
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by Esophagus1 | [ Reply to This ]
  this is a very good poem... introspective and two the point... the only thing i think there is to bast is you use THE to start off a line too many times in a row... mix it up and bit re word things

and it will be a great poem

on the flipside

-DS
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by playing card | [ Reply to This ]

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