Description: Ok so I changed the name of this poem 2 times. I think I'm finally satisfied with the title. I wanted something to coincide with all the house-hold references in the poem; and the lying or 'deceit' (probably totally spelled that wrong) that I was going for.
I hope it fits better.
Comments are nice. <3<3
house of deceit -------------------------------------------
if we stand here long enough the black sky will engulf us both
quick
run inside to the comfort of knowing no one can see us
he can't see, so you don't mind
where your hands go
i can't stand too close to you; you're a fireplace
that burns my eyes if i try to warm up
i turn away but your skeleton key fingers go to every lock in my head
figure me out
god knows i'll fall for it
kiss the scars on my wrist like you care
i lower my eyes down
as you lower the blinds
shut the light out of my life
because you want no one to see
the bloody mascarade that is
you and me.
hmmmmm that's really dark kinda like some of my poems kinda scary I have an idea what it's aabout I eally liked it very well written nice flow and everything
i love the image of the skeleton key fingers going for "every lock in my head." someone who can decieve so easily, sets you up and then just slaysyou... your trust is shattered in that bloody masquerade... the way you spelled it, "mascarade" made me think of a pun on the word mascara.. bloody mascara from the pain of crying perhaps. it just hit me that way.
you've got great images here, like the fireplace, the blinds, the scars, but you manage to avoid any cliché whatsoever. brava! @ Cat
I really like this piece. It is very descriptive and imaginative. The ending is great and delivered with a quality of eloquence. You did a god job. LeAnna
Wow. This was a really well written poem. The wording was amazing. phrases like 'skeleton key fingers', 'kiss the scars on my wrist like you care', and 'bloody mascarade that is you and me' really give the poem depth, and make it an enjoyable read. I have to agree with the others though, the title is a little off, but other than that, I loved it!
wow...this is very intriguing...captivating-i like it. a very dark piece
i can't stand too close to you; you're a fireplace. that burns my eyes if i try to warm up i turn away but your skeleton key fingers go to every lock in my head figure me out god knows i'll fall for it kiss the scars on my wrist like you care
your want to escape something that knows you too well, but you can"t. he has the key to every lock that hides your secrets-this is a very good way of putting it. my favorite part is:
i lower my eyes down as you lower the blinds shut the light out of my life because you want no one to see the bloody mascarade that is you and me.
thats what makes the poem so dark...the word mascarade...although i'm not sure if its mascarade (which i dont think i know the meaning) or if its massacre as in slaughter. anyways i can't help but like the image it gives, its a deep, dark, and short poem. but the title seems a bit off-don't get me wrong its an excellent piece i just have a little problem with the title. good job and keep writing tracey
Oh wow! Something like this needs a title girl! The opening is wonderful. It always feels that if we stand in a moment long enough it will never fade away. I like the drop off for "quick run" because it means that you don't want this to be seen. Which is caught up in the next few lines. Sort of like "What he doesn't know won't hurt him" thing. Really intriquing how you wrote it. I like the description of "skeleton key fingers". Really puts a visual in my mind. "the bloody mascarade that is you and me." That's really cool, how you worded that. <-That sounded stupid. LOL But you get my drift. .. at least I hope! hehe Great piece. :) I hope you find a title for it. It's awesome. <3
omg, this poem, omg. i have never related to any other poem as much as this one, its perfect, brillant choice of words, i fell in love with the kiss the scars on my wrist line and teh bloody masquareade that is you and me line, i know how you feel to a certain extent, love it!, im adding it to my fav. as i speak
Submission Name: house of deceit
