Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

house of deceit


Author: shes automatic
ASL Info:    17/f/ky
Elite Ratio:    2.99 - 47 /62 /13
Words: 134
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1403
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 897



Description:


Ok so I changed the name of this poem 2 times. I think I'm finally satisfied with the title. I wanted something to coincide with all the house-hold references in the poem; and the lying or 'deceit' (probably totally spelled that wrong) that I was going for.
I hope it fits better.
Comments are nice. <3<3


house of deceit



if we stand here long enough the black sky will engulf us both
quick
run
inside to the comfort of knowing no one can see us
he can't see, so you don't mind
where your hands go
i can't stand too close to you; you're a fireplace
that burns my eyes if i try to warm up
i turn away but your skeleton key fingers go to every lock in my head
figure me out
god knows i'll fall for it
kiss the scars on my wrist like you care

i lower my eyes down
as you lower the blinds
shut the light out of my life
because you want no one to see
the bloody mascarade that is
you and me.





Submitted on 2005-07-06 00:51:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  hmmmmm that's really dark kinda like some of my poems kinda scary I have an idea what it's aabout I eally liked it very well written nice flow and everything
| Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by in_my_suffering | [ Reply to This ]
  i love the image of the skeleton key fingers going for "every lock in my head." someone who can decieve so easily, sets you up and then just slaysyou... your trust is shattered in that bloody masquerade... the way you spelled it, "mascarade" made me think of a pun on the word mascara.. bloody mascara from the pain of crying perhaps. it just hit me that way.

you've got great images here, like the fireplace, the blinds, the scars, but you manage to avoid any cliché whatsoever. brava!
@ Cat
| Posted on 2005-07-16 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this piece. It is very descriptive and imaginative. The ending is great and delivered with a quality of eloquence. You did a god job.
LeAnna
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by RedRoseofBlood | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. This was a really well written poem. The wording was amazing. phrases like 'skeleton key fingers', 'kiss the scars on my wrist like you care', and 'bloody mascarade that is
you and me' really give the poem depth, and make it an enjoyable read. I have to agree with the others though, the title is a little off, but other than that, I loved it!
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by elitegundam | [ Reply to This ]
  wow...this is very intriguing...captivating-i like it. a very dark piece

i can't stand too close to you; you're a fireplace.
that burns my eyes if i try to warm up
i turn away but your skeleton key fingers go to every lock in my head
figure me out
god knows i'll fall for it
kiss the scars on my wrist like you care

your want to escape something that knows you too well, but you can"t. he has the key to every lock that hides your secrets-this is a very good way of putting it.
my favorite part is:

i lower my eyes down
as you lower the blinds
shut the light out of my life
because you want no one to see
the bloody mascarade that is
you and me.

thats what makes the poem so dark...the word mascarade...although i'm not sure if its mascarade (which i dont think i know the meaning) or if its massacre as in slaughter.
anyways i can't help but like the image it gives, its a deep, dark, and short poem. but the title seems a bit off-don't get me wrong its an excellent piece i just have a little problem with the title. good job and keep writing
tracey
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by fiery_eyes | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh wow! Something like this needs a title girl! The opening is wonderful. It always feels that if we stand in a moment long enough it will never fade away. I like the drop off for "quick run" because it means that you don't want this to be seen. Which is caught up in the next few lines. Sort of like "What he doesn't know won't hurt him" thing. Really intriquing how you wrote it. I like the description of "skeleton key fingers". Really puts a visual in my mind. "the bloody mascarade that is you and me." That's really cool, how you worded that. <-That sounded stupid. LOL But you get my drift. .. at least I hope! hehe Great piece. :) I hope you find a title for it. It's awesome. <3

-blt
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
  omg, this poem, omg. i have never related to any other poem as much as this one, its perfect, brillant choice of words, i fell in love with the kiss the scars on my wrist line and teh bloody masquareade that is you and me line, i know how you feel to a certain extent, love it!, im adding it to my fav. as i speak
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by whatever14 | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



65495